Where do I go from here?

Dear Randy....I am speaking to you from your wife's point of view. Believe me when I say that I know exactly how she feels, how you feel, and the devastation and pain this has caused in your lives.

I have been in your wife's shoes, and it's not an easy place to find yourself. Nor is your position easy either. My late husband disclosed his bisexuality to me after 20 years of marriage. He told me the only thing harder than telling me the truth, was living with the lie for 20 years...

I will tell you what I told him. He had to choose one, or the other. Being bi sexual gives you no right to have BOTH. Just because you interact well sexually with both male and female does not give you the right to have one of each. You have to choose, being honest with yourself, which ever makes you happy, and completes you as a person. You say you have to be with the kids for 6 more years. Remember, you are their Dad, and you will ALWAYS be there for them. There is no limit to the time invested in your children, it's a lifetime.

If your children are old enough, you need to talk to them, and be honest. This won't be necessary if you stay with their mother, but if you choose to live your life as a gay man, you should share that with them, so they can hear it from you, and forgo societies preconceived ideas of homosexuality.

This is not an easy road you have found yourself on, for any involved. I think in all honesty, the best you can hope for at this point, is to remain friends with your wife, and always, ALWAYS be there for her as far as the children are involved.

My husband and I chose to go our seperate ways, after 20 years. It was heartbreaking, but I understood his need, and I also understood that I could not meet it. He was a good man, and he deserved to be happy.

Seven months after our seperation, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and given a very bleak prognosis of 6-8 months to live. He returned to our home, and spent his last days with a family that loved him, and a wife who adored him, and even admired him for his strength to come forward and be honest with me, as difficult as it was. He was surrounded by the love of his family when he slipped out of this world on May 4, of this year, 2006.

His bisexuality was only a part of him, and the dedication and love he gave us through the years, despite denying his own needs, was amazing and will never be forgotten..

So, be honest with yourself, and your wife and children. As difficult as it may be, it is what's best for all of you, and the ONLY way the famiy can get through this.

and as for your wife allowing you to have a guy on the side, that's unfair to either of you. Right now, she is desperate to save her marriage and is not thinking straight....it won't last long. It is a pitiful semblance of a marriage, and it's not fair to her especially to have to share you with anyone, male or female...You have to choose my friend. It's the only decent thing to do, for everyone.

I wish you the very best.

Your wife was being generous, very generous and I give her major points for that. While you, on the other hand, lose points.

The CHILDREN should ALWAYS come first. They are a weight around your ankles now that your desires have turned in another direction.

As for the other fella- He found another real quick didn't he-Humm! Must not have loved you so much to start with.

I am NOT cheering about your sorrow but I am glad your kids will still have a dad around. You did want them in the first place right?

Your wife has more stones then u do at this time and has show you just how much her love is worth. A heck of a lot more then your so-called-life lover.

Stop counting the days when you can be rid of your kids and enjoy them NOW! If you don't you'll regret it later.

And all this advice is coming from a lesbian.

Hi Randy,

You have gotten yourself into a real pickle! I am going to be very honestly with you but at the same time I am going to be sensitive to your feelings.

It is not fair to your wife to be living a lie to her. You need to come to the conclusion that you are a gay male and a man to man relationship is really what you want and is what will make you happy. Your plan of seeing your boyfriend occasionally throughout the year WILL NOT WORK even if he was planning on "waiting for you". I am feeling that a big reason you don't want to leave is a child support issue. There are many famlies out in the world where the children have seperated parents. It is difficult for them but they will adjust. What is important is that the two of you get along and don't downgrade each other in front of the children.

Face it, you love your wife but I feel you love her because you are comfortable with her and love her as a person, not as a deep down fulfillment.

Let her move on to someone who can be committed to her and don't hold her down for the sake of the children.

The two of you will both be happier if you part ways but still remain friends. It can happen. Even if you don't get into another male relationship right away, at least you can be comfortable to date and look for that special someone.

Your children love you and it will be difficult to see the two of you split up and you being involved with another man, but that is because they are not used to that behavior. But because they do love you, in time they will again adjust, understand and accept.

You sound like such a great guy, I sure wish I was available for you. I can be in terms of support so feel free to email me.

Here's my thoughts .... you're being a selfish jerk. Why would you want to put your wife and kid's through this? I'm sorry friend, but you really can't have your cake and eat it too. It doesn't work that way....unless you end up on Jerry Springer.

