DESPERATLY SEEKING POSITIVE AND NEGAITIVE FEEDBACK. 15, female, unexperienced song writer/poet. tell me what..

When I speak it out loud the meter of the different lines is really choppy. Too many words, needs a good trim. An example,: "You balanced it and then you tripped" could be trimmed to,: You balanced then tripped, to fit into the flow of the two proceeding lines. Some of your metaphors don't make any sense in general or to the premise your poem is based on. An example,: "You remind me of a tiger, sweet and loyal and then you turn.", is hard to digest. You're brave to ask for and accept honest critique, that shows real character. You have a good idea for a poem and some of the stuff in the raw ore of the thing is excellent. An example,: "I opened my heart, and you threw it in ashes." and,"Your currently dead, your gone to me now." are topper! Sure they need to be grammatically corrected and spelt properly but it's there, the good bits. Polish it up and trim it down.

Stay groovy!

It's not so bad that you should go die. Rest your mind at ease. ;-)

Now I'll do my best to come up with everything I don't like about it. They're not all necessarily important things; just things that could be improved.

1) Proper spelling/punctuation would be nice.

2)"You're currently dead": currently is a funny word there: a bit too clinical, and unnecessary anyway. If "you're dead" says the exact same thing as "you're currently dead", that shows that the only reason you have the word there is to help you with the meter. The technical term for a word like that is "cheville". It's not a good thing.

3)"I open my window and sway from the cold breeze": extra syllable in there; breaks up the rhythm. Same for the next line.

4)"I see you from planets... of the unseen": from? Does that mean you are there or the dead person is there? "From" sounds like it is you on the unseen planets.

5)I suppose you wanted the contradiction of "I see you from...the unseen", but there's a fine line between poetic ambiguity and suggestiveness and just contradicting yourself. I think you're getting close to that line. Maybe you could be a little subtler

...

well, it's going to take me too long to continue this, and for all I know you are not interested anyway. I don't understand the whole poem, by the way. E.g. "you shadowed me windy"? I don't understand that. Lot of good bits in here, though. I think it has some potential.

Lose the "currently dead" bit, though, whatever else you do.

I like it, but it needs work. This poem about heart break and loss is written in the first and second person. Try writing it in the third person more as an exercise to further explore your feelings.

Every line in a poem should be a simple sentence.

Poems have structure. They are written in meter and have a rhyme scheme.

You shadowed me. Windy, I went beneath it.

u / u / / u / / u / u

Iambic meter is an unaccented syllable (u) followed by an accented syllable (/)

Pentameter is the number of feet in a line. Pentameter means five.

Shakespeare wrote in iambic pentameter because it was easy for his actors to remember on stage.

A real good book to buy and study is The Complete Rhyming Dictionary / Revised. Edited by Clement Wood

The introduction is fabulous.

Write me if you have a problem.

To people who can spell, like myself you present a poor image since we immediately pass judgement upon you.

Why don't you use the Check Spelling facility over the box you are writing in?

Desperately, negative

the word is inexperienced not unexperienced

Your is you're

You have some good ideas, and some good lines but these are discredited by lines like....

I see you from planets and oceans of the unseen - which means absolutely nothing.

it's to - should be it's too

You balanced it - what?

What on earth does 'you shadowed me windy' mean? Is it some new slang expression?

I went underneath it....what?

layed - should be laid - your layed refers to what chickens do

and so on.

Underneath all this there is a real poet trying to say something, give her a hand. Try to edit what you do before showing it around.

I think its good! You should make a chorus though and put it in there too, then ppl will see more of a song. I think it would sound better as a song then a poem!

Good work!

You need work on meter and the way it flows.

But, to me, my poetry was never written to please people. Never written for sour people to judge me on things I can't spell correctly.

It's all about healing yourself and letting things go on paper.

If writing makes you feel better, never quit doing it. Regardless of what others think.

too much verbiage for a memorable song