jokes please?

A Guy with Green Red & Blue colored hair to old man staring at him: "Whats up Oldie, Never done anyhting Wild??" Oldie: "Ya raped a peacock once, wondering if u r my son."

so theres this doctor that did circumcisions.After many years he decides its time to retire.All the circumsicions he did over the years,he saved the foreskins.He took the big garbag full of foreskins to his friend who works at a leather company.He says"Make me something nice out of these foreskins,cuz im retiring." His friend says"Come back in 2 weeks and ill have something nice for you."So he goes in 2 weeks to see what his friend made him.When he shows up 2 weeks later,his friend presents him with 5 nice wallets. He says to his friend"wallets!? Is that all i get after all these years!?" His friend says"Relax my friend.You see its not just ordinary wallets. After you rub them for a while,it becomes a 5 piece luggage set."

A bus stops and 2 men get on with really strong accents. They sit down and

have a conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,

but all of a sudden when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two esses acoma together. I

come once-a-more. Two esses, they comma together again. I

come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You dirty-mouth pigs," yelled the lady

.” In this country . . . we don't speak dirty in

public places about our sex lives. . . "

"Hey, relax lady whats sa-matter for you?," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta

sex?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

The head pharmacist goes out to lunch leaving the assistant pharmacist in charge.When the head pharmacist returns from lunch he notices a man leaning against the wall.He asked the assistant what was wrong with the man leaning against the wall over there.The assistant pharmacist says,"Oh that guy.Oh yeah he came in a little while ago with a really bad cough so I sold him a laxative.He seems to be doing ok now..... I guess." The head pharmacist says,"Are you crazy?? You can't sell a laxative to someone who has a bad cough like that!?" The assistant pharmacist says "Well why not?? Look at him over there! Its working! He's too scared to cough now!!....."

CLASSIFIEDS

These four classified ads appeared in a newspaper on four Consecutive days. The last three - hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake…

MONDAY:

For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 2555-0707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Rani who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY:

Notice: We regret having erred in SK Shah's ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 2555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Rani, who lives with him after 7PM."

WEDNESDAY:

Notice: SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the Classified ad yesterday.

The ad stands corrected as follows: "For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 2555-0707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Rani who loves with him."

THURSDAY:

Notice: I, SK Shah, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 2555-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Rani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit.

**********************************************************************

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother

who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and a half years old

and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken

among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was

one of my favourite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the

evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when

I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom

came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring

him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of

tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to

him, 'Did it

ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water

is the toilet??'

....Mothers know!!

A man brings home a dog to his often lonely wife, but it is excessively small.

"But honey, says the wife, I would like a guard dog, how is this one supposed to protect me from anything?"

-well, its a special dog, he knows karate...!!!

Watch this :

"KArate, rake!"

And the dog attacks the rake, shredding it to pieces within minutes....

"karate, barbeque!"

The dog procedes to demolish their barbeque, leavind a small pile of stones.

The neighbor, concerned by all the racquet, shows up....The wife politely explains that they have a new karate dog...

to wich he replies :

"karate, my a**"..........

Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband is

having an affair with his secretary."

"I don't believe it for one minute !" Marie snapped."You're just saying that to make me jealous !!!"

One day a little black boy was given wings by God. Amazed and incredibly happy, the little black boy smile at God and asked; "God, does this mean I'm an angel?" God smiled back at the boy and said;

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Nah *****.. You a bat!

Hush!! Ha Ha Ha !!!!!!!!!!!!