38 things that happen in movies and just movies?

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.

9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).

12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard...

15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).

16. Cars never need fuel (unless they`re involved in a pursuit).

17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.

19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.

20. All single women have a cat.

21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick`s Day parade - at any time of the year.

24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don`t mind at all what the girl does for a living.

27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

28. It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying "Hello? Hello?" repeatedly.

29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (it`s called Sylvester Stallone`s Law aka Rambo`s Law).

30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.

31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.

32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.

33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.

34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.

38. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).

10 Best Answering Machine Messages

10. My wife and I can `t come to the phone right now, but if you `ll leave

your name and number, we `ll get back to you as soon as we `re finished.

9

.. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a tub,and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don `t need their picture taken. If you `re still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8

.. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic

thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your

number, and your reason for calling.... and I `ll think about returning your call.

7

.. Hi! John `s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I `ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6

.. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn `t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don `t worry, I have LOTS of money.

5

.. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we `re not here. So, leave a message.

4

.. Hello! If you leave a message, I `ll call you soon. If you leave a"sexy"

message, I `ll call sooner.

3

.. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2

.. Hi. I `m probably home, I `m just avoiding someone I don `t like. Leave me a message, and if I don `t call back, it `s you.

And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

1

.. Hello, you `ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can `t pick up the phone right now, because we `re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left

to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we `re done brushing our teeth, we `ll call you back.

A well-known motivational speaker gathering the entire crowd`s attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn`t my wife !"

The crowd was shocked!

He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!"

The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.

About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training decided to use that joke at his house. He tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him.

He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can`t remember who she was !"

As expected, he got thrashing of his life time....

Moral of the story: Don`t copy if you can`t paste.

Man discovered COLORS and invented PAINT; woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

Man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION; woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

Man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD; woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

Man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE; woman discovered LOVE and invented LOVE TRIANGLES.

Man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY; woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.

Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things... While women STUCK to shopping.............. !!!!!!!!!

WOMEN:

- Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are

smart,knowing that knowledge is power. But they

still know how to use their softer side to,

make a point.

- Women want to be the best for their family,

their friends, and themselves.

- Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have

sorrow at the loss of a family member,

yet they are strong when they think there is no

strength left.

- A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

- Women come in all sizes, in all colours and shapes.

They live in homes, apartments and cabins.

They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show,

how much they care about you.

- The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!

Women do more than just give birth.

They bring joy and hope.

- They give moral support to their family and friends.

And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for

you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN:

- Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and sometimes,

killing spiders.

A Collegian was deeply in love with a foreign girl,

whom he wanted to marry, but he did not have the

courage to talk to her in person. so he decided to

go home and with the aid of a dictionary, wrote a

letter of proposal to her.

this is what he wrote ......

my darling

most worthy of your estimation, after a long

consideration and much meditation, i have a strong

inclination to become your relation.

as to my educational qualification, it is no

exaggeration or fabrication, that i have passed my

matriculation, no doubt without any hesitation and

very little concentrated preparation. what you say

to the solemnization of our marriage celebration

according to the population of the present generation.

on your approbation of this application,

i shall make preparation to improve my situation,

and if such obligation is worthy of consideration

and commiseration, it will be an augmentation of the

joy and exultation of our joint dissimulation.

thanking you in anticipation and with devotion.

i remain,a victim of your fascination

The Girl replies

dear mr. victim of my fascination,

congaratulations for your lengthy narration,

of course, full of affection, aimed at an affliction

for a combination, which on examination, i find it a

fine presentation of your co-operation, but your

inclination to become my relation should embrace

more qualification so that you may reach high position.

you have passed the matriculation examination with

little concentration and preparartion. what about my

graduation after much concentration and botheration?

so improve your situation in education and make an

application by acquisition of post graduation,

the minimum qualification for the consideration of

our marriage celebration. after your education,

attend the convocation and before taking your photo

for circulation, undergo beautification.

further, strict observation of the following

conditions is the regulation for determination of

our relation:

1. consultation with my parents before approaching

for any connection.

2. communication of your confirmation that you are

not a victim of "any other" fascination, and

3. procreation must not be your recreation.

in anticipation of solid action of continuation of

proper conversation,

unaffected by your affection.

Man`s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some

cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to

find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use

the vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts

talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one

thing leads to another and they end up in her

apartment.

After they`ve had their fun, he realizes its 3AM

and says, "Oh no, its so late,

my wife`s going to kill me.

Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some

talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands

and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she

is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, its like this.

I went to the store like you asked, but they

were closed. So I went to the bar to use the

vending machine. I saw this great looking chick

there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to

another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and...

"You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!"

LET THE STARS GET COMING GUYS.

Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime,

and then spends most evenings bowling, playing

basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary,

thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so,

for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,

"Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"

Mary is puzzled and asks if he`s been to this

club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he`d

like his usual Budweiser.

Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says,

"You must come here a lot for that woman to know you

drink Budweiser."

"No, honey, she`s in the Ladies Bowling League.

We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her

arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says,

"Want your usual table dance?"

Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out

of the club.

Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab.

Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her.

Right away she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says,

"Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Dave."

LET THE STARS GET COMING GUYS.