What's your most favourite joke?

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realise there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand ,and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then

twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several

more tugs, then yells...

"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"

The Parrot from a Whorehouse

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally settled on a parrot that was perched in the back of the store for $50.00.

She asked the shopkeeper why the parrot was so cheap, to which he replied, "Well, I have to tell you, the birds last owner was a madam at a whorehouse and he occasionally makes off color remarks that may offend some people."

Thinking that the price was right and she could handle anything he might say, she took him. When she got home she set the bird down on the table. He looked around and said, "New house, new madam".

"That's not so bad," she thought.

A little while later, her daughters got home from school, and the parrot spoke again, "New house, new madam, new whores."

Even though she felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either.

Later that evening, her husband Ray came home.

The parrot again spoke out...

This time it said, " New house, new madam, new whores, same customer's

I am a Canadian, but just before the Nixon **** - Watergate ***** hearings started, I broke my ankle quite badly. I spent 8 weeks at home with my leg supported by extra cushions. I watched all of the Watergate hearing.

The joke actually originated in the USA from the following incident:

"Watergate special prosecutor (Archibald Cox Jr.) ******

Watergate scandal: *****

On May 19, 1973, Cox took another leave to accept appointment as the first Watergate special prosecutor. Less than two months following his appointment, Cox learned with the rest of America of Nixon's secret tapes. Over the next few months, Cox, the Senate Watergate committee, and Judge John Sirica battled with the White House over those tapes. During the fight, after Sirica ordered Nixon to comply with the committee and Cox's demand, Cox offered the President a compromise. On October 20, 1973, in an event termed the Saturday Night Massacre, U.S. President Richard Nixon ordered Cox fired, due to Cox's insistence on obtaining secret White House tapes. Rather than comply with this order, both Attorney General Elliot Richardson and Deputy Attorney General William Ruckelshaus resigned."

The next day the newpapers headlines had variations of:

- "NIXON FIRES COX"

- "COX FIRED BY NIXON"

- etc.

Shortly afterwards some enterprising manufacturer of car bumper stickers thought up and produced:

"NIXON SACKS COX"

That is the simple but hilarious joke. It became so popular, that the manufacturer/printer had a terrible time keeping up with demand - even long after Nixon resigned and fled office.

I still love to tell that one to people of that generation, or to people that know these facts.

In my opinion, #2 is way funnier than #1.

1. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are running away from the police when the brunette spots a barn with three burlap sacks in it. They all hide in the sacks, and when the police come in, they decide to kick each one to see if the three are hiding. When the policeman kicks the one with thr brunette, she yells, "MEOW!" The policeman moves on to the redhead's, and when he kicks hers, she yells "WOOF WOOF!" When he kicks the blonde's, she yells, "POTATOES!"

2. Three men register at a golf centre. Upon arrival, they are told to not hit the resting ducks because if they did, the ducks would quack for hours with no end. If they hit a duck, they would be forced to be handcuffed to a hideous woman. After one week, one man gets handcuffed. Another three weeks later, a second man gets handcuffed. The last man was extremely careful not to hit a duck. After about a year without hitting a duck, the final man was handcuffed to a beautiful woman. "What did I do?" he asked. "I don't know about you," said the woman, "but I hit a duck."

a guy was driving a long and suddenly he hit something when he looked he realised he had hit a hare he was upset as he loved animals now while he was crying another car drew up and a priest got out seen what had happened and told the guy everthing would be alright whilst sprinkling something from a bottle over the hare:s head and mirracuiously the hare got up shaked it:s head walked on and every now and then turned round and waved.The guy was delighted and ask the priest what was that liquid that he poured over the hare:s squashed? and the priest replied , that was hare restorer with a permanant wave

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours

and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.

One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."

The other man replies,

"Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says,

"Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says,

"I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly

returns to his friend.

"So what did she say?" asks the friend.

The drunk responded,

"She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather $hit in her pants."

Ed Zachary Disease? My Current fave.

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well-known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'

The woman did as she was told.

'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.

Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'

Worried the woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ****.'

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack

Schitt'! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an

intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer

magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced

six children: Holie Schitt, Gi va Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe

Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a

rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children,

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He came home with his Italian wife; Piza Schitt

By Crock O Schit

A man walked into a bar. Ouch! Then he walked into a pub and bought a pint. A little lady walked up to him and said "im a leprechaun and if you fulfil my wish i will give you all of my leprechaun gold" and that was a lot of leprechaun gold so he said " ok what is your wish"

The little lady said "I would like a bit of 'romance'" so he took her back to his place and they had a bit of 'romance'. After when they were lying next to each other the little lady asked the man how old he was. "38" the man replied. "your a bit old to be believing in lepricorns now aren't you" said the lady.

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them. The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case. Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!