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Let me know what you think. this is #4.?
This is may 4th poem. It's as bad as the others ( I think I use the word 'awful' to much ). This one is another depressing poem. I know that you've all probably had your fill of poems like this, but it is, pathetically, all I have at the moment. Let me know what you think.
Untitled 1
And all that you do is mock me with mimicry,
Lay blame at my feet with a claim of moods finicky.
And though you’re the one whom I yearn for the most,
You take joy and you laugh while my tender heart roasts.
And each day anew I expect naught but love from you,
And each day again I find this hope snatched away by you.
There’s naught in my chest but a sad little hole,
A horrible pit used to torture my soul,
And it’s there that you’ve found a perch to your liking,
A place you can crush all I am by just striking.
And yet I love you now more than I did just this morning,
Though for my lost soul I will always be mourning
7 Answers
- Anonymous1 decade agoFavorite Answer
It's actually pretty good, only tiny annoying thing I found was the rhyming of words like "mourning" and "morning", "you" and "you". It just sounds like you've run out of ideas. But other than that it's good
- Tyler's MateLv 41 decade ago
The sense of the poem is being dictated by the rhyme - never a good thing.
Try reading some renowned poetry (aloud, where possible), get to understand the rhythms and patterns, and why rhyming doth not a poem maketh. Nor does using archaic language just for the sake of it.
As it is, I'm afraid this is pretty standard teen angst. Next time you write, try just putting down what you feel in your own words and your own language. It might be a poem, it might not - but using it as a medium to get in touch with your real feelings and ideas is more important.
- 1 decade ago
Good to know that you can rhyme well, but it didn't really catch my interest...sorry.
The mood isn't deep enough, it seems like a shallow portrayal of someone elses feelings that you're describing, not your own... I don't know if that made sense to you but..
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- Anonymous1 decade ago
i didnt like the beginning but i liked it at line eight it started to get better start there and start over. i really like depressing poems. its really all that i write thougjh i am not really depreessed its wierd. but yr poems ok
- 1 decade ago
thats an intense poem. but its so sad. like its rlly good but i mean i try writing happy poetry sometimes =) i noe sad poetry does come more easily
