What has your abusive parent said now that you are an adult?
My Dad is bipolar. He hit me a lot, pulled my hair, and banged me into things. Despite this I turned into a normal adult. Now that I am almost 27 I ask him about that time. Why he didn't stop. What he thought would happen when I grew up. I tell him I love him, but he was a terrible father.
His responses range from accepting what he did to denying all of it. Sometimes he says he only hit me once or that I'm exaggerating. I post about what happened on Facebook and across the internet, and that is usually when he is upset. If he was truly sorry I don't think he would mind though. As I have pointed out to him, I have to live with the memories not him.
Other times he admits what he did, but when he claims to be sorry it isn't very genuine. He says he is sorry because he didn't know I would hold it over his head. He tries to blame his life. Saying having sick parents made him do it. He tries to say I deserved it, but then I remind him I was a child.
He tries to build himself up, saying he is great because he stuck around, but he didn't even financially support us. He points out my Mom forced him to have kids, which to be fair I have told her this wasn't a very good decision.
Does your abusive parent comment on the ordeal now that you're an adult?
Foofa2020-02-02T01:04:05Z
When someone is diagnosed with a severe mental illness the whole family is supposed to receive the counseling involved to know what to expect. You keep asking questions about him as if he's not profoundly mentally ill. Mentally ill people often do all kinds of bizarre things. Stop expecting someone that sick be adhere to standard decorum and you won't be so confused. Of course he behaves like he's mentally ill. Because he IS.
I do my healing on my own, while it'd be nice and I think it's every abused child's dream to have their abusers admit to what happened and beg for forgiveness, it doesn't have to happen for me to live my life. I change myself because that's the only person I can change, I have very clear boundaries about the way I expect to be treated and the way I expect my child to be treated and I don't waiver from those boundaries. Family dynamics are hard and abuse is so often something that gets passed down through generations, I'm more concerned with making sure it stops with me instead of trying to get other people to take responsibility.
First off, I'm incredibly sorry you had to go through all that BS as a child, nobody should have to endure bullying behaviour or violence! I commend you on speaking out about it, although, I kinda have to disagree about using the internet about it (we'll get into that in a bit).
Secondly, your Dad having bipolar, while its a genuine mental illness and can cause violent outbursts, its NOT an excuse to be violent towards others! Your Dad knew he was ill, but instead of taking ownership for it, he chose to ignore it, and now uses his illness as a crutch to help justify his poor behaviour in life.
Thirdly, is your Dad remorseful for being violent? I'm not a mind-reader, I won't make that call on it! I will say this, your Dad is putting up a lot of defense mechanisms here when being confronted by you about his abusive behaviour, ranging from deflection to blaming others, to trying to minimize his violence etc. Usually when a person puts up defensive walls, its because psychologically their psyche can't handle admitting they did horrible things! People feel if they admit they are wrong it a) makes them weak (misconception) b) it means overall they are a horrible person (again, just because someone does something awful, doesn't make them horrible).
My father was a nightmare towards my mother! He did everything under the sun from name calling, to emotional blackmail, to death threats, all the way to extreme physical violence to the point of nearly killing her on several occasions! They were married 14 years, and they only seperated because he was arrested for assaulting her back in 1999! As for me? I was spared mainly, I got several backhands across the head if I acted up, and I was punched once in highschool by him, but I was spared the brutal end of the violence thankfully.
Has my Dad ever apologized to my mother, me or my sisters? That would be an outstanding no! To this day he can't even bring himself to admit he hit her, and he blames my sister for him being arrested and ruining his marriage. The closest he came to ever addressing his violence was when we confronted him once at a dinner (after the arrest) and he said that he did it "because my mother deserved it for being drunk and provoking him"(somewhat true, but I digress). To this day, he cannot be in the room with my mother even at family events, and this well over 20 years since his arrest, he can't look her in the eye, and on rare occasion they are in the room, he walks out or finds people to chat with that he feels comfortable with.
Do I think my Dad should own his ****? 100%, a real man doesn't go around beating women just for shits and giggles! Do I expect him to ever own it? No I don't! He doesn't have the maturity level needed to do so, his communication skills are at best meh and at worst piss poor. I'm well aware of the violent history, and I know exactly what he is and isn't capable of as well! Having said that, I don't live in the past, I don't hold onto this misguided sense of anger/hatred, not worth it, and quite frankly its pure toxic, it really is!
Do you want to know what was the turning point for me and my Dad? It was in 2006 when I was staying at his house for the summer, and my sister had come to visit, they ended up getting into a physical fight. He ended up throwing water on him and slapping her and she in turn slapped him right back! At that point I was lethally furious to him, to the point where when me and him were alone together, I actually did pick up a butcher knife and I really contemplated running that knife right through him. It was at that point I had to make a BIG decision and that was either a) pack up and move back to my real home before I'd kill him OR b) stay there, end his life and wind up going to jail for murder. THAT was the turning point, where I know despite how bad he ****** up that I needed to step back from the ledge and let go, because otherwise both our lives would be ruined. It took time, but, we were able to get to a civil place, where we get along without murderous thoughts! Don't get me wrong I'm well aware of him, but I also decided to forgive him for my own sake, and its been awesome letting go,
It sounds like you are looking to get go too, the problem is you are expecting WAY too much out of your father here! He just does not have it in him to admit he beat you and that he is truly sorry for it, it will never happen, and you need to accept that. Forgive the guy, stop living in the past, because by living in this anger you are only hurting yourself here, not him! Its up to you though if you want him in your life or not, only you can decide that one.