another poem by Me...I hope you like it,please let me know~?

Question

entitled: Young Love
Cupid has drawn and arrow 
and he's flung a perfect shot                            it's pierced the skin about my chest
and in my heart burns hot
for I am in love with a fair young girl
so much I cannot say
but she is a victim of her tender youth
and a victim she'd like to stay
so Cupid must appear once more
to set this matter right
and with his tiny little bow 
set and arrow into flight
that would come to rest within her chest
and lodge deep within her heart
so her fears would go and she'd come to know
that we should never part~~~

marygirl · Accepted Answer

Nice job Mr. Sarkies

iamookae · Answer

just to let you know, I am very critical when it comes to poetry because I have studied so much of it.....
so you should work on your line lengths and line breaks. never end a line with "the". you will never see that! ever. I promise.
second, try to end with nouns and verbs only. it will carry to the next line with more strength!

it is a great subject and has some great ideas though. it just needs some editing!

kittybriton · Answer

two things I think need fixing-
(1) "drawn and arrow"? "drawn AN arrow" surely?
(2) "a victim of her youth" - would prefer to remain "a victim of her youth". I don't understand why anyone would (a) prefer to remain a victim, or (b) consider youth such a burden.

Keep working on your style. I think it shows potential.

Anonymous · Answer

Well it's ok, but needs editing. You'd get 7 out of 10.

McCloud · Answer

It's very cute....

Not really made for a contest but I am sure any young lady would love it..

I give it a B+


Don

senshi_starhealer · Answer

Wow, I am a newcomer. Take it easy. I don't even know your blades between your legs. (innocent flowers) *hint, hint*

Anonymous · Answer

It's very nice. Polish it a bit?

Ano · Answer

nice poem looking forward to see more of your poems.

rx8 slotcar · Answer

nice

zara ahmed · Answer

ohooooo that is certainly wonderful.... wow... i like it... ummm like above..... i give u an A- umm  a better grade... rite....?????????

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another poem by Me...I hope you like it,please let me know~?

13 Answers