English translations?

I´ve been trying to translate the following sentences from awful English into proper English.Please, I´d really appreciate it if you had a look at the sentences and gave me some ideas on how to improve the translations.

Cocktail lounge, Norway :

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

(Ladies are requested not to bring children into the bar)

At a Budapest zoo:

PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT

TO THE GUARD ON DUTY. (Please do not feed the animals yourself. The guard on duty will do it for you)

Doctor's office, Rome:

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.(Specialist in female diseases)

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:

COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM,

PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF. (natural ventilation system. Use with care)

In a Nairobi restaurant :

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. ( If you have any complaints regarding the service you can see the manager)

On the grounds of a Nairobi private school:

NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION. (No trespassing - without permission is silly!!)

In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO. (Open all days of the week)

In a Tokyo bar:

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. (can´t get the idea !)

Hotel , Japan :

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

(hahaha, this sounds really funny. I guess the intended meaning was: Should you need anything, the chambermaid will help you,)

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox

monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET

COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY. (You are welcome to visit this cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried. Open everyday except Thursdays)

Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS. ( Up-to -date tooth extraction techniques)

A laundry in Rome :

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD

TIME. (hahahahahahaha ´,don´t see why it should be changed. However, I think the intended meaning was: Ladies, leave your clothes here and forget about your occupations for the whole afternoon)

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia :

TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS - WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES. (haha,we guarantee no accidents)

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong :

GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.(life warranty)

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :

WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.(Worldwide baggage dispatch service)

The best!!!! In a Japanese cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN

GRAVES ( It is forbidden to take flowers from any graves except those of relatives)