Another poerty attempt pt2 .. any honest opinions ?

You need to appeal to the senses more. As a poet, you obviously want to convey and communicate experiences, opinions and attitudes. To do this the reader needs to be able to feel like they are experiencing something. You really only appeal to the visual senses here, so try and appeal to what the reader can smell, touch or hear.

Also, I agree with what has been said about the rhyming pattern. Rhyming is good and can be effective with certain types of poems and subject matters, however is not necessary. Think about what you are writing about; alcoholism? the issue of no work in small towns? Try and reflect that in your poem.

I remembered an earlier version of this and went back to look at it so I could see what changes you've made. And I see you have helped the reader with the actual time-line of events that you discuss in this work in progress. This helps it to hang together better which helps the readers who care to read it.

It hurts to see the pain you are going through but getting some of this out over time may help remove some of the free-floating stuff in your head and heart that distracts you from moving forward and making something of your life you will be proud of.

I think Nathan's advice is right on the mark. Your experience is so multi-dimensional you are probably restricting your expression of it by rhyme. Now that you've got down the skeleton of what you are thinking and feeling you might try restating it in a letter to a friend as one way of learning just plain prose. The letter need not ever be sent...it would simply be a helpful exercise for you to undertake to discover "your voice" for this experience. Stay with it.

Rhyme generally works better with more light-hearted topics. You don't want to get sing-songy with this. You don't want to use heroic couplets on this one.Trust me.

This is a heartfelt topic for you, one, which if I remember right, changed your whole life. Write from your gut on this one. Perhaps a poem isn't the right medium for it. Give it some meat and potatoes, give it some bulk, give it a chance to take seed in someone else's brain. Try it as prose. This ordeal took years out fo your life and you are still dealing with it. Why do you think you can sum it up in 22 lines? Do not try to sweep this under the rug with incidental verse.

Keep working on it. I would suggest reading some confessional poets (Hayden Carruth, Michael Ryan, Carolyn Forche, and Linda McCarriston, just to name a few) to get an idea about how poets write about such personal and difficult topics.

I know you've heard it before, but lose the rhyming. I can't tell you how many time I've winced at seeing an otherwise good poem spoiled by poor rhyming.

Alcoholism is a subject that deserves a darker, more serious tone, especially if you're writing a cautionary poem.

Interesting subject matter, but the poem has no distinct meter. Rephrase it so that it has a bit of rhythm when read aloud, or turn it into free verse and lose the rhymes. Such a dark subject might sound better of it's less lyrical.

I like it! It could use some work, but no ones perfect! I think the answer is better, but that's my opinion. I love the new last line!