How to tactfully say NO to family?

Just politely tell her that you've already decided that there will be no children allowed at the wedding. You can't play favorites. The rule has to apply to everyone.

That's a tough one. Personally, I think it's disrespectful of her on a couple of levels. I think that parents with babies/loud children should have the common courtesy to leave their kids at home to begin with. Secondly, I think it's out of line for her to just inform you that she's bringing a baby without asking if you think it would be okay. Weddings are solemn occassions and parents should have enough reverence to ensure that their kids don't cause a scene.

Did you let it be known that it was adults only from the beginning? If you did, then that's an easy out.... Just explain that you've asked others not to bring their children and that you don't want to play favorites by allowing her to bring the newborn Tantrum Factory. If that isn't the case, maybe you could have the groom talk to his brother about the matter. Her husband will know best how to make sure the kid stays with someone for the wedding. I'm sure they'll have a much better understanding of things than if you were to talk to her about it. Another thing you could do is send out an e mail (or snail mail if that's how you're communicating with the invited) stating that you and the groom would appreciate people making babysitting arrangements regarding young children for the rehearsal dinner, wedding and reception.

If you just plain don't want her there regardless of where the baby is (and that's what it sounds like), your best bet is probably to have the groom talk to his brother if you wish to keep things civil. Any other approach will probably cause an insane amount of drama between you and her. I understand that you're probably okay with the brother coming and he may be able to attend sans troublemaker, but brace yourself for your groom getting upset because the brother will probably not go if his wife is uninvited.

Me? I'm quite abrasive when it comes to this type of thing. She'd have never received an invitation and the brother would have been told that he can come if he's alone. I'm getting married in a year or so and there are quite a few people who will not be receiving an invitation because of things like this.

KUDOS for wanting to speak up against it. i decided on not inviting children to my upcoming wedding also.

you are absolutely right about the attention part. there will be TONS of attention on the baby...and that's not fair to you. he's a new addition to the family, so members of the family who haven't seen him yet, or who live far away will be all over him/her.

yes, we all know that newborns sleep alot. so sure, the baby will be hushed for 2-3 hours. but when it wakes up, it'll be screaming it's head off. can't blame the baby...after all, it will be a newborn. plus, there's a big chance that it'll wake up during the ceremony and interruptt everything. it happened at my brother's wedding, and the mother waited like 5 minutes before she finally got the bright idea to take him out of the room. it was terrible.

and at the reception, the music will be blaring and people will be having fun, but the baby's crying might ruin it.

just explain to them that you really don't think it's a good idea that they bring the baby. tell them everything i told you, but in a nice, thought out way. if youhaven'tt talked to your fiance about it yet, sit down with him, and discuss it. just be nice about it.

if she still insists on bringing the newborn (she probably will, after all, it'll only be a month old) i would HIGHLY suggest that you tell her to bringg a babysitter along with them. that way the babysitter and the baby can stay at the hotel (or wherever they're staying) and all the parents have to do is check up every so often. if they're still not comfortable with that, have a younger person in the family watch the babe, or tell them that they simply can't come. if she can't be reasonable with you, than she shouldn't be invited. after all, this is your day.

congrats. =]

I wish it were easier. Trying to have an adults-only event these days is like trying to suck milk out of a rock.

Even when you write Adults Only on the invitation, people just don't get it. No one feels it applies to them.

I really feel for you-I went through this at my wedding (and my cocktail parties and my dinner parties and my tailgate parties and aaaahhhh). I wish I knew what to tell you, but all I can think of is, "The breeders won't be happy until they've turned the rest of the world into disneyland!" LOL. Just joking!

Seriously, you might have at least a few other people who mention bringing their kids to the wedding. When they do, smile and say, no problem: "We've hired a babysitter for the occasion in one of the hotel rooms (or a nearby relative's home) where all the kids can hang out so the bride and groom get the adults to themselves because it is THEIR day"

9 times out of 10 people will get their freak out so much at the idea of a stranger watching their child, they'll get their own sitter.

There is no easy way but you have to be honest and explain to them that when you were planning the wedding, you and your fiance decided that you didn't want kids in attendance. She has no choice but to respect that. You should also suggest to her that if it is a problem with leaving the baby, you won't be offended if they can't attend. That way she won't feel too slighted by the fact that you don't want children there.

