Diary of a Snow Shoveler?

Diary of a Snow Shoveler......

So far so good...

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the

season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours

by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from

heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we

felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow

covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!

Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here

was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in

years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the

sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up

the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel

again. What a perfect life!

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a

disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll

definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be

awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter,

that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's

possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature

dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind

took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway

And sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this

afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would

have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get

back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4

Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra

shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in

case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't

in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rear end on the

ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like you can't

believe. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very

cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go

anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the

blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife

and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood

stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's

right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living

room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the

stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. That dumb

snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel,

but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're

lying.

December 21: Called the only hardware store around to see about

buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another

shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to

shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's

lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13

more inches of the white crud fell today, and it's so cold it

probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all

dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to use the

bathroom. By the time I got undressed, went, and dressed again,

I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on

his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy.

I'm sure he is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The

wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.

What is she nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month

ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the

shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the

son of a gun who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the

snow by his ears. I know he hides around the corner and waits

for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at

a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just

been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with

her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for that

snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the miserable

slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood

boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by

asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my

shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an

idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time,

I'm going to scream!

December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was

all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE B***CH

is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof

or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How

dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for

a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more

inches of snow predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more

shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills

they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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