memo from santa?

MEMO FROM SANTA

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will

no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia,

North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas,

Alabama, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the

overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract

was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local

209. As part of the new and better contract I also get

longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good

hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my

third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from

the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to

all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few

differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents

from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a

bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith

and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that

children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie]

on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips

a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can

handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin'

coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of

loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and

Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and

Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear,

"On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott, and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you

also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd

dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'

sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the

back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on

34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown

in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see

"Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV"

featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state

patrol cars crashing into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd

make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way

when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,

S. Claus