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I'm entering a writing competition (its not major) What do you think?
The moon slowly rose above the horizon, revealing a dark shape slinking through the trees toward the dreaming village. Crickets chirped, and small nocturnal animals ran the lenghth of the ground. As loud as a whisper, he crawled through the dense brush, taking care not to make any sound. Slowly, confidently, he rose to a crouch, just beyond the edge of the forest. Peering down into the village, past the veil of darkness, he saw lights brighten as the dark of night descended upon it. The people of Perun were going to sleep. He drew his trustworthy blade, crafted from the finest steel, sharp enough to split the most durable of items, waiting for the sweet ecstacy of revenge.
Years ago, his father lived in this village. He worked hard, building buildings and crafting wooden items for his pay, but was interested in things he shouldn't of been. A necromancer had came to him in his sleep, asking if he wanted to learn the art. He ablidged and became quite prevalent. But the people of
of Perun didn't like it. They ran after him, trying to kill him for his necromantic ways. He ran admirably, but he couldn't escape their wrath. He fell to their blades, after begging for mercy. After his death, they found his son in their house. His son was taken by an old man, a man named Thomas. Thomas had lived for 6 decades or better, battle-hardened and faithful to his god, and was considered the highest authority on the god's. He took the boy in, taught him his letters and the art of a blade. The boy was smart, very smart and Thomas hoped one day he would become a priest of their god, Jerar. But, he didn't realize that the boy had
seen his dad killed. He didn't realize that the boy swore to get revenge for his father.
Shaking himself from thoughts of the past, he ducked down. He had heard something coming from behind. He rolled to his left, twirled around, and caught the sight of his enemy. A young man with a bow, strung with an arrow, stood before him. He pondered if he sh
should leave the boy be, or kill this pathetic human. The man in black saw the boy was only frightened, and couldn't distinguish why a man was in the forest so late at night. The man in black didn't let him have a chance. He rushed forward, putting all his force into his speed and upcoming attack. He slashed with his blade in three different places, before stopping. The young man, bleeding from his neck, chest, and arm fell to the ground, in a pool of his own blood. The assassin wiped the blood off his blade on the fool's cloak, and returned to his postion.
I should of let him live, he thought. He was just a boy, barely a year older than I was when I was taken from my father. But, war demanded sacrifices, and he would do whatever he could
It should be light in a few hours, he thought. He would have to strike before the full light of day descended upon him. He began striding towards the outskirts of town. He would have his revenge.
Charles awoke from a disturbing dream. He never had
or if he did they were always pleasant. But not this one. He got out of bed, put on his tan pants and green wool shirt. He knelt down by the side of his bed for the morning prayers. After his prayers, he went to the kitchen, trying to find something to eat. Turning to his left, he found a couple strips of deer meat on the counter, salted heavily the night before. He grapped the meat, found a glass of milk, and sat down at the table. He tore into the meat with a vengeance. After finally finishing his meal, he walked outside. By the looks of things, it was around midpeak of the moon. He walked around to the back of his house to grab his woodcutting axe. It was chilly, and he knew the snows would soon becoming in. He heard a twig break, and he twirled around.
"Damn it, Charles. I was tryin to suprise ye. What are you doing with that god-forbidden axe anyway. Its not even daylight yet.You can't cut down a tree in the dark.
"How much copper do you want to place on that bet?"
By the seriousness in his voice, he could tell Charles was angry about something. He let it go at that, beginning to walk back to his hut. Then they heard the screams.
The assassin, under cover of darkness, crept up to the border of the village. He saw one makeshift guard, one that could easily be dispatched with one quick throw. He surveyed the area, and found nobody on this edge of town. He crawled around the edge of a building, snuck behind the guard, and plunged his dagger into his back, while covering his mouth. He laid the guard down and then pulled his body behind the nearest building, and began to walk towards the nearest house. He picked the door, discerned where the family slept, mostly based on snores, and climbed upstairs. First the children fell into the darkness of death, and then the parents. However, the children had
heard him before he got there, and had screamed. That didn't prove helpful. He rushed for the parents kill, before they became too organized, than ju
jumped off their balcony. Rolling to absorb the impact, he drew his long scimitar from its sheath. He saw two men charging towards him with fear and anger clouding their eyes. The assassin rushed out to meet the two charging men. Both had woodcutting axes, no match for his weapons. He pulled a dagger out of his boot, threw it into one of the men's chest, and swung his blade to parry an attack in one swift movement. The man overhand chopped the assassin, but he was two slow. The assassin parried the blow with his scimitar, twisted in a semi-circle, bringing his scimitar to bear. He thrusted his blade at the man's stomach, but the man blocked it. The man hammered time and time again trying to crush the assassin under his axe and his strength. Each time, the assassin found someway to counteract, and eventually outmanuevered him. He kicked the man in the groin, slit the man's throat, plunged a dagger into the stomach, and walked towards the rest
of the houses. In ten minutes, he felled two of the best fighters of the town.
