My 3.5 year old is VERY disrespectful...help!?

Please look into "Unconditional Parenting" a concept promoted by Alfie Kohn. He has a very compelling DVD available from Amazon.com. Also, please try to find time to check out his website and always ask yourself, how important is it if a child says no. My experience is a parent’s job is to keep their cool until their child can keep his or hers, and no one will ever convince me very young children enjoy being this frustrated and angry.

First off, timeouts are simply wrong. Putting a child in timeout is the most common, single worst bit of parenting advice you will ever get, other than hitting your child. The problems many parents have in their relationship with their child are the fallout of timeout. The proof timeout doesn't work is all over these boards. Why is it whenever a parent posts a question saying timeout is not working the most common answer is more timeout or “give ‘em a swat”. When this doesn’t work, what's next lock them in their room hating you longer or hit them harder.

Putting a child in timeout gives the appearance your love is conditional, after you calm down then I will give you a hug. It is very important to understand that children at this age have a very limited ability to communicate, this along with undeveloped impulse control means their only way of responding, when faced with what they see as unreasonable requests, is to scream and cry. Then instead of listening, parents shut their kids in their rooms alone. Likewise, ignoring children only teaches them you don't care about how they feel. I would give up trying to communicate too if everyone ignored me. Remember, our children are not "throwing tantrums" they are simply extremely frustrated trying to communicate with people who do not seem to understand them. An older child or adult, faced with the way we expect children to shut up and do what they are told, would simply say no and walk away laughing. Also, why does everyone say they are just looking for attention and then say the best thing to do is ignore them?

Hear are some suggestions other than timeout from Mr. Kohn's DVD.

1. Reconsider your request. Ask yourself what am I asking my child to do.

2. Put the relationship first. Is this really worth risking your relationship over?

3. The love has to be unconditional. This means do not use your love as a weapon or reward. In fact, Alfie also has a book titled "Punished by Rewards".

4. Imagine how kids see things. This is extremely hard to do. It is hard enough to put ourselves in the shoes of another adult.

5. Be authentic. This fosters trust. Don't be afraid to admit your mistakes and apologize. Everything we do impacts our relationship. Ask yourself is this going to squander or reinforce my child's trust in me.

6. Talk less ask more. Then listen to your child. They usually have a reason for their responses, just as adults do.

7. Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts. Children at this age are not manipulative. Being manipulative is a learned response children develop in response to unreasonable parents.

8. Try to say yes when you can. Ask yourself why not.

9. Don't be rigid. Don't be afraid to change your mind after listening to your child's opinion.

10. Let the child decide. In all matters try to find a way to let them come to their own decision without the threat of punishment or reward.

I like to tell people, anyone who says you can’t blame your parents for all your problems never met my mother.

3 Year Old Disrespectful Behavior

Well I don't know if your daughter is ever around kids but it may help for her to see how other kids behave.

what we do at the daycare (where I work)... we had a 3 year old that was being horrible, hitting, kicking, punching, everything...first we tried a timeout at the table, so he could still see the kids play but that didn't work too much... then we tried the end of the hallway, where he would still be able to hear but barely able to see the rest of the children and he slowly started getting better.. but third time he acted up, we'd send him to the back room (there's just a couch & ceiling lamp) in there and he'd have to sit there by himself with the door shut.. he could throw his tantrum in there and then we'd let him out at whatever time we felt was good - usually he'd go in there for 5 minutes just for the first time he went back, and any additional time he went back, the time was extended by 5 minutes.. everyday we'd go through this cycle - table, hall, backroom, 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes... etc... eventually he kind of snapped out of it...

awhile ago though we had another toddler who would throw tantrums no matter what, with him, we just walked away and once we stopped giving him attention for it he stopped.

Well I suggest that you take the food away when she throws it on the floor and place her in time out. Tell her she can eat when she doesn't throw it on the floor. I remember once an Aunt who had a son that did this. She strip his room bare of all toys and only had a bed and he had to earn them back. If he threw fits or food, he would go back to the room. My Aunt would sit in the door and let him throw his fit while she read a book. (She did this to make sure he didn't hurt himself) It took a couple of days but he started catching on and started minding. Then she put the reward system in place and it all work out. He is a judge now

The MOST important thing is to set good examples. Act the way you'd like your child to act. Your child will mirror many behaviors that you or your husband do. If she thinks she can get away with bad behavior, she'll sure try to! If she chooses to act badly whenever you leave the room, only pretend to leave the room, let her have the fit, and then surprise her with a scolding. Your child may be acting this way because she feels like she doesn't get enough one on one time with just she and one of you. Plan some special things to do just you and her. Tell her you can continue doing special things if she'll keep up her good behavior. Use rewards for incentive. Don't reward them until after they've proven that they can repeatedly display positive behavior! Don't use negative reinforcement because she'll use the negative attention as positive incentive. Negative attention is better than no attention in her opinion. Use secondary reinforcers only whenever your child has worked hard to earn your praise. Ignore them completely when they act up. If they have a temper tantrum send them to their room and tell them to talk to you when they can be respectful. If she throws her food on the floor make her eat by herself. Or take away her dessert. If she yells whisper to her. It is proven to get the child to stop yelling, and in fact they're likely to start whispering. Also try counting to three(as with any punishment it's a must to keep firm eye contact!). Give her a warning and say, "Ok, that's one time!" (show her one finger. Maybe shake it at her.) Next time she acts up give her another warning and tell her you'll punish her, unless she straightens up and doesn't do it again; tell her that's two (hold up two fingers. you might wave them around just to emphasize. I hated it when my mom wiggled hers for some reason! lol). And if she continues to act up punish her. These are all things I have learned in my college psychology class and my teacher is a trained psychologist. There's no doubt in my mind that she likes the negative attention. Good luck!

