does anybody know a really good joke?

"the best laid plans"........

Dave walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped dejectedly over the bar. He walks over and asks him what's wrong?. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but couldnt because I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Dave with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed!" "That's great!", says Dave, "When are you going out?" "Well, I went to meet her this evening, but I was worried I'd get an erection again. Soooo, I got some duct tape and taped my pecker to my leg, so if I got an erection, it wouldn't show." "Thats Sensible", says Dave. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest, sexiest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" Paul slumps back over the bar again and said "I kicked her in the face."

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Last Days

A leper goes into a nearby tavern after his doctor informs him that he has only a few weeks left to live. He explains his situation to the barkeep and asks for his compassion and says "I know I look pretty disgusting and all, but do you think I could sit down there at the end of the bar, next to that old bum? It's dark down there and the other patrons wouldn't be able to see me very well." The barkeep agrees and gives him the first drink on the house. After some time, the barkeep returns to the end of the bar to check up on his two unfortunates. The leper asks for one more beer before leaving. As the barkeep sets the beer down, he pukes all over the bar. The leper says "I didn't think you'd be able to stomach the sight of me much longer...sorry to have troubled you." The barkeep states "no, it's not the sight of you that got to me...that bum next to you was dipping his chips in your arm."

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Using the Camel

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, what the camel was for.

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "Bring in the camel!"

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.

As he stepped down from the stool and was buttoning his pants, he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town"

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Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.The Personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena ."I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

http://www.innocentenglish.com/best-funny-jokes/fu...

not really a joke but:

Here is an actual McDonald’s Application. Nothing was changed except the name of the applicant, Greg Bulmash, whose name was changed to John Smith to protect his anonymity.

McDONALDS APPLICATION

This is an actual job application a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida – and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: John Smith

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?

Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?

I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?

I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?

On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?

Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?

Yes – Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

First Official Act

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner.

A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner...NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," chuckled the veteran policemen, "especially since this is a bus stop!"

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."

St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

Whats the version between a Saudi Arabian guy and a guy From the u . s . a . ? answer : the guy From the u . s . a . might want to get Stoned and then have an affair the guy From Saudi Arabia could have an affair and then get stoned

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal'. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan'. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

What do you call a lady with a cocktail stick in her head?

Olive!!

Makes me crease up every time, the simple ones are the best!

What is the speed limit for sex?

68. because at 69 you have to turn around

Why was the washing machine laughing????

Cause it took the piss out of the Pants!

why was 6 afraid of 7?

because 7 8(ate) 9