Honest thoughtful answers only please (from men and women)... regarding cheating and marriage?

The JW thing throws a bit of a complication to it. I'm not going to bash the religion (I was raised as one), but I will admit that the issues surrounding family are usually handled by elders in the confines of the "congregation" setting.

It varies from one congregation to another (some are more like family than others, as with all churches), but the hierachy usually tilts in favour of the husband, regardless of who's wronged who.

But there's a good chance it could go this way. If she's the one who decides to divorce, she will have little support within the faith. She may still hold the faith very strong (likely the reason she's put up with repeated adultry). The law will allow her the custody, but the contentions will be more angered because of the value JW's put on the permanence of marriage. He could get disfellowshipped for his actions, but it's more likely he'll get disassociated for a propationary period of they decided to make the elders aware of his cheating. I'm also getting the idea (since she didn't go to the elders first - and you know about it) that she doen't feel comfortable dealing with the situation within the theocratic protocols that JW's are told to comply with.

I can't say "encourage her to divorce him". That's her decision. She's likely examined all of the options herself and is weighing them extensively. I would not recommend encouraging her to do anything out of revenge. Considering you mentioned she still loves him; there may be times when she's angered and hurt enough to be vindictive.

I actually was the child in a very similar situation, though. To be frank, I think things would have gone more smoothly if my parents had divorced when things began to happen (I was six the first time). And I really don't think that the church needs to be directly involved. I can only suggest that they have a series of informal discussions to find out where they both stand.

Things like

The husband - Where does he see himself in five years?

Same question for the wife.

How important is the faith for the two of them?

Can their life decisions be better served if they stay together? Or if they part ways?

If "he" values his religion and family, is there a way he can alter his lifestyle to accomodate? Or is he just not interested, and bored with the cards he has? What is it inside of him that's driving him?

Does she blame herself? If so, is the reason valid (i.e. can she find areas in her own personality that may contribute to his behaviour)? Or is it a reaction of the betrayal and blow to self esteem?

And, of course, there's the child to consider. Do they want to set an example for the child? My parents stayed together, but they weren't good role models as the years went on. I DO think the wife has the right to demand that the covanent be valued, and by being passive (as most JW wives are in this case), she's also setting a bad example that will negatively affect the child's decisions as he/she matures. And if he's the head of household he needs to find a way to mature emotionally to reflect the responsibility that is demanded of him in that position.

There's really not much more to say in such a case, but it does boil down to how their faith plays a role in their lives, and if it doens't in his, then he should make other plans and show proper respect for those who will be affected by them. But he shouldn't stay if he's not going to change, which is basically saying that his lifestyle is more important than the faith. He has to search himself and find out why.

That's the best answer I can give under such ambigiously detailed circumstances. There's really a lot involved in this.

First off, being a friend, I wouldn't say or do anything that might affect your friendship. Too many times a friend will say something bad only to have it thrown back in their face if the couple get back together. I guess your friend will need to take a good look at her life and see if there is anything that's worth salvaging in her marriage. Her husband seems to be a wanderer since this is his 3rd affair in several years....have things been bad between them all that time? I would feel betrayed and I'm not sure I'd be able to get over it, and the trust factor is a major part. Just tell your friend that you support her in whatever decision she makes regarding her life.

well i guess people can window shop but its when you make a cash purchase you need to worry.

I would tell her to think about what she REALLY wants out of life. A marriage to a man she is not happy with who cheats or alone and able to deal with all that being a single mum has to bring.

This is always going to be a really hard decision for her.she will need somebody as a friend when the chips are down too.

nothing in common and unhappy for a long time is not good however you look at it. I would leave and try to be happy and eventually move on,but hey its not my marriage of 16 years to throw away.

From personal experience, My husband cheated on me also. I'm a religious woman and endured a lot of abuse from this man. A LOT! I worshiped the ground he walked on. I knew in my heart that the only way I would divorce him is if he cheated because to me, that is the ultimate betrayal of trust. And also, I thought that as long as there was adultery, divorce was accepted in God's eyes. But everyone is different. If he cheated on her and she still feels as though she can regain that trust somehow, then she needs to keep hanging on. But no matter whether there are children or love or whatever. You can't have a marriage with no trust.