As for spanking...don't do that all the time but only whenever her behavior is very bad and definitely warrants a swat! You don't want to scare her, rather your goal is to get her attention in focus and spark some respect. Be firm enough so that it only stings a little. A good scare will put her back in line. And don't just threaten to spank her! Do it! My parents did it to me and after that I'd sure straighten my act up! lol

Judging from your side note you could stand to take your child to a psychologist. Sit in the room with them and explain how she acts. Allow them to examine her behaviors and the interactions that occur between you all. Psychologists are an invaluable source of information and help! Or you could try calling the nanny 911 show! lol j/k!

I AM NOT ALONE! Mine does the SAME thing. I have tried everything. I have noticed that letting him outside for fresh air and to be a "boy" helps a little. Cutting out sugar helps, too. But most of all I used a method called 1-2-3 Magic. It works and I had results in a few days. Its like having your power back! It will take a few times before she realizes what happens. I would explain to her at first. "When I get to three I spank/give time out/take your toy away/or whatever you do." Here is a good explaination I found from a website:

Here is how it works:

Age group(s) for which this technique is helpful:

Preschool and Younger

Elementary School

Middle School

High School & Beyond

Primarily used to improve behavior:

Both At Home and At School

Instructions for using this technique:

The first time a child misbehaves:

Make full eye contact with your child (point your pointer finger in the position as of gestering the number one), and say, "That's one!" If your child repeats the very same behavior, point your index and mid finger in the position as of gestering the number two position, and say, "That's two!" If the child does the very same behavior for the third time, say, "That's three!", then follow through with an appropriate punishment.

Do not allow your child to argue with you while your using this type of method. If the child begins to argue, go on to the next number. Here's an example:

Johnny: "Mommy, I want that candy bar."

Mom: "No, you cannot have that candy bar because it is almost dinner time."

Johnny: "Pleeeeease, pleeeeease, pleeeeease. I have to have that candy bar!"

Mom: "That's one!"

Johnny: "But mom, that's not fair!"

Mom: "That's two!"

Johnny: "Fine! If you won't let me have that candy bar, then I'll sneak it when you're not looking!"

Mom: That's three!"

Punishment, then, follows.

Appropriate Punishments:

Groundings: no bike, no spending the night at their friends house, no internet "play time", etc.

Loss if of priviledges: no TV, video games, phone, or extra curricular activities, etc.

Time-Out: standing in the corner, sitting on a chair, etc.

Other information parents should consider before using this technique:

I learned this technique by watching the 1-2-3 Magic video. My ADD/ADHD support group coordinator suggested this approach. You can find either the book or the video at your local library. If your library doesn't carry them, ask for a request for these items. At the time my two sons were very young. I was very skeptical about something that sounded too easy to do, that is considered extremely effective. Desperate, I decided to try it out. That was over ten years ago, and today I continue to use this technique. In fact, I've passed it down to all the parents, and use the same method for all of my daycare children. This method can be effective with any child ADD/ADHD or not. But, don't forget, the keyword is strict consistency. And, one more thing, NEVER forget to praise your child for his good behavior, not constantly scorn him/her for their bad behavior. Offer rewards and stick to them.

EDIT:

Also when you are counting you have to remain calm. Do not give her ANY reaction. Toddlers like to make a scene...to know that they can DO/CAUSE something. For instance, they LOVE throwing stones into a lake or splashing in the tub. Because THEY made the splash, they caused it! Now, when you get all upset...THAT is like the big splash to them. They must be something pretty big and special to get an adult all fired up!

I read that in the book. There is a book called 1-2-3 Magic. I suggest buying it. It gives great techniques for START and STOP behavior.

Start='s behavior you want them to start doing

Stop='s behavior you want them to stop doing.

At this age STOP behavior is what you want to practice.

Go to the bookstore and get a good book on discipline. When she behaves badly, just ignore it and tell her our ears don't listen to screaming and that if she wants something she needs to ask nicely. She is used to getting attention through negative behavior. Also, you need to be very firm. When you say no, tell her your reasoning once and then don't react to any whining.

I dont know how to even help here, but I will say dont give up! You gotta lay the law down with that kid or she will be calling you a Bit-- before you know it! Really! Seek pro. help. She's gotta know the parent is always the BOSS! Good Luck!

Keep a routine of discipline dont keep changing it. Stick to the time out all the time and make sure its followed through. and dont give her so much options a no from u is a no from u not her! only give her options like pickin sweets nt what time she goes to bed.

Hope this helps n goodluck

if she says "NO" you HAVE to make her do it all the same...

have you tried spanking?? seriously.. spanking was invented because it works...

a 3yr old doesnt understand time outs or no TV.. (heck a 3yr old shouldnt be watching more than 1 hour TV a day anyhow.. )

read this link

http://www.gomestic.com/Family/How-to-Raise-a-Good...

it is not about spanking - but offers some other ideas..

but your kid would benefit by a spank - a "wake up" call.. right now she knows she is the boss