More one liners?

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my

own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said

"Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a

moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them

get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person

you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive

days I have stayed alive.

14. How come USA choose's from just two people to run for president and

50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a

peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see

naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:

"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true

friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"-

20. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear

loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed

up in the first place!

21. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just

"chunky dunk."

22. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

23. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell

the difference.

24. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could

simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

25. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you

haven't fallen asleep yet.

26. My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that's what

he said). ;

27. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

28. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have

started with something called LABOUR!

29. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but

FAT cells live forever.