Who is expected to Care for Grandma now she is frail?

I am currently regularly taking care of my mother during her prolonged illness and treatment, spending at least one day a week at the oncology center with her. (I also took a semester off of school to take care of my sister's kids while she was having difficulties after leaving a bad marriage.) I don't know what's expected, but in my family my sister cannot be relied upon for anything... except drama.

I love my mother and it is no "obligation", but I would expect that caring for the elderly, especially one's mother, was a matter of honor for a man.

Unfortunately, in our society no one is "expected" to care for their elderly parents/grandparents. It is all too common to simply dump them in a nursing home somewhere and forget about them. They might take some time out of their busy schedule to graciously visit once or twice a year. If they're really devoted maybe 3 or 4 times.

In our family, I kind of became the caregiver for my elderly grandmother by default. My mother passed away in my brothers and I (I was the only girl) were young and Dad's parents helped him raise us. It helped that we lived next door to each other. Then, when Grandpa passed away, I was a teenager and more or less moved in with Grandma because she wasn't comfortable being alone at night in the house. We eventually had to put her in a nursing home because I was working full-time and she had developed congestive heart failure and couldn't be left alone at all for more than a few minutes at a time. Dad had retired in the meantime and helped out a lot, but even between the two of us it was impossible to take care of her at home anymore. She was in the nursing home only 7 days and died of a heart attack. I think everyone in the family regrets a lot that we put her through that. She'd been getting steadily worse for months/years even and though the doctor said it could happen any time I think we all kind of expected that it would be a long road ahead yet that we just weren't qualified to handle on our own.

Depends on the family, but often women are expected to care for elderly parents. My boyfriend was unmarried, so he was expected to move back home and care for both of his parents until their deaths. In my family, I'm the black sheep, so my brothers will be taking care of my parents if they need any care (plus they both live in the same state), but I'll be glad to contribute financially. One best friend is one of three sisters, but she is taking care her mother, since the other two can't stand to talk to their mother, since she's so "annoying". My other best friend is taking care of her mother, even though one brother practically lives next door to her, because that's "what women do". Another good buddy helped her dad move near her, and cares for both her mom and dad, since her brothers are "too busy". Now that I'm thinking about it, mainly women are taking care of their elderly parents.

Here is my personal experience - my paternal grandmother and her son (my father).

In roughly 20 years time, from the time she became ill due to diabetes, arthirtis, heart problems, myasthenia gravis (look it up) till her death in 2006 from a stroke, my father did everything he could to look after her, basically giving up his own personal life.

He took her to the doctors, looked after her medicine, took care of her when she was bedridden, went to see her twice a day when she was in the hospital, carried her around to hospitals when the area wasn't wheelchair accessible.

He is now in his 70s. An old man still having to look after his elderly mother from the age of 50 to 70. He hasn't taken a holiday for these 20 years, gone overseas or had a day to himself.

Now that she has passed away, he is finally daring to go to Hong Kong.

I really look up to his patience and dedication and I hope that I can be an equally good daughter to him when he is elderly.

Traditionally, her daughter.. if she had one (or two). This question is actually more adapted to your mother (or father) to care for their own parent... as it's RARE for a grandchild to take on this responsibility.. but, that CAN happen, especially with the elderly living longer (and a 30, 40-something could take on the care of an older relative, if they wanted to sacrifice some of their time, privacy). What I've seen, all my life -- is that the oldest daughter usually takes the leadership role. That's not always the case, of course, especially if a younger daughter is more apt, caring, aggressive or hands-on... sometimes, there's MORE to this that you realize.. because they are actually also (sad to see it, but I HAVE certainly..) jostling & maneuvering for control of her Will and Assets... I've seen sisters torn apart, over this... it's a fact of life that many, many people let money rule. Especially in NYC, where a $20k home bought in the 1950's -- is now worth $2 million and BETTER... and the 60-ish yr old children (that may have not, but rarely, even visited their mother over decades, because they 'hate the city' after moving to the Long Island suburbs..) now, actually make PLANS to spend, sell, and in fact try to move the mom to Nursing Homes, etc. by hiding assets -- and getting the $$$, without needing to care for the parent. I've seen this 20-25x at least...

Sons are USUALLY more irresponsible, self-centered and careless..and daughter-in-laws usually have their hands full, with their OWN parents' situations... (fact, again). It's rare for a man to reach-out and take in a mother, etc.

It falls to the daughters, granddaughters.. or, the elderly fend for them themselves, enter a situation where they depend on others, funding, organizations... and are isolated, in any case.

Their children first, and the next nears and dears.

My paternal grandmother is losing her memory, so my dad, his brothers, and their father are caring for him. If the same happened to my maternal grandmother, my mom and me would take care of her.

Women still do the bulk of elder care with elderly relatives at home, just as they still do the bulk of child care.

I took care of both my parents. It would seem that this is viewed by our western society as being another role that women take on.

Men can claim that they are equally involved with their parents but in my twenty years of working in the medical profession I have seen very few examples of this.

"Women still do the bulk of elder care with elderly relatives at home, just as they still do the bulk of child care."

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I am woman, hear me whine...