I want it on a formal very good English language?ASAP pls?

Question

I've to hand over this report ASAP thanks for yout time &Help pls
Dear Sir,
Please find hereunder the incedint report of room 3225 
On the mornong of 20/10/2006  the (state the nationality) crew arrived at the early morning & was all checked in succesfully but seems that one of the crew members didnt arrive & accordingly he didnt checked in to his room which was supposed to be room 3225,however this wasnt discovered neither by the reception whom was supposed to find out when he could not find thiis crew member ID among all the other IDs of the rest of the crew nor discovered  by the operator upon sending the police report,nor discovered by the night operator whom didnt make the daily inventory for the crew wake up calls which he is supposed to make to be signed & rechecked by the reception,this resulted in a wrong wake up call was given to Captin Eleen song whom arrived on the afternoon of  21/10/2006 & was checked in on the same room which was supposed to be given to the crew memer

ruthie · Accepted Answer

Dear Sir,
     Here under, please find and advise the undersigned of such necessary notification of incident report of room 3225 vacancy on 10-21-2006.  Through checking all the channels of authority I have discovered that the crew member  in Room 3225 was not in attendance which resulted in Captain Eleen Song receiving the incorrect wake up call in that same room.  I would sincerely appreciate you investigating this calamity and yielding a proper determination of the inaccurate wake up call.  Thank you for much for taking care of this inconvenience. 
 Very sincerely,

kate · Answer

I  have  a  general  idea  what  you  are  reporting,  but  it  is  still  very  confusing !    Are  you  talking   about  a  cleaning  crew   coming  to work  at  a  hotel ?   Are  you  talking  about  a  flight  crew  staying  somewhere  ?   Is  the  missing  person  an  employee  or  a  client  ?    Is  the  ID  an  employee  or  customer  problem ?     Is  the  person  writing  the  report  trying  to  say  a  wrong  person  received  a  wake-up  call ?
FIRST,   there  are  too  many  sentences  run   together.   You  must  write  1  or  2  thoughts  or  actions  per  sentence.  More  than  that   makes  the  report  very  confusing.
If  it  was  just  an  issue  of  someone  getting  the  wrong  wake=up  indicate  that   the  original  customer  failed  to  check  into  his  room  and  the  scheduled  wake-up  call  went  to  the  the  customer  who  actually  ended  up  using  the  room.     All  of  the  details  about  the  lost  ID  are  only  necessary  if  you  are  a  supervisor  reporting  employees  loosing  theirs.   And  what  is  an  'inventory'  for  crew  wake-up  mean ?                good  luck  !

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I want it on a formal very good English language?ASAP pls?

2 Answers