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Today you will have all the hot steamy sex you can handle...so where are my points?

Dear Virgo, today is the day for a new start. Re-organize your closets, clean out the kitchen, and take out the trash. Venus is in retrograde so think twice before saying hi to that stranger. He/she may have a hidden agenda. Try on a new role at work and you will be richly rewarded. Seize the day Virgo!

Here is your weekly from The Onion. Award winning (so they say). Check out your past horoscopes too.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

Sometimes it feels like all you do at work is clean up other people's sh*t, which isn't surprising considering you're employed full-time as a janitor.

Today you will awaken and feel exsquisite. Your creativity skills are coming into motion and you will feel the need to express yourself. Have fun meeting new people and making friends as jupiter the planet of communication moves into your sign today will help with this.

Lately you've been forgetting about important people in your life, so spend some time with family and friends. Watch how much money you spend this week. And soon you will get a chance to meet someone who can help you out with some serious questions you might have. : )

Today you will enter an internet portal and your sense of humor will be awakened.ok i give up already (sorry gemini attention span)

You will ask a retarded question on some meaningless website. You need more money, you will have thoughts about a past love. You have job concerns. Sound right? Moron.

you are undercover today someone appreciates you but you don't show your true feelings for that person open up and you will find yourself today

today your going to met some one you will fall in love with, so be happy and let life go on with her in it.