I'm sorry, your wishes should be respected. If you approve her bringing her baby, imagine how many other people are going to notice and take offense that they couldn't bring their kids, who obviously won't cry and can be more controlled than a newborn. Good luck. Sometimes family don't know how to take the word no. Be prepared though because she will still probably take it personal. You can't please everyone and your wishes are whats important - it is YOUR day after all!

I can totally understand you wanting your wedding to be perfect, and there may be some other issues with the in laws. Nevertheless as the mother of a two year old expecting another baby soon, I know that it is not really easy to leave a newborn baby with a stranger, especially if it is nursing/breastfeeding. Newborns don't do much else but feed and sleep, so really it may not be such a problem, particularly if they are responsible and take the baby out if it cries or grizzles. Otherwise their only option is probably not to come to your wedding, which seems a shame given that it is your fiance's brother and sister in law. I have a feeling you won't want to hear this, but honestly, I think it would be nice if you could try and be a bit more accommodating, as it might otherwise sour your relationship with them and family is so important. She is probably right that you won't even know the baby is there.

You need to stop with trying to make this a rational argument. The fact that it's hard to travel with an infant isn't relevant, any of your business, or even necessarily true. The sheet cliff, the river, the lack of a place to potty train... all irrelevant to you because they are not your problem.

This is entirely about the fact that you've made a decision not to have children at these events. That's your right.

This is simple: if bro/SIL have indicated that they are planning on bringing the kids, simply say "we've decided this will be an adults only event." If you get any protest or argument, politely say, "I'm sorry that it won't work for you, but I respect your decision not to come." And then, leave it at that.

The key: your decision to not allow children was also a decision to not have people who need/want to bring kids.

Keep in mind that when you say "GRRRRR- she irks me !" she's going to be saying that about you. Not that I think you're wrong, but just as you're annoyed at her attitude, she'll be annoyed at yours.

Don't try to defend or justify. Because you can't. And you don't need to.

If you don't want kids at your wedding, tell her you don't want kids at your wedding. Just try to be as tactful as possible. Try to explain it simply and just use nice language.

If she starts throwing an attitude, ask her to step into your shoes for a moment. Would you want to have to deal with babies crying during a special moment like that? If she says she wouldn't care, inform her that you do. If she continues, tell her you would rather her not show to the wedding. Then if she does show, have her escorted off the property.

Bottom line is that it is *your wedding*. Be nice about it even if she irks you, but there's no harm in just behind honest with her. Don't play mind games, just be as honest (albeit tactful, though do not lie) as possible.

Other than that I can't really help. Hopefully I gave you some ideas! Congratulations on the wedding :)

This is a difficult situation! Personally, I think that newborns are an exception to the rule because I would never want to leave me newborn with anyone and most people won't. I think that may be you should meet her halfway. Allow her to bring the newborn, but let her know that you've already told other guests that no children would be allowed and you don't want to be unfair to them so if she could at least find the 2yr old a babysitter you would greatly appreciate it. (may be she will get the hint) I think the majority of your guests will understand with this being a member of your family.

This happened in our own family. Some kids actually ended up being there even though the bride didn't want them. Invitations were sent to a couple, and the RSVP came back with 3+ people on it.

If someone decides to talk to them about, I suggest that it be your lover, who could perhaps talk to his brother, etc. Otherwise, you are probably setting yourself up with problems between you and sister-in-law right off the bat.

That being said, a newborn is probably a rather different situation that kids who are running around the room and that you need to feed. It is your wedding, though.

First of all, I wouldn't worry about "tact", she obviously doesn't know what it is.

This is YOUR day and whomever, YOU invite should be there, no exceptions!

Since the wedding isn't until April, you have plenty of time to deal with this, since the invitations of course aren't out yet. If you want to give them plenty of notice, just reply to the email she sent you and write EXACTLY what you wrote in this posting. That is that NO children are allowed and there will be NO exceptions! Then, don't forget when you do send out the invites next year to print out little notes with "We are sorry, but we are not inviting any children to our wedding" and add them to the invites of people who are so tactless that they would bring their children when they are not invited.