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Your thoughts on "Kissing Yourself Goodnight", a new poem...?
...I'm hoping to have published in a poetry magazine. Any constructive contributions very welcome:
Kissing Yourself Goodnight
You cover your mirror in lip prints
Boots no.7 cherry red smeared on the glass:
One-two-three-four-five-six-seven.
Fingerprints push here and there too –
Three-four-five-foot-seven -
Those greasy grey whorls so individually you
So uniquely you, so…
You.
On the other side of the glass the other You:
Sagging...
naked...
panda-eyed,
cake-faced
tear-stained, half-drunk.
Touching your pubic,
touching yourself,
wrapping yourself in your own big arms,
no longer denying anything you are,
anything you were,
or what you’ve become.
You’re WeightWatcher, GymMember,
CareerWoman, CaringMom, DutifulDaughter,
YoungerSister, OlderSister, AttentiveNiece,
HappilyMarried, GoodTimeGirl, DemonLover,
CleanLiving, GoodHouseWife, BiCurious,
CloseFriend, EnvironmentallyAware,
LifeAndSoulOfTheParty,
MyKindOfAGal.
Sleep tight.
x
4 Answers
- Anonymous1 decade agoFavorite Answer
You are living in turmoil. you count the lip stains and finger prints on your glass, A dirty glass at that.
In referring to the other side of the glass, you can separate all that makes you so uniquely you. But from our prospective all we see is the one glass. There is to much on your plate, if you know what i mean. I feel it should get published because their are to many women out there that should relate.. peace out
- ToddLv 71 decade ago
A couple of comments:
Second section is much better than the first. If you can get some of that energy into the beggining it will be a much stronger poem. I almost think moving some of the section 2 external reflections up into section 1 might work.
Your revised section 2 lead in might be:
On the other side of the glass the other You:
no longer denying anything you are,
The two lines I wasn't fond of that felt out of place were:
MyKindOfAGal.
Sleep tight.
I think this is the subjects assessment of herself not the narrators.
I also, think sleep tight lacks punch after the really strong lead up.
Just my thoughts. Good luck on getting it published.
- 1 decade ago
It seems to me that the first part (I don't know if you want to call it "stanza") should be a more positive portrait than the "greasy grey whorls", something more sexy maybe or at least more ambiguous, so that the second part is more unexpected for the reader. One thing I don't understand: "Three-four-five-foot-seven" (but then, I am French...).
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Your first paragraph needs some work... I'm reading this and not sure what you are trying to invoke in me... the first two lines are fine but when you start with the counting you lose me... leave out the touching lines... they disrupt your flow... pulling the mind from her face to a place you really don't want to go... I don't like the My kind of Gal line either... you put yourself in there and you don't belong... the rest is like an abstract observation and then you put a personal reference into it by adding that line that to me doesn't belong....
