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My gf of 2 years and I broke up.... she has kids, not mine?
We didn't encourage her kids to call me Dad. They just did it on their own. One was 1 year old when I met her and the other one was 2. We actually talked about marriage and all that, so it's not like we didn't see a real future. The details of why our relationship ended really don't make a difference as to my question. So, here it is: What's the best thing to do for the kids? They miss me and ask her constantly why I'm not coming home to see them. On one hand, I feel like I should at least be there for them. Unfortunately, they're not my biological kids, so is this right or wrong? Or, should I just cut ties completely. Or, should I see them less and less until they get used to the idea (while explaining to them) that I will not be around as much in the future. You know, phasing myself gradually out of their lives? Reconciliation with her is not an option. Please, only mature responses and real advice, as there are real lives involved and ultimately is not the kids fault.
Thank you so much for your mature responses. I really appreciate the feedback. I really DO LOVE THIS KIDS with all my heart. But, I also undertand how my relationship with them may affect her or my future relationships. I want to do what's best for the kids now. I've already done what's best for me which was end the relationship. Believe me, I tried and tried to make it work. But, some things just can't be fixed.
Once again, thanks for the newest responses. We have talked about it and we're both confused as to what could be done. I've considered severing ties with them (all of them) completely for fear of misleading her into thinking that I want her back. I don't, as she has proven time and time again that our relationship as it was would be more harmful to the kids and us than beneficial. I have thought about staying away, and maybe just writing to them (have her mom read the letters to them of course). I really don't know. I'm just considering the best option(s) FOR THE KIDS. They're innocent angels.
I will like to add that the heart knows no wrong when falling in love with someone (kids or not). Believe me, I considered (or thought I did) the consequences of having this type of relationship. But, in the end, I let my heart guide me. I don't think I made the wrong choice. I spend a couple of wonderful years with them and raising them as best as I knew how. They do love me and that's proof that at least I seem to be doing something right. Their biological parents did not want anything to do with them. I did not pursue this relationship because of them. Also, I don't have any kids of my own. I'm fertil (lol). I just have been very careful in my relationships.
6 Answers
- belmystLv 51 decade agoFavorite Answer
First, can I just say I think you are an amazing person to have gone through a break up and still find it in your heart to consider children not your own. No wonder they loved you.
I think you have got to begin to distance yourself, unfortunately. But if you can, try to let those kids know you do care about them, and will always be there if they need a friend. If you just disappear, those kids will think it's something THEY did.
They have been blessed having someone like you in their lives - it would be such a shame (for them) if you just cut ties completely. I can't imagine they will ever get a better role model..
________
Can you just find a way to let them know you'll always be a soft place to fall if they need it? I would hate to think of kids living their life missing the chance of being truly cared about. Even from a distance, that can make a real difference.
- 1 decade ago
Wow. I'm sorry that you're in this situation. It it for this very reason that for the longest time I avoided dating single moms. However, I think your first mistake was allowing the kids to call you 'dad.' I've been with my gf for 5 years and her daughter still calls me 'bear.' Anyway, no sense in crying over spilled milk. I think that the easiest thing for the kids to handle, believe it or not, is a complete cut. I'm sure that there are some who disagree, but since these kids are so young, the phase out or just coming and going would simply serve to confuse them and prolong their misery when you have to leave again and again.
Hope this helps.
- 1 decade ago
You should ask her about it, I mean if she has problems with you being around her kids even after the breakup then you shouldnt. But if she appears fine with it then your both good to go. The only bad thing would be that she might think your trying to get back with her by using her kids.
Which Im not implying you are doing you obviousely show you care for these kids enough to ask this question. But she might not think the same you know. Just try to talk to her & figure out whats best for you,her & the kids. Either way you go I whish you the best of luck!
:]
- christyLv 61 decade ago
you can still be a part of these kids lives. actually, it would be awful if you weren't. if it is ok with the ex, then definitely spend time with the kids. there is nothing wrong with that. in fact, they probably really need someone like you in their lives. it will really mean a lot to them that you come around even though you & their mom broke up. whether they realize that now or later. stick around for now at least. if a new guy steps into her life, then you will probably have to back off & respect them. for now, be good to the kids as long as you can & want to.
- 1 decade ago
I'll pick option two, cuz that way it will be easier for them to accept while they are growin up the idea that you cant be around no more, but manly is up to you bro, cuz i mean how long is that goin to take, i know u care for them, but think about this, how involved are you emotionally with the kids?, do what's best for you, with what you are tellin me i'll pick the second option...but like i said do what's easier for you, not them, believe me, they will grow up and understand
- 1 decade ago
IT'S NICE YOU'RE SO CLOSE TO HER KIDS, I CAN TELL YOU REALLY LOVE THEM, ASK HER IF IT'S ALRIGHT FOR YOU TO SEE HER KIDS.IF SHE SAYS NO, MAYBE WHEN THEIR OLDER THEY WILL CHOOSE TO FIND YOU.I HOPE THIS HELPS YOU ~*~GOOD LUCK TO YOU~*~