It isn't complete but I wanted to get your opinions. Thank you.
Copyright 2008 Chad Lamb
March 12, 2008
9 Answers
- xx_villainess_xxLv 71 decade agoFavorite Answer
I liked what you had to share. It certainly held my attention and kept me in suspense, which is an important element in writing stories. You don't want your reader to become bored with whatever he/she is reading to the point they either skip around or only read the first couple of paragraphs. If they get that far. But I don't see that as being a problem with what you have shared thus far.
I definitely believe this story has the potential to be good and suspenseful. However, like others have said, make sure you edit it before submitting it. Believe it or not, in competitions such as this (whether minor or major), spelling and grammatical errors can play a large role in how your story is viewed; it can detract the merit of a story, even if the subject and the matter in which it is conveyed is absolutely amazing. You want it to be apparent that you took the time and effort in giving this story your all.
Also, you may want to consider what words you use and how you use them. Not that I see any major flaws, but just keep that in mind with the rest of your story. As has already been mentioned, watch your use of adjectives. In this case, more does not necessarily equal better. If you use the RIGHT adjective, additional adjectives are not necessary. A thesaurus can help with finding the right word(s), but don't get carried away. Sometimes it's pretty obvious when someone has consulted a dictionary or thesaurus for a word. I've seen many people choose a particular word in the hopes of appearing more eloquent or articulate [read: "smarter"] when the rest of the story/poem/whatever is lacking in that same eloquence and articulacy. For instance, someone writing a very simplistic poem, and then using a word that you just know that person is not at all familiar with--much less is able to spell--as evident by the words that were previously used. Don't use words, particularly adjectives, just for the sake of using them. Use them as long as they are relevant to the piece you are writing, and make sure they flow smoothly and have that right "feel" to them. Don’t bore your reader with verbose descriptives.
Watch your punctuation. Too much punctuation can be just as bad as too little punctuation. Know when to use a comma or a semicolon, know when to end a sentence before it becomes a run-on, and know when to add a conjunction to prevent comma splices. Also, make sure to use paragraphs to separate points or details.
Here are some suggestions that I would like to make. I'll cite what you gave, then offer my own suggestion (*). Just keep in mind that these are only suggestions and it is solely up to you on whether you would like to make any changes or not.
"As loud as a whisper, he crawled through the dense brush, taking care not to make any sound."
* "As loud as a whisper" is a good simile, but it sounds too much like a forced oxymoron. My suggestion is changing it to: "as audible as a whisper."
"...but was interested in things he shouldn't of been."
* This should read: "...but was interested in things he shouldn't HAVE been." The word "of" is a preposition and is often mistakenly used in place of the word "have", which is a linking verb. A lot of people are guilty of this!
"He ablidged and became quite prevalent."
*Change "ablidged" to "obliged". And you may want to consider your usage of the word "obliged". Obliged usually refers to an obligation. You may want to look for synonyms for "agreed".
“His son was taken by an old man, a man named Thomas. Thomas had lived for 6 decades or better, battle-hardened and faithful to his god, and was considered the highest authority on the god's.”
* What about: “His son was taken in by an old man named Thomas.”? The way you have phrased it is a bit redundant by adding an additional “a man”. Also, when using numbers, an important rule that you will find in most “writing manuals” is to spell out any numbers that are less than 10. It is okay to use figures for those numbers that are 10 and higher—i.e., 6 would be six, but 16 would remain 16.
" But, he didn't realize that the boy had seen his dad killed. He didn't realize that the boy swore to get revenge for his father."
*What about: "But, he didn’t realize that the boy had witnessed his father’s death. He didn't realize that the boy swore to avenge his father's death"? Keep the reference of a paternal figure consistent; either use “dad” or “father”, but not both. The latter sounds better, as “dad” is informal.
"He pondered if he should leave the boy be, or kill this pathetic human."
* The word "this" is a demonstrative pronoun. You are not trying to distinguish this character from another one (this or that), because the reader knows (or should know) which character is in question. So consider using "the" instead.
"I should of let him live, he thought."
*Again, "of" should be "have". A common mistake, though, so no worries. But I would like to make a suggestion to you. When a character you are writing is thinking, consider italicizing it. This is a method often used in novels to distinguish a character's thought process from normal speech (even if there are no quotation marks to indicate speech.)
