Poetry people, are you awake tonight?

Hi Linz,

I've got a feeling about this one. Whenever I've tried to really peel back a painful situation that was too close to me still my writing has been blocked in some way. I don't think you should junk this at all. My global comment is just that while this will develop into a good poem it may not turn out to be the poem you thought it was...that may come later.

I'm going to give you a few general notes now--as always keep what you like throw out the rest--this is more to help reflection and work on ideas than giving line notes.

Here's the big comment:

The poem starts on:

There was a starless night...

The second part of the poem is so much better, so much more vivid than the first, that it makes me want to lead with it, and then if necessary move into the first stanza later.

A few punctuation notes for the second strophe (I'm attempting to signal more how I'm reading it out loud--not say whether it's grammatically correct or not).

S2 L4: I would kill the comma after "me"

S2 L5: I would kill the period after "growing"

S2 L6: I would replace the comma with a dash after "In me"

The reason I would make those changes is that I don't want the pause on either side of "growing". I think the line works better with a more true enjambment--the layering you've done between those three lines is good and I feel the punctuation takes away some of the effect.

That's it for Strophe 2. It is a compact, charged strong piece. Oh, and I don't think you really need "the prayer" I understand what you are doing, it's a purely artistic choice. I am not saying that it is wrong just that I don't think you need it based on how you've written the strophe...I won't be offended if you disagree. : )

Moving backwards let's consider the other part:

I want to see a stronger opening line from you if you keep this order. Compare:

I could vaguely feel myself

to

There was a starless night

I don't need to go on with that point, I know you can feel the difference. The second is so much more declaritive. I know that you are trying to give that quessy feeling at "the almost end". It needs more punch though.

Maybe instead:

I could feel myself drowning

By pulling that word up and removing the qualifier vaguely...it gets a little stronger (I would still like this to be your second strophe not the first).

In this case, I'm not sure "Hope" works for you. I think you may be trying to fill in the subtext to closely for the reader and need to remove some of your transitions, enhance the mystery, and thus build more tension. You could rearrange in this way (a few quick edit suggestions--it's easier to show it this way, not the end-all-be-all of what you should do):

L1: Cut "vaguely" bring "drowned" up.

L2: This is strong.

L3: Cut "hope"

L4: Cut "too"

L5: This is good.

L6: Cut "while" (rely on the other "while" in L7).

L7: Cut "and". Also consider cutting "and tired". "sorrow-soaked" gets it done for me.

L8: This line is a bit too pedestrian for you. Find something less static that can hit the reader harder.

L9: Be careful not to change tenses here. Cut "was" keep the immediacy.

L10: Change "disappointment" to some sensory, concrete example. It is too abstract to give you emotional punch.

L11: I would like "fear" to be a little more sensory and concrete as well.

Oh, I love the title: "the almost end"

So, Linz I think you can see I like it. It will get there. I hope some of this is helpful to you.

Good to see your work again.

Best,

Todd

"hope."

Unless you're trying for some artistic effect, the H in hope should be capitalized since it is the start of a new line. This problem appears throughout the poem.

"Panic, after I refused its help, too,"

The end of this line (too,) could do without the comma because it chops the line up and the pieces of the phrase get separated.

"bid me farewell long ago,"

The comma after 'ago' can be yanked for the same reason as above.

"that it was too hard to care."

The period thows this. Either turn it to a comma or get rid of it entirely.

"I begged it out of me."

That's kid of a sad line, it sounds like you're trying to throw it away and get rid of it.

As far as commas go it seems that you're cooma happy and like to throw them in whenever you take a breath while thinking or writing, causing a general overload of the little mark. The rule of thumb is "when in doubt do without." If it doesn't absolutely have to be there then your sentence or line is probably better off without it.

The whole mood of these two poems is sad with a taste of regret to them. My favorite lines are "There was a starless night, / frigid, foggy, drunk" It creates some cool imagery and helps to set the mood for the other lines.

I like it a lot.

I would change the tense of pupil from singular to plural

In the line about panic I believe "its" is "it's"

And I'm not sure if the word panic is the word you need here b/c you refused the help of panic and that's a good thing but here i think you are looking for something positive that you refused. for example, hope is bleeding out of you. So maybe Peace or tranquility or love could be here.Insomnia isn't usually a distraction, I think sleep or dreams would be the distraction. And when you say your heart is clenched in his swollen fist you don't say who's swollen fist. Don't necessarily listen to me - just consider it and do what your heart tells you. There is a lot in that poem and I really like it.

He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes Started making his way past two in the morning He hasn't been sober for days Leaning now into the breeze Remembering Sunday, he falls to his knees They had breakfast together But two eggs don't last Like the feeling of what he needs Now this place seems familiar to him She pulled on his hand with a devilish grin She led him upstairs, she led him upstairs Left him dying to get in Forgive me, I'm trying to find My calling, I'm calling at night I don't mean to be a bother, But have you seen this girl? She's been running through my dreams And it's driving me crazy, it seems I'm gonna ask her to marry me Even though she doesn't believe in love, He's determined to call her bluff Who could deny these butterflies? They're filling his gut Waking the neighbors, unfamiliar faces He pleads, oh he tries But he's only denied Now he's dying to get inside The neighbors said she moved away Funny how it rained all day I didn't think much of it then But it's starting to all make sense Oh, I can see now that all of these clouds Are following me in my desperate endeavor To find my whoever, wherever she may be I'm not coming back I've done something so terrible I'm terrified to speak, But you'd expect that from me I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt Now the rain is just Washing you out of my hair and out of my mind Keeping an eye on the world So many thousands of feet off the ground I'm over you now I'm at home in the clouds Towering over your head

I like the prayer best. It says a lot of what is in the almost end with less words and actually says more because it leaves enough room for the reader to interpret and not to be told. the almost end--tells, the prayer shows if that makes sense to you. hope this helps.

So sad :( I'm sorry you had to go through this and I pray that you are out of that for good!

As for your poem, I like the format and word choice. I actually think that your frequent use of commas and long sentences appropriately paints a picture of seamless thoughts running through your head.

Poetry is such a great way to express emotion, isn't it? Whether it be good or bad... and I think that you conveyed your emotion well in this poem.

what do you think of this?

an almost end

I could vaguely feel myself

drowning in what bled out of me:

I was sorrow soaked and tired

My heart clenched in his swollen fist,

drenched in disappointment

and familiar fear.

i'm not sure about the second part...i think it needs a little more work.

these are just my thoughts...feel free to ignore them...lol

((linz))

edit

just wanted to add that i really like the imagery.

edit

i just want to add...i think that the line

"i could vaguely feel myself

drowning in what bled out of me"

really points out the numbness that you feel in that situation. i thought that it was pretty powerful.

again...just my thoughts

I liked what you wrote. I think I felt what you were trying to convey. But I have Allison Krouse playing in the background.

If the intent is to sell the piece, then listen to the experts above. But if the intent is to bring emotion to an unsophisticated hick, you were successful.

you lost me completely ........

I've been writing poetry for 17 years and I've been published 7 times so I hope that you dont take it bad but it seems as if your trying too hard to make the poems work yet they have no solid base and they are incomplete thoughts.

Just my opinion and if you like them then thats really all that matters.

If Solomon could get that camel through the eye of a needle, then your single grain prayer has hope...Ta Dah!