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Need some advice about my FIL...?
This is a long one, but here goes. My father in law has several grandchildren, his eldest has 1(6yrs), my husband and I have three (7yrs,3yrs,6months), his eldest daughter has 2 (11yrs, and 8yrs) and now his youngest daughter has 1 (2months). All of his children are out of the house and at least 27 years old. My problem is this he has always been rather put offish about the grandkids. Doesn't hold them when they are babies, tells them they are being too loud as toddlers and young children, don't touch that, do go there etc. etc. and my MIL defends him (he's a vet, he has been cranky since his stroke - five years ago), nobody has ever confronted him on it. His oldest son doesn't go to their house any more (very, very rarely - lives in the same town) his oldest daughter lives about two and a half hours away and only brings her kids down for the Holidays anymore, we live across town and rarely vist anymore because of the way the kids get treated there. At Thanksgiving we were (mostly) all
there, except for his oldest son. And my sis in law (the one with the older children) was playing with my youngest and said "say hi to grandpa" and he (my FIL) shook his head no and put up his hand as if to say "get that kid away from me", I don't know if he knows I saw this. And then not ten minutes later he is going on about how great his youngest grandson is (the two month old) and that he took a nap with him the other day, and bought this great toy for him, etc, etc. and it really hurt my feelings. Now I know that some of you are probably thinking well he sees him more so is closer to him. In my defense I have been going through this with him since my oldest was a baby, and we do take the kids down there to visit (just not as often as we go visit my parents) but every time we do my kids leave feeling hurt. Any way, I now told my husband that I don't want to go down there any more espically for Christmas because I am sick of him treating me and my kids like we aren't good enough.
He thinks that I should just let it go and pretend that I am fine with everything. He wants to go so that his mom's feelings do not get hurt. I say that she is part of the problem for always sticking up for him and not allowing any one to confront him on it. Now I am asking you, what do you think? What would you do?
2 Answers
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
Well dear, the only way to resolve this issue is to sit down and have a talk with your FIL or just stay away if this is how they react to having their loved ones over. So many times people may not realize that they are hurting peoples feelings or driving them away until someone points it out to them. After you have talked to him and he doesn't seem to respond to you in a positive way, then I would not continue to carry my kids there just to be abused by a family member who is supposed to love them. If all he has to offer his family is hostility and grouchiness then he needs to be alone. The MIL should not agree with him on this kind of behaviour because those are her grands as well. Even if he has had a stroke theres no reason to have the attitude that he has. Sounds like with that kind of behaviour he's looking forward to having another stroke from anger and hostility. I hope this helps you.
- BookwormLv 61 decade ago
He might be depressed or suffering some other post-stroke effect. Was he given a clean bill of health or did he continue on with some sort of physical, speech or emotional therapy? He might have some post-stroke depression and perhaps is sad/frustrated that he can't do what he used to do, resents that there's a young world going on without him, etc.
It's not fair to subject your kids to being hurt, although it doesn't seem he's cruel or abusive. Perhaps you should cut your visit to just dinner and presents.
However, if no one is willing to confront him or even address the issue, there's not much you can do.