"Charles awoke from a disturbing dream. He never had...or if he did they were always pleasant."
* There seems to be something missing here.
"Damn it, Charles. I was tryin to suprise ye. What are you doing with that god-forbidden axe anyway. Its not even daylight yet.You can't cut down a tree in the dark.
"How much copper do you want to place on that bet?"
*First of all, you need to make your character’s dialogue a little more clear; define where one character’s speech ends, and the next one’s begins. Secondly, which is most important with this piece of your story, is the dialect or dialectal accent of your characters. With the use of “ye” it sounds like you are trying to give this specific character an Irish brogue (forgive me if I’m mistaken) and if you are to use a dialectal accent you must be as consistent as possible. You can’t start with the second-person personal pronoun “ye” and then slip up and use “you” instead. If this person were truly a real person and truly of Irish (or whatever) descent, this is not a slip-up that would occur in his speech.
"He picked the door, discerned where the family slept, mostly based on snores, and climbed upstairs."
* The part "...mostly based on snores..." is an interpolation. It is an idea that you are introducing to the reader, to clarify how the assassin was able to discern where the family slept. This is information that you would normally contain within parentheses (like a hint) or introduce with a colon. I suggest the use of what is called the em dash/m dash. So it would read, "He picked the door, discerned where the family slept--mostly based on snores--and climbed upstairs."
"Both had woodcutting axes, no match for his weapons."
* Consider using a semicolon rather than a comma to link these two independent clauses. For this sentence to be grammatically correct WITHOUT a semicolon, you would need a coordinating conjunction--but, and, or, nor, yet, so--to link these two independent clauses, or they would have to be separated. If separated by only a comma, this sentence becomes a comma splice. A VERY common mistake.
“Each time, the assassin found someway to counteract, and eventually outmaneuvered him.”
* “Someway” should be two separate words. “Outmanuevered” should be spelled: outmaneuvered.
These are some things that stuck out to me. Please don't feel as though I'm coming down too hard on you; I would just like to offer you some constructive criticism as a writer myself. In addition, while I am far from perfect in English myself, I did spend MANY years as a student majoring in English and similar courses. If you would like any further help, please feel free to let me know.
Source(s): A writer and poet for 16+ years, MANY years of English and creative writing courses, three years of journalism, and a few years of proofreading and copy editing. - 1 decade ago
Write LESS.
It is good, but I think you are describing toooo much. It kinda makes me wonder what are we reading about... the night or the character?
Try something like this:
---------------------
Moving silently through the dark of night, John crept through the woods toward the village below. It was a dark night, with the moon peaking over the hilltops, its light not quite penetrating the tops of the trees, sending the forest into darkness. Only the sound of crickets and small nocturnal animals could be heard above the whisper of his movements across the leaves.
At last he could see his target - the village of Perun, home of the necromancer who killed his father a few years ago.
--------------------------
Okay, so maybe not EXACTLY like that... but you will actually say more by describing less. Tell me more about the character.
Also- give us his name from the start. We want to be on his side... and in the beginning we don't know if he is our hero... or a villian.
And - just something to think about --- names. "Perun". It sounds like something a small child does when they are in a hurry to use the bathroom. I made the mistake of writing names like that in the past - only to have someone say them aloud and realize that they sounded horrible! For example:
In a story I was working on, I had a company named: Eiceblue
Sounded cool! High Tech Firm..... Lots of glam and glitter. Until someone else said it and we all heard "I Splew". It sounded like they were talking about throwing up!
Other than that - keep writing!!! It sounds to me like you are working on what we call our "Zero draft". Write it all, (and don't look at it while you write... just write...) then go back AFTER you are done with the whole thing. That is when you get to write your "1st draft", and revise things to make it all flow better. The "2nd draft" should be the one you are ready to send off. By then you've worked out all the typo's and kinks and stuff.
Keep it going though! You've already got a fan club!!!
Source(s): Experience - 1 decade ago
You write very well ^.^.
Kudos to you on you use of imagery. Simple, yet addictive.
*smirks*
Try to stay away from the common adjectives though. (You did not do it that much.)
Anywho, I would edit it. There are a few parts where the sentences are choppy. (Particularly where you change scenery.)
Anywho, you have definite potentional of winning.
Source(s): Previous writing contests. - 1 decade ago
I like it!
Make sure to edit it before you submit it because it needs a little work. No offense or anything.
Good Luck!!!!!
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- Anonymous1 decade ago
i think so far its pretty good. i mean id like to read the ending...but dont give up youve got something great coming along. great details =)
- 1 decade ago
whoo hoo!, that will win for sure!, I love these fantasy stories with magic and stuff.
