How to cope with a self-victimizing manipulator in my family?

Please re-read what you have written and see how you mirror the 'niceness'. What upsets you is your OWN niceness in not setting the boundaries you know you should for yourself.

Simply discard ALL judgment - for yourself and them - and look at the situation from an outside perspective - as though you were an observer who sees them AND you.

Then set your boundaries - tell these people that you can and will make your own decisions in your life. You'll observe that it doesn't "sound nice" of you to say that.

Feel your anger and then let it go.

Observe the results.

Let them have THEIR feelings and be responsible for them.

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I once had to lock my apartment to my mother who constantly went in there to change the sheets, put up curtains, and 'clean my desk' while I was gone. After several attempts to set verbal boundaries with her, I finally just locked her out. Yes, she was insulted, but my privacy was restored, and our relationship improved. She sulked, and I let her sulk.

If you are not able to change yourself alone, it is better you consult a professional psychologist or behavioral therapist and get help. Also you can read good self -help books, like, How to stop worrying and start living", The Road Less Traveled, etc. and follow the advises given therein. Better, you improve your physical health by joining some gym or yoga class and practice sincerely and vigorously. To change the negative thinking and personality will need definite efforts and instead of lamenting you must act yourself with professional help as above. Pls. remember that nobody, except God, is perfect. You must try to overcome whatever inferiority complex you will be having by opening your mind fully to some one to remove the conflicts in your mind.

This person might be what I call "benign narcissic." I have included a checklist for narcism. If you read the site, you will find it describing narcissic people as very cruel, for their own pleasure. The one I knew was not cruel at all. He genuinely wanted our benefit; he just wanted himself to be responsible for it and get all the credit for it. That's why I add the "benign" part. He scored very high on the checklist.

Get the book, When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, by Manuel J. Smith. It gives excellent techniques for standing up for yourself. He also tells you how to get away with not answering questions. It's excellent, and it's only $8 new.

Say, "That's really interesting advice. I'll definitely consider it." Then do what you want. Learn to use noncommittal words, like interesting, consider, think about it. I

f you're really, really cornered (the book will help you not to get in that position), say, "I really appreciate(d) your advice, but I'm of an age that I need to be making my own decisions. If I decide not to take your advice and get in trouble, I guess I'll learn--but if I always do as you say, because you say it, I'll never learn to stand on my own two feet. I know you care a lot about me, and I appreciate that, but I really need to get my own sea legs, and I can't do that if I just do what you say. But I will keep your advice in mind."

It sounds like you've already found out that you can't address their manipulations directly. After all, they're only doing it because they "care about you so much." Yadda yadda

1- Stop reading self help books that have words like self-victimizing manipulator in them.

2- Get out of the house more.

I just had to get rid of one of those relationships. I am a much happier person now. I have to worry about me and my boys first. Right now in my life I will not deal with those people that drain me. Just walk away for a while.