I have a friend in a highly abusive marriage who is scared for herself and her children and I want to help?

How much of the situation have you heard from her and how much have you witnessed? Lots of people have tragic lives that they perpetuate by their actions. If she is an alcoholic, and quite possibly the whole family is, she is not going to do anything to change the situation other than look for a sympathetic ear. I don't mean to sound harsh but I have been in a similar situation that you are and no matter what I did to help things did not change. They continued to do the things that caused their problems.

If she really wants to get out of the situation there are alot of services to help her get out on her own.

This is a national site:

http://www.ndvh.org/help/index.html

This is a Cleveland site:

http://literacy.kent.edu/Oasis/abuse/ohio.html

The police do not like spousal abuse anymore than you do, don't be so quick to judge their response, I believe there is more to the story than what she is telling you. If they just told her to quit drinking that means they have likely been involved with her or her family a lot as a result of arguments etc when they are drinking. Believe me, if she was being abused when they were called they would jail her spouse.

So take a closer look at the situation, and by all means encourage her to seek help, but don't expect much.

I think Cyclist has very good information.

A concern that I have is that she does need to quit drinking, I'm sure she started because it was the lifestyle and now it is her escape from what is going on, but it isn't good for her children, she has got to stay off the booz. She then needs to not call her mom, and then get out! I'm concerned that if she continues drinking between her mother and the husband she will be found an unfit mother and lose those kids, especially because they are disabled. At this point I'm not so sure she is being a good mother to them. I don't mean to sound harsh but I do need to be honest. You are her friend and you need to tell her to get herself together. If the police actually told her she needed to quit drinking then something tells me there is more to the story. Either way, the relationship is volitile and she needs to get herself out and also get some help for her problem.

Just a little tip, you can't help someone who won't help themself

i find it hard to believe that the police would tell her to stop drinking and its her fault. First off, if the kids are in an abusive home life and the mother isnt leaving, then call CPS and get them out first. Kids dont have a voice and dont know what to do if this is the life they are used to, especially if they are disabled. As for your friend, you cant help her unless she wants the help. She may tell you she does, but really, if she did, she would have taken to first opportunity to pack her self and the kids up and get the hell out. You want to help her, then let her move in with you.

Abusive homes are tough especially when you are the one being abused and the are tons of thoughts that run through your mind when deciding whether or not to leave. The kids need to get out of there NOW regardless of their mothers decision.

Having him arrested for domestic abuse is a start, while he is sitting in jail she can leave.....if she wants too.

If you want professional advice, then i suggest you get off the computer and pick up a phone book. I, my dear, walked right next to her shoes in this situation with my mother. I DO understand how hard things are for the abused, but i also know that if SHE REALLY wanted out, she would BE OUT. It took my mom 13 years to leave and it didnt matter what anyone said prior......

Police can not disregard an abuse situation and if your local department is, then you go one step above there head. Everyone has to answer to someone, so dont stop just at a local cop.

All you can do is be there for her. She has to be the one that makes the decision to leave. You can give her all the information in the world but if she doesn't choose to use it then there is nothing you can do. I went through a similar situation with my best friends of over 15 years. her husband beat her up and blacked hers eyes, took chucks of skin out of her arms, took off for a week and then she took him right back. I gave her info for abuse centers, names of lawyers to talk to, etc. Luckily she has no kids with him. She says he is better but they all say that. I think she just doesn't want me to know. It is frustrating because you want them to do better for themselves. You do not want them to hurt and you know that they are. Sometimes you just have to be there and let them cry and when they are ready to get out be there with the moving truck. Perhaps this isn't the answer that you want but that is all I can give. If the police will not help, she needs to contact a local shelter for abused women. They will help her get herself and her kids out. They will help her get settled into a job, help with legal services in some cases and childcare. However, she has to make the move. You cant do it for her.

Sometimes I just want to shake my friend so I know how you are feeling.

As much as you want to help all you can do is encourage. She will only get out if she has decided to leave. Encourage her to take the child and go to a shelter where she can be safe and get counseling and help.

If there is real danger to the child call child protective services, they may remove the child from the home if it is in danger and sometimes the threat of having the child taken away is enough to shock mom into reality that she needs to do something for herself and the child instead of losing the child!

I dont agree with calling CPS. The children need to be with their mother. You have to convince her to go to a shelter. You have to help her get there. The first step is that she needs to leave with her children. Tell her she doesnt need to bring anything. Their safety is the only important thing. You need to find others that could convince her to leave. She has to know that she has support and protection if she does leave. She has to leave on her own fruition, and then you can protect her and help her build a new life.

Check with Social Services in your area. They should be able to give you names & numbers for safe houses that your friend can go to with her children. The safe house will have shelter and people there who can help your friend.

Are the children being abused? If so, get them out first once they are out then she can work on getting herself out...she'd have no reason to stay. Then she can work on getting her kids back. There are women's shelters and domestic violence centers in every major city. I suggest you contact them first. And remember, she has to want to get out. You can't make her, she has to find the strength within herself.

notify the police...... spousal abuse is a crime

she does not have to put up with this.

there are also abuse centers for women in many cities... that will take in women, who are in abusive situations.... and help them get back on their feet.

contact the local churches, they should be able to send you in the right direction.

Get in your car, pick her up and just start driving. If you want to help, drastic measures need to be taken and YOU need to take them!