And ... I don't blame this other dude for finding a friend that will be committed to him "full-time". I wouldn't want to be on the back burner neither. You need to find who you truly are. My current boyfriend of 6 years was marred with two kid's. He found that it was easier to leave his wife then punish her emotionally by seeing my partner wonder away with another guy and doing God knows what. If you truly love her .... don't let her see this. Figure out what you truly want and move on. Oh .. as for the kid's...sometimes it's easier for them not to see their father going away on a "fishing trip" 4 times a year. Feels like Brokeback Mountain all over again.

You need to choose. I'll give you a push in the right direction .... after this .... I don't see the marriage lasting anyways.

Ok there are so many issues here I will try to break this down and sincerely help.

1. YOur Bisexuality. WHo do you HONESTLY like more? Women or Men? YOu will have to make a choice and stick with it. WHo ever you like more will have to be decided, because unfortunatly you can't have your cake and eat it to. Doesnt work this way. You hid this from your wife which is wrong and dishonest and I hate to say this (I know form personal Experience) Kharma is a BYATCH!

Your Wife and Kids: YOu have the right to the pursuit of your happiness! YOUR Happiness. How can you be a miserable man and so down hearted and still expect to be a good father and husband to your kids. You have to Love and Honor yourself, take care of yourself b4 you can take care of anyone else. What good are you to anyone else if your not in good mind and body.

Leave that Rich fool alone, and pursue men. Or stay and really try to work this all out, you might have to have an Open marriage where you two can see other people. Not one couple is alike and whats good for one may not be good for the other, so trial by error my friend. Good luck and Godbless with this whole situation.

Hello Randy,

You know that you have my sympathies and my online support on your current situation and soul torment.

But I am curious about one thing...actually confused.

The person you are seeing...how can you be in love with him while he is seeing someone else? I know that maybe your situation is hard for someone to stay and wait, but it doesnt mean that there are not people out there who will support you and actually stay with you all the way. You said that he is seeing another guy and he is falling for him...I really think that you should let go (I know it is really hard) but you have so many problems already...your mom thinks you are crazy, your family is in such a difficult position. An additional complication and probably a heart brake is more than you can cope with at the moment.

I dont know...but, if he really loved you he would stay. And you cant blame yourself all the time, ok, you have your problems but it doesnt mean that he shouldnt support you. If we only looked for people without any problems and no will to support them, then how scary would this world be?

I really feel for you, and please stay strong. You can go through this, besides you are a man of faith. Have faith in your self at this time.

I wish you the best,

Panos

Ask yourself if your still in love with your wife. Ask yourself if your kids weren't there, would you stay with her anyways? If the answer is no, then you should probably consider divorce. Everyone is different, but you have to agree with me, that even if this guy was okay with the "visits" yearly, that would not be fair to him and ESPECIALLY your wife. It's just a disrepectful and cruel thing to do, she probably made this suggestion out of despair and saddness, her emotions aren't making her think clearly, I doubt she could handle your "absence", knowing what you're doing and with someone else. Don't worry about this other guy right now. Focus on your marriage, do you feel your heart is in it, or not? If not, take care of that first and then move on down your priority list. Sounds confusing and a like a big mess, but take it one step at a time.

I'd keep my options open, were I you and get fitted for a flack jacket. It's the calm before the storm. Do you really think she can live with that?

From a woman's perspective- She's in 'why am I a victim' mode and you are going to catch hell before long. You can try to enjoy this honeymoon period, but be ready to pack your bags and run. Before long, she's going to boil over and hit the anger stage.

Staying for the kids is never a good reason and now your fella has found another. Glad you're in your shoes and I'm in mine.

Soap box time.....No consolation, as you created this whole mess. Is that what your feeling? Have you EVER been cheated on? Remember how that felt? Obviously not, as you allowed it to happen to someone you "loved".....and, who is now struggling to salvage whatever marriage you have left....and YET your being greedy. Who are you to tell your "gOyfriend" that he can go elsewhere as long you get to have him on occasion? ON OCCASION? Your some piece of work. Your gay Randy, except it, swallow it, move on with your life. Your 40, not 80. There's a life out there still, stop wasting it and other peoples as well. Your kids aren't benefiting from you staying around, you don't have to live with them to help raise them. Things work out in the long run.

After reading what you have written and then what Pam has written I find my own self sitting here in tears for both of you. This isn't an easy road for you to walk down and I pray that you will find the love and support you need from family and friends that you trust. Sending you love and hugs for this very trying time in your life.....