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How can my Girlfriend ever trust me again?
We met back in June of last year on holiday, and at the time she was living in Sweden and me in the UK. I really wanted to persue seeing her, after having such a great time away, and travelled to Sweden a few weeks after arriving home - to see her. It makes me feel ashamed to say this, but certainly at the time I was’nt taking the idea of being with her as seriously as I should have done, and although I really knew I could fall for her, I felt it to be more of a small sexual fling.
My behaviour at this time was very out of character. I had began chatting inappropriately online using facebook with other girls, most of whom I did’nt even know, nor had ever even seen. My home life was immensely unhappy, I had been living with my Mother and sister, and took a very dominant role in the family, after my father had left us a year previously, within this time we had moved home three times, and my mother had become very depressed – understandably. The final move to our new permanent ........
home would have my mother say how she wanted a room that I felt comfortable in, and one that meant I did’nt feel obligied to up and leave as soon as I met somebody.
Anyway, sure enough after a month of being in that home and having gone on holiday with a few friends, I had met somebody.
The relationship started out in very difficult circumstances, travelling backwards and forwards to the Sweden and the UK, and in the meantime, I had to try and keep a very high pressured sales Job whom reluctantly granted me time off (even if I was entitled to it through holiday). Everything in my life felt a million miles an hour and I should take this opportunity to tell you that at this time I was still only 20.
After months and months of trying to make the relationship work, I was growing more and more unhappy with my current circumstances, I had fallen for this girl and for inexcuseable reasons I had continued to talk online sexually with other girls.
November 2007, I had decided that it was time I get away from everything, and really make an attempt to turn my life around. I quit my Job, informed my mother and sister, and said that I was going to try life in Sweden for a period of time with this girl. I stayed there for three months unemployed and really feeling unhappy. It felt nobody in my family was supportive of my descision. I was falling for this girl even more, but in my absence from work, and suddenly finding I had more time now than ever before, I stupidly continued to chat online all the while my partner was working tirelessley.
March 2008, she had grown to mistrust me because of my persistant white lies about such stupidly small things, and she began checking my e-mail and facebook. She confronted me totally distraught and I lied on top of lies in order to cover my total embarassment and shame, thus resulting in her total disrespect. I deleted all contacts, networking accounts, and everything that would possibly
connect me to that type of thing in the future and had told her how I did’nt expect her to want to see me, let alone trust me again. I knew this would take a lot of time.
April 2008, after a few miserable weeks of more or less no talking and me not even feeling it be right to sleep in the same bed as her, a miracle happened. A big job interview I had gone to, that I thought at the time had’nt gone so well, turned out that they wanted me to start within the next week. From there on in, my personality completely transformed, I woke up to the fact that I had everything in life I could possibly want, I could’nt take it for granted anymore, and out of the blue my family began to contact me more regulary which felt amazing knowing I had their support.
Right or Wrong, It took this for me to actually realise just how much I loved her, and how much she had done for me. Some might argue I had sacrificed a lot in quitting my job and moving country, but in comparison, it felt very little to me, knowing and hiding the embarassment of what I had been doing.
Life now is better, quality, money and stress in that respect is almost non-exsistant, though I know how little she still trusts me, and rightly so. I have learnt my lesson, and love her more than anything in the world, but I can’t help but feel that I don’t deserve to be with her.
How Can I ever build this relationship to one of total trust and commitment?
1 Answer
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
Since she's still with you, it means she is still willing to try. To break it off now will probably hurt her too. The thing is, if you're VERY 100% certain you wont hurt her again, just keep trying and being great to her in every way. Show her more attention to regain her trust. And TALK to her. Tell her how undeserving of her you feel, and you're uncertain about how to bridge the trust but you lover her and want to try and OWN UP to your lies. Tell her you were a jerk, tell her you want another chance and tell her about your circumstances (although it doesn't excuse your behavior), and then ASK her if she wants to give it another go. Maybe even give her some control on your internet habits so that she knows what you're doing online and knowing she has control over that. Once she can regain control of not being suspicious over your activities, trust can grow again.
Talk through everything with her as you go along so you know what behaviors u might have to change or control so she doesnt start doubting your activities as nefarious.
On the other hand, if you think there is a 10-30% chance you're going to act like a jerk again and hurt her all over again...do her a favor and break up with her now. At least, it'll hurt less. And oh yeah, Im not sure if telling her you tot she was a sexual fling would be a good idea though...dont tell her that.
