How to respectfully interview grieving parents and friends?

I have a degree in journalism and worked for a small local newspaper for several years before changing my profession. One of the hardest things in the business are the stories written following someone's death. Firstly, though, are you being asked to report on an unexpected death or someone well-known to the campus community, or are you being asked to write a basic "obituary"? For obituaries, there are simple forms with the information that are generally obtained from the funeral homes, and that means you won't have to bother a grieving family for the information. The information in a basic obituary is information that the funeral home has, anyway.

If you are actually reporting on the death and looking for comments from family and friends, one of the easiest ways to do this is to attend the funeral service, if possible. Many times, friends of the family will speak and sometimes even the families have a few words to say during the service. The way I always handled this was to arrive early enough to introduce myself to the person officiating over the service in an inconspicuous way. Be sure you pick up a program if available - this will help you to make certain you have the names of those speaking, or if not the names, at least you'll see if there's a time scheduled for friends and family to speak. I've found that these comments really are some of the most moving and candid that can be used - they're not just responses to canned questions from someone who doesn't know what to say or is afraid to ask questions that are too personal in nature. If the family seems especially grieved and you don't know who made a comment at the funeral that you would like to quote, then you can always ask the pastor privately who it was.

I've never had to do that but the professionals in the funeral homes can steer you in the right direction.

I would ask a sibling of the deceased for a summation of a person's life instead of a parent or spouse. They are often a little less shocked by the loss and a little more willing it would seem to me to give an overview which is both accurate and favorable. Once you contact one relative willing to assist I would suggest to them that they contact other relatives to fill in the gaps. That leaves you off the hook and it will give them something constructive to do on behalf of their lost relative.

Begin as soon as possible since time is a crucial component in the publication of an obit and those who grieve cannot bear being rushed easily.

Most every family should be willing to provide information for a good obit. Also read several obits and see how they are structured and what information they contain.

But hey like I said I haven't done it ever so that's my suggestion. The funeral homes and local reporters/ small town newspapers are familiar with your task and probably have plenty of time to give you helpful advice.

I would start with a statement expressing you are sorry for their loss, that you are honored to be given such a task (even if it is assigned), and that you hope to gather information from them that will help you understand who this person was, so that you may express what the family held so dear. Also indicate that they should tell you only about what they feel comfortable expressing and that if they need to stop, take a break, or reschedule, you want them to know that you are completely understanding. It is unavoidable that the family will feel their loss when relating information to you, however, it may be cathartic to recount positive stories and information. As far as interview techniques, I would start off simply asking them to tell you the story of Mr./Mrs____. Then ask occasional specifics as needed. I believe that as long as you act empathetic, you will do fine.

Try not to ask too many questions, just let them talk more than anything, and be very attentive. Just ask them what the person was like, plain and simple, and let them talk, be a rock, don't get emotional, just be as sympathetic as you can be, while listening to every word.

First of all offer your sincere condolences to them. Then mention that you would like to write a memorial piece for your newspaper and could they tell you a few things about their loved one's life that they would like people in the community to know. Take it from there.

PLEASE don't ask, "How do you feel" or "How are you feeling". They feel like crap, you don't need to be told that.

Instead, ask questions, like "What can you tell me about Name that most people may not know?" or "What was the most special thing about Name?" That will encourage them to talk, you will actually learn something (and have something to write about), and it may actually make them feel a little better talking about the good stuff.

Have the bereaved talk about good memories of the dead person. Ask them what good things they remember most about the person who died. Ask them what the dead person enjoyed in life.