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What do you think of poem #6?
This is just a short little thing I've been working on, and it still needs a lot of improvement. I feel as if the flow between stanzas is choppy, but I'd like some second opinions. So please, let me know what you think.
Untitled 3
The fire weeping,
Born of sadness.
Tears are raining,
Love is madness.
In emptiness,
This soul devoured.
Naught but death,
Where beauty flowered.
An end this is,
Though grief is pointless.
Peace is found,
By those who know this.
3 Answers
- Anonymous1 decade agoFavorite Answer
I agree that the first lines in S-2 and S-3 tie up the tongue.
In S-2, I think just drop 'In.'
S-3 is a more complicated problem.
"And in the end" works better, but is too cliche'. That line needs to be redone.
Just my opinion.
- neonmanLv 71 decade ago
Love lost, remorse and either resolve to move forward or ending it. Your words have merit, more attention to structure may help. The first stanza uses 4 beats per line. The second has two lines, one with 3 and one with 5 beats. You could also combine lines and make it a free verse such as:
The fire weeping, sadness born
Tears raining, love is madness
You have a good start going, let it rest for a few days and revisit. It is worth the effort though.
- 1 decade ago
show some positive thinking and it should be penetrating to the soul.Always use the words of cheers and not of sorrow.