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My step-daughter (age 10) is acting out because she is having trouble dealing with her mother's death?
My husband's first wife died when my step-daughter was just 5 years old. We married a couple of years ago, following many years of friendship with all of us, them & my ex & myself. My sd is now acting out against our (dh & I) authority, and just the other day she said it was because I wasn't "her mother". How can I help her cope with these feelings? I am not angry, just very concerned! Help?!
Wow! Such terrific advice already! Thank you everyone!! I have to add that I do tell her that although I love her as my own, I am in no way trying to take her mom's "place". She is just as important and beloved as all our children (we're a blended family of seven - three are "his").
When we married, we involved the children in our ceremony. I realized that as we both had children, this had to be a group decision! We both legally adopted each other's children, and my sd & I had our own little ceremony where we "adopted" each other...her idea (which was just so sweet!). On her mother's birthday last year, I gave her a scrapbook made up of pictures with her mother, their family photo's, and favorite pictures & keepsakes of her mom's (cards from her & her siblings, etc.) She also has a 8X10 framed picture of her mum on her wall in her room. She was allowed to keep whatever she wanted from her mother's things as well.
Thank you again for all your wonderful, wise words!
Oh yeah...one other thing. What really has me worried for her is that she has become very hostile, and not just to me. Last week her teacher called me in and told me that she was being very horrid & abusive to other children in her class, and when asked about it, she told her teacher that she could do whatever she wanted to people because she lost her mother, and everyone had to be nice to her because of that. Sorry, should of added that in the inital question.
13 Answers
- Anonymous2 decades agoFavorite Answer
Your step daughter may need some counseling to help with the grief of her mother. You should always let her cry, etc. Don't take any possessions of her mother away. She needs to see them and be able to cope and when she is ready she will let you know when its okay to put such things away. Let her have an article of clothing that smells like her mom so she can remember...losing a mom at her young age is hard for her deal with it. remember when she lashes out on you its not your fault she is only trying to express her pain and anguish. Tell her you may not be her mother but you want to be able to help her during this trialsome time.
- 2 decades ago
I am a man so its different but went through similar events. You can;t push the Friend or mother envelope just have to show her your real, loving and your husbands wife and nothing more. Let the love flow and be there if she needs you and let time take it's course. My best wishes for your new family. it will all work out with Patience and love.
- 2 decades ago
Let her know that you are not there to take her mothers place. That You are there to be a friend if she needs one. Let her make the initiative. Let her have the choice. In time she will come around. But for now be very patient with her and try to understand. It may take a while but when she sees that you really care, she will come around.
- 2 decades ago
Talk to her to let her know that you understand she's going through an emotional time right now but that no matter what, you're always there for her. She needs you now more than ever. Even though you can't replace her mother, from now on you're going to be the closest thing to a mom she has.
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- 2 decades ago
talk to her and tell her that you know you will never be able to replace her mother or the bond that she had with her mother, but you would still like to have a strong happy and healthy relationship with her because you love her as if she were your own child, and ask her why she has so must hostility and resentment towards you. getting her to talk about how she feels should be a good start. good luck
- 2 decades ago
Hey.I'm 12 and my mom just passed away not too long ago.You shouldn't be too concerned.This is natural.Just give her a lil while to calm down about it.She will never completely get over it but I'm sure if you give her as much love and care as u can that it will soon help and she will come to love you too.I really hope this helped you.
- 2 decades ago
talk to her about her mother and let her share her feelings in a way that she feels "safe". remind her that you are not trying to replace her mother!
then you and your husband need to make it clear that you are one of her parents now, you love her and want the best for her, and that she is to obey you as she would her mother
- thresherLv 72 decades ago
How about. Go to her with warm sincerity and Tell her you LOVE her and Say your not her mother but will try to help you anyway you can.
- 2 decades ago
start by telling her that in no way are you trying to take her mother's place. let her know that you are concern with keeping her mothers memory alive....you can celebrate her mothers birthday with her or you can fix up a little place in her room where she can go when she is missing her mother. for example....her mothers picture with candles or flowers in her room or in a little garden outside
- Anonymous2 decades ago
tell her that you dont wanna replace her mom as u said but that you want to be her friend and that u love her to pieces try talking to her adn about that agressivenessin school tell her thst its not good for her either :)
