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My new poem. what do you think?
A ransom has been paid, so this poem is "extra."
What can I take?
Thre's no TV ad
to help my heart
stop feeling bad
If I could find
one little pill
would meds relieve
my loving mill?
The turning gears
keep creating lines
for my angel
from ripened vines
But is my will
to love her too strong?
No pill? Give one
more dose of song.
I've been writing poems for more than twenty years.... my method has ALWAYS been to be perfect before a word goes on paper. but with this one, because I constrained myself with syllables and tried to make it as absolutely short as possible, the page is full of cross-outs and revisions.... and I'm still not sure that the two ideas are separate and convergent.... thanks for your input.
Kurt
6 Answers
- AnalystLv 71 decade agoFavorite Answer
I don't mind and don't bother about the technical stuff, I like this poem very much. Especially that the pill, the medicine for love consists in 'one more dose of song.'
I'd like to see more poems by you.
P.S. I like your new username!
- 1 decade ago
I like to write as well and its awesome tool to clear your head, your best work is done when you write honestly from the heart and you don't try to edit what comes to mind, as you say go with the flow, I think that you need to get a picture of the person that you are writing about think about how you feel about that person put your mind in your stomach, and you will find that you will be able to sit and re write or go over what you aren't happy with. I like it intense love and when it finishes there is nothing that really helps you get over it like time. It might not have answered your question but i thought it was good.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
It's pretty good,for a drug addict.
I cant see any emotion.It's modern poetry,i know,but that doesnt mean that you can be so.....absent.
I know that sometimes strong emotions just wount come down on paper,and this is probably the case.
Work on it some more....
Good luck!
And ,just so you know,i'm a FC Steaua fan tooo!!!!
- 1 decade ago
I like it!! Would change "meds" to "it" . An alternative ending could be
No pill-save one
a dose of nostalgic song
- HEARTBOUND♥Lv 41 decade ago
to me the best poetry is the kind that is not perfect but it means something to you. i like it cause even though it is short it gets right to the point.
