TGIF!!! Got any jokes?

Little Johnny’s neighbors had a new baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the mother brought the new baby home from the hospital, Little Johnny’s family was invited over to see him.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word, “ears”, he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Little Johnny looked into the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.

“The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny.” Little Johnny then said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?” asked Little Johnny.

“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful. The doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”

“That’s great”, said Little Johnny, “cuz he’d be sh!t outta luck if he needed glasses.”

Some great ways to annoy people at work...

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

3. Insist that your e-mail address be xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or elvis-the-king@companyname.com.

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN.'

7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favours"

10. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13. Don't use any punctuation

14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15. Ask people what sex they are.

16. Specify that your drive through order is "to go."

19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

22. Five days in advance tell your co-workers you can't attend the social event because you're not in the mood.

23. Pretend your phone is a CB when talking with clients.

The Top Ten Things Men Know "FOR SURE" About Women

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10. They have boobs.

lmao.... ok here goes mines

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was a wakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your *** is gone."

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A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, Beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00

"Why so little,"she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I have to tell you first that this bird has lived in a House of Prostitution for the past twenty years and sometimes it says some pretty tough stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided at that price she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home, hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, turned his head to one side and said, "New house, new Madam." The woman was a bit offended at the implication, but then Thought, "Well, that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new Madam, new girls". The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then they began to laugh about the comments considering how and where the parrot had been living for the past twenty years.

Moments later, the woman's husband Frank came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Frank."

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Dear Abby:

My husband is not happy with my mood swings.The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time the asshole will buy me a diamond.

Signed,

Bitchy in Boston

You get my vote for this one.

And one for you.

Mailman's Last Day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F__k him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

I got this one wrapped up I think.... I got T.G.I.F and blondes at the same time.... here goes.....

Why do blondes have T.G.I.F on the inside of their shoes??

To remind them that... Toes Go In First......

LMAO!!

Next......

There's a blonde in an elevator. A businessman enters. The blonde is all smiles as she looks at the man and says....

"T.G.I.F."

The man smiles back and says

"S.H.I.T."

The blonde looks at him curiously. Again she says.....

"T.G.I.F."

Once again, the man smiles back and sweetly says..

"S.H.I.T."

The blonde becomes frustrated, so she decides to elaborate...

"T.G.I.F. -- you know.... Thank God It's Friday?"

The man smiles back once more and says...

"S.H.I.T. -- you know... Sorry Honey, It's Thursday.

HAHAHHAAAAA

Everyone have a good weekend now.....

LMAO!!!!!!!!

OK...here goes.....

An elephant and a camel are hanging out at a local water hole, and the elephant asks the camel, "Why do you have your boobs on your back?"

The camel looks at the elephant and replies, "That's an awful funny question, coming from a guy with his weiner on his face!"

That was great!!! Okay, here's my TGIF Joke:

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:

Blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON, blah, blah, YOU AND I, blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW.

A man was walking down the street and came across a pirate with a steering wheel stuffed down the front of his pants. The man asked, "Hey Pirate, what's that steering wheel down you pants for?"

The pirate answered, "Aarg, it drives me nuts."

George and Mabel are sitting in church when Mabel leans over to George and whispers "I just let a silent fart, what should I do?" George leans back to Mable and says "Check your hearing aid battery!"