What can you do if your toddler is very clingy?

Well l never really had this problem with my daughter but here is an extract of the internet that may help

Coping with a Clingy Toddler

Does the following scene ring a bell? You walk into a birthday party with your 2-year-old son, who is well acquainted with the birthday girl and all the other toddler guests. Still, your little guy is stuck to you like brand new Velcro® to a sneaker.

You try to encourage him to go join the other children, but he won’t budge – whimpering when you make the suggestion. All the other parents, whose children are off playing happily together, seem to eye you with either pity or condemnation. You’ve obviously done something terribly wrong in the short life of your child, you say to yourself, to make him cling to you so fearfully.

But is clingy behavior “wrong” or just a normal part of the developmental stage of toddlerhood?

Like little lambs?

The late Dr. Benjamin Spock’s venerable classic Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care points out that separation anxiety, of which clingyness is a part, is completely normal in 1- to 3-year-olds. Children’s desire to stay close to their parents once they learn to walk is an instinct probably related to the young of other species, such as sheep and goats, who follow closely after their mothers and bleat when they get separated. Unlike little lambs or kids (of the goat variety), who walk right after they’re born, human children don’t learn to walk until around 1 year old. But both kinds of young ones, once they begin to “toddle,” need the “trailing-after-mom (or dad)” instinct to protect them from getting lost or harmed.

Downsize that scariness

Dr. Kyle Pruett, a clinical psychiatrist at Yale’s Child Study Center and author of Me, Myself and I: How Children Build Their Sense of Self: 18 to 36 Months, says that clingyness is actually a toddler’s natural response to his or her primary “assignment” – becoming autonomous. Even at the tender ages of 1, 2 and 3, children want to be independent, and their entire childhood will be about making that happen – but it’s a very gradual process and it can be scary. Clinging on to Mom or Dad at certain moments is an attempt to downsize that scariness.

“It’s really important for parents to understand that clinging is a toddler’s course-correction, as if he’s saying ‘I’ve gone too far, I need my mommy, I need my daddy. I’m scared,’” Pruett explains. “It’s a response to this normal process of becoming his own person.”

Preschool teachers calm the clingyness

Gina Linne, a preschool teacher and mother of a 3-year-old, understands well the gradual evolution of a child’s developing independence. She has calmed the adjustment-to-preschool jitters of countless youngsters. Nevertheless, she’s still dealing with her son’s clinging behavior.

“He’s always been kind of shy and clingy in new situations,” she says. She takes the behavior in stride, as a professional and as a mom. “Clingyness among toddlers is definitely a common theme. I don’t get upset or embarrassed when my son is clingy, because I know when he’s like that he has a real fear.

“Even when we as parents can see that there’s nothing to be afraid of, the way children perceive their environment is totally different,” she explains. “With my son, either my husband or I will reassure him that if he leaves our side he’s going to be all right. We also try to introduce him to new environments ahead of time, if possible, to help him get over his fear of new situations.

“For instance, I recently took my son to a new library beforehand and made him feel comfortable, so on the day of the story time event, it wasn’t as scary for him. It turned out that he didn’t cling on to me nearly as long as he normally would have in a new setting.”

When children at her preschool cling to their mom or dad at drop-off time, Gina redirects their attention to an activity that she knows will interest them, and even those who cry when their parent leaves are usually fine within minutes. “It’s also important that the parent lets the child know that they understand they’re scared, but that mommy and daddy are sure they will be safe and will have a good time at school.”

Preschool teacher Deborah Begg is also a veteran at helping toddlers who cling to their parents at drop-off time adjust to being without them. She emphasizes the importance of allowing children to express their feelings about missing mom or dad.

“If I see that a child is clinging and then having a hard time when his parent leaves, I’ll say something like ‘It looks like you’re really missing your mom today,’” she says. “Then I might direct him to an activity where he can actually express that feeling. For instance, I have an easel that’s always set up, and I’ll ask the child if he’d like to do a drawing to give to his parent when she picks him up. Most kids love this idea. It releases their feelings right away, gives them something concrete to do, and lets them know we understand what they’re going through.”

Begg and her fellow teachers even have a song they sing with toddlers, which helps them work through their fear about being separated from their parents. It’s called, “Mommies Come Back, They Always Come Back.” It sounds simplistic, but Begg says this song, as well as a picture book about moms going away and coming back, is extremely helpful to little ones who cling on sadly when Mom or Dad brings them to school.

