Questions for Mothers from the Baby Scoop Era, and others who were coerced into relinquishment?

Having lost my son in1967, the height of the EMS/BSE, I guess I am qualified here. Yes, I told my son, but not at first. It was actually quite a while after we reunited before I realized that lack of options necessitated my "choice", ie. the one my parents TOLD me was mine. And, a very wise friend told me, pushed me actually, to call the agency and demand my medical records which included the Social Worker Notes. There, in black and white, in the Social Worker's handwriting it said, "Sandy is strongly resisting surrender, but her parents will work to insure she relinquishes." That was when I finally gave up any illusions of control over my situation, over our circumstance. I didn't want to lose him, I wanted to keep and raise him. However, there was no way I would be allowed to.

I attended a conference in New York and Ann Fessler was one of the presenters. I had her sign a copy of the book, and I sent it to my son as a gift. We had had several conversations about my not wanting to lose him, after my epiphany, already, but when he got the book, he read it. that was when the cover left his eyes too. That was about 2 years ago. Since then he has been in his most recent pullback, and I have not heard one whisper from him. It seems that knowing the circumstances of the GWWA, me included, was almost too much for him, but I also know that he will be back. He is processing it. He disappears for years at a time, last time 3 1/2 years. Then he comes back when things are working again. It is painful for me, but that is the way it is,. We will never have a normal relationship, because the effects of his loss are too much for him to take in, too painful for him and quite painful for me, too. But, it is what it is, and the truth is ALWAYS better than a lie.

Would I tell him the truth again? Yes, absolutely. There have been enough lies in our lives already, and it is the discovery of the awfulness that those lies disguised that is what is too painful for him to handle. And, if I am to be believed and for him to trust me, I have to tell him the absolute truth no matter how difficult, or I am as guilty as those who gave him lies, no matter how sugar-coated.

As a BSE adoptee who was raised by two loving, wonderful people, I hate to admit that adoption has gotten as ugly as this--but it has. You don't have to spend ten minutes on the internet before you find out that some people simply want what they want when they want it, and as cheaply and quickly as possible, even when "it" is somone else's child. For instance, I can't imagine how heartless a person would have to be to complain in 2008 about not being able to get a child from Guatemala. Do they not care that some of these infants were actually kidnaped, or do they think that not doing their research will somehow keep them innocent of the crime that "completed" their family? Do they think their child won't find out he or she was stolen and have pyschological problems with that later? There are right ways and wrong ways to adopt. The fact that you want a child very much is no excuse to do it the wrong way.

Yes, i told my son immediately. I did not want him to be under ANY illusions that it was at all voluntary. I loved him and wanted to keep him. He had a right to know that he was stolen from me. And I had the right to tell him. The term "voluntary surrender" is entirely misleading when coercion eliminates the "voluntary" part. A coerced or manipulated "decision" is not a decision at all.

On another point related to this, no mother should "take responsibility for" an act that was forced upon her. To feel shame, blame, or guilt for your baby being taken for adoption, to "apologize" to your child as Nancy Verrier and others suggest, is like taking the blame for having been raped. Sorry, but no go. Haven't been through both experiences, I can tell you that there was the same amount of coercion and force used.

My son has found a great deal of peace and happiness in knowing that it was "not my choice" but instead knowing the details of how he was taken and why it happened (the waiting list for babies that the 'agency' responsible for the adoption had). He knows that he was not given away, "placed," or otherwise rejected by my choice. That means a great deal to him.

I have included some links below that talk about the lack of choice that many of us were given, plus one blog entry about reunions.

"The first thing the unmarried mother is likely to lose is her right to make important decisions. The agency or community tells her what she must do if she is to receive the services she needs . . . In most instances the plan for the baby is pre-determined. Often these matters are decided without her being able to state her own preferences." HELPING UNMARRIED MOTHERS, by Rose Bernstein, copyright 1971

My son is only 7 months so I have a ways to go, but if I don't get him back, I will absolutely tell him how I was pressured and lied to. I will also tell him that I fought with everything I had to get him back. I'm in appeals court now, and if I lose, I'll go to the supreme court. If I lose there, I'll go camp outside the White House until some one listens to me. If all that fails, at least my son will know that he was loved and wanted more than anything on this earth, and that will be my truth.

I guess that depends on who he is and where he is at. Since my son was adopted at an older age (3) I have to be sure that his mental and emotional health comes before anything else. I do plan to tell him that I fought for him and tried to get us both out of the mess I, and social services, had created. I'm not really sure how much I will tell him on my own but I will answer any question he might have with 100% honesty.

Checkmy last question (how ever long it stays up, never mind it was already deleted.. so I will post it below..) and you will understand the Baby Scoop Era never ended...

I am not a mother but a father... and if I ever find my stolen son and my stolen parents... I will let you know...

*Autumn, no problem. :)

Great Q. In march of this yr. My daughter called me.....We have emailed many times asked many Q. to each other but she hasn't asked me that? However I will not lie to her, ever ! I will tell her, My cold hearted, Hateful mom made me do this.