To me there is a difference of loving someone and being in love with some one.... Seems like the marriage was over along time ago... Neither one of you are happy you are just staying together cause you thinks its right... well i tried that and couldn't handle it anymore I say move on life is too short oh yeah I have kids to but couldn't deal with it any more best of luck and if he cheated it's cause he is missing something he may do it again and again

What does the husband plan to do?

As admirable as your friend's devotion is to her husband, and for her still loving him (oh, man, that always makes it hard... to still love the person screwing you over...sigh), ultimately there is no marriage if he decides to not change his cheating ways.

He has already broken his vows three times, and he is currently still cheating on his wife even as he tells her all this. That doesn't describe a heart that wants to save the marriage.

If your friend is committed, she should ask him to come completely clean (i.e., "is there anything else you'd like to tell me?"), drop the current affair immediately, and go to counseling with her. Get help from other people in their church.

If he strays again, that's the end.

If he feels like he wants to stray, he should come tell her so that he can avoid the temptation.

Meanwhile, he needs to be spending time with his wife and kid, to build up the relationship.

If he is not willing to take these steps to fix the marriage, it does her no benefit to stick things out, nor does it help him to change or move on, and it doesn't help the child see what marriage entails.

Again, I know it's breaking her heart to move on, but she needs to be brave (with your support...!) and resolve this either way.

Stick with her, she will need you. I don't know if the JW's will stick with her; don't let her walk this alone.

The fact that she is "religious" has a large affect on her thinking. She realizes that she made a convenant before God, not just a legal contract. You know, "we come before God to unite this man & this woman", "for better, for worse"?

The fact that they don't have much in common is not the deal breaker. Many happily marriage couples don't go around in the other's pocket.

But this husband has broken those vows he pledged, & she is no longer bound by those vows. She has "Bible grounds" to get rid of this dishonest & cheating man.

It is hard to break up a home, especially when there are children involved. But she & the child will be beter off. Give her support while she does this. And be ready for what this husband may have in store....as far as violence.

It's time for your friend to realize her marriage is over - if for no other reason than her health. (Lots of diseases other there to bring home to her.) Something has to be really wrong with the marriage for him to be cheating all this time - or - he has a real problem and isn't ready to face it.

She should file for divorce. Start thing of number 1 - herself. If she doesn't, she won't be able to care for her child. Tell her to go talk to a lawyer - before she says anything to her husband about it. The lawyer would be able to advise her financially and to what her rights are. Tell her to go fast. With the affairs out in the open, her husband may file first - then she is really screwed!

Help your friend to be a good friend to herself. The news must be devastating and she may feel badly for quite a while. Ask her what she gets for the love she give the husband. Help her to understand that marriages are about both parties giving and receiving and having a soft place to fall. They are not about whether God wants them to stay connected or not. God doesn't want her to scrunch herself all up and torture herself to stay in the marriage. Whether most people would stay or not has NOTHING to do with her. She needs to take care of herself. When she feels she is a worthwhile, valuable, loveable person, in her own right married or not, she'll be ready to be in a relationship. She can't be that in a dysfunctional marriage.

Guys use sex to connect emotionally with women.

A cheating guy has 2 main issues. One, he isn't getting enough of an emotional connection from his wife. There are 2 main ways to deal with this...Get to the bottom of his sexual desires, and/or, teach him to learn other methods of connection.

The 2nd major issue is more psychological. Certain personalities are more prone to cheat (just as certain presonalities are more prone to get cheated on). A high ego drive (Alpha Male) attains a degree of satisfaction from spreading himself around. Other head issues include a missing conncetion with his mother, or an overly dominant mother. Both situations can lead to a never-ending search for something he didn't get (but wanted) as a child. Therapy will help him discover this stuff.