Why don’t they all cling?

But how about all those 2-year-olds at the birthday party who weren’t clinging to their parents – who were happily off socializing with other kids?

“As a parent, it’s natural to compare your clingy child to others of the same age who are more independent. But, the last criterion you should use when you’re thinking about your child’s clingyness is her age,” says Pruett. “More important is her temperament. Is she an independent kid who has no trouble dressing on her own in the morning? Or is she more interested in intense emotions, loving the intimacy of those clinging moments with you? There’s a huge variation in the temperamental drive toward autonomy, but every child is born with it.”

“Trying to rush children into premature autonomy is like trying to toilet train them too early,” Pruett explains. “It can backfire. If you wait for your child’s natural maturational skills to come about, the process will be much easier.”

You need a good mixture of both. Go with the flow to provide comfort and support but also give him the tools to feel confident and secure when you are not around. Some kids are more clingy than others and that's ok. The issue is whether or not they want or can be alone, or without you.

Always start with very short periods away. Always let him know that you love him and will return. (don't do the sneaking out routine, that develops mistrust!!!) Prepare him for separation and don't show any signs of fear on your part. (kids can sense it if you are uncomfortable and he will feed off of that.) Go get a coffee and come back. When you come back make a point of telling him, see I'm back and you did GREAT! It will be a process but he will soon trust you and realize that he can be just fine without you attached to him.

This is a necessary process and as he develops his individuality and independence the clingy's should go -but not completely, we don't want to give them up altogether do we? :)

I would try play groups so he can get used to other people being around. If he that clingy I don't think I would try preschool just yet. It could be really hard on both him and the teachers to deal with the seperation anxiety. If your around while he plays with other kids he will gradually get used to doing this. Then when he is comfortable..I would try leaving him for an hour or so a couple times a week, but don't push it too fast. After awhile..he will learn that mommy will come back and he is ok while she is gone. Good Luck.

This is part of his development and he will grow out of it, he is gaining a strong sense of self right now which is why temper tantrums are at there worst. Give him plenty of love and reassurance, dont scold his behaviour just be encouraging, loving and understanding as im sure you are. He will grow out of it soon he is a normal little boy meeting his stages. Take time out for yourself and leave him with relatives hes happy with, he may cry when you leave him but it wont last long so dont feel guilty about taking some 'me' time. Tumble tot classes, playschool etc will help him gain confidence and move through this stage a little happier and maybe quicker. There are classes he can go to where you can stay if he wont be left. Grit your teeth it will settle soon, i remember being like this and my mum laughs about it now, i drove her mad!! good luck xx

P.s Try leaving something with him which he knows you never leave behind so he knows you are coming back, a bag or something. Praise him like mad when you pick him up.

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go with the flow he should grow out of it soon. most children tend to go through the phase. you could try to continue to talk to him when you leave the room to reassure him that you are still there. always explain what you are doing "mummys going to the toilet darling i'll be back in a minute" "i'm just going to the kitchen i'll just be a second"

my health visitor always advised me that the peeka boo game was a good way to avoid clingyness because it is just acase of teaching your child that just because they can't see something doesn't mean it won't be returning. hide objects under a blanket, hide your face, stand behind a door and hide your body, etc

I think its hard, you have to ween them off you so to speak bit by bit and then they will have the independance.

So for instance get them something to do like painting and when theyre doing it walk away but not far- just into the kitchen, it they scream keep doing it bit by bit maybe if you just sit at the other end of the room.

You have to do this- you can't have a clingy child all your life- you will go mad and imagine their first day of school- it will be a nightmare- Im sure there are plenty of good books in the library

So when they have been well behaved and you've been able to leave them whilst they paint- treat them!!!

They soon get used to the idea!

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Have a nice day

Gently try to socialise them with others, start for short periods andgradually built it up. Make sure they feel lovedand know you will return in a set time.

My childrenwere both quite bad but slowly they are becoming more confident

1

i think you should enjoy whilst you can .why not try a day centre or playgroup where you both stay and play just so he still knows your there but has activies which will slowly get him intrested and he still feel safe to go off and play knowing he can see you will build he confidence . then you wont be the one trying to calm down the screaming panicked child on the first day of nursery.