¿A question for young expats in the Philippines: How do you deal with Filipinos ?

I have been here five years and have found the same thing as you. I came to the Philippines as I did all the places I had lived before in hopes of making friends. I found this to be the first place I have lived where it is impossible to make friends because it always comes back to money. I wanted to assimilate into society for I had done it many times before only to find it to be impossible.

Some says it is because there are a lot of poor people and I do not believe this to be so. I have lived where the people were poor as many are here. In one place I will not mentioned the name I had a problem where when invited out with people I knew did not have money would insisted on paying the bill and I often felt guilty knowing it would be far easier for me to pay than them, but I also realized it would be an insult to them if I insisted on paying.

There has been times when I thought "ah at last" a real friend and then be hit in the face with the money thing. They then act insulted as if you have betrayed a friendship if you do not give them what they want. Just a few weeks ago I ask a person who happens to be a teacher if he did not think I was insulted by his using me only to obtain money.

Another incident when I first came to the Philippines were with people whose wife was very involved in the Philippine Catholic Women's movement. I was invited to visit a sisters home out of Manila for the weekend. I got there only to find they had had a flood and the sisters six pigs had drown and they wanted me to replace the pigs.

The real problem is when you see there is a legitimate need and you want to help, but you know if you do the expected help will never stop.

I agreed to help a family send their son to college. The sister of the wife died and they wanted me to bury the sister. The grandfather had a heart attack and was in the hospital about four days and they wanted me to pay the hospital bill so he could leave the hospital. Then there was a fire where the cousin lost his families small home and they thought I should be willing to replace it. ALL I WANTED WAS friends and I did not want to buy them.

Do not tell me that I am associating with the wrong type of people. I am associating with family people, decent people, working people, church going people and have never been in a bar since I have been in the Philippines although I see nothing wrong with a bar. If they are the wrong people who then do you suggest I associate with?

It is a cultural think and I think the people of the Philippines have described it best on this very site "CRAB MENTALITY."

I to want to live in the Philippines. I am working hard to try and work around this problem and stay. But, with each passing day I find it getting more and more difficult. I like the slower pace of life. I like the gathering in the parks and plaza. I like the beautiful landscape the Philippines has to offer among the most beautiful in the world. I like the food and the fact most speak at least some English. I like you can find good medical care if you need it. I like that even though I live in Mindanao I feel safe. But, none of that is as important as friendships.

Im not an expat but im friends with an expat.

And he has experienced a lot of negative esperiences in his stay here,

God. I'm so ashamed of how majority of my fellow Filipinos treat our guests and immigrants. ( D :)

Sometimes, when I see them deliberately disrespespecting foreign nationals or refuse to give acceptance to those living in our midst. I just want to smack them in the head >: (

Don't they realize that we are all human beings and each and everyone of us has the right to be treated and respected as an equal?

In fact that's human right number 1.

"Everyone is created equal" lol. ^^

Also, the treatment Filipinos may give you may depend on the social status of the Filipinos you hang out with.

The more educated and refined Filos dont generally act rotten, closed-minded and money-grubbing. The Philippines, however is a poor developing country whos masses are uneducated and where money is lacking.

So for those without the blessings of social graces (meaning about 40% of the population which lives below the poverty line) theyll often act like money grubbing, closed minded individuals.

I hope that the bad apples in our bunch havent dangerously tainted your perception about us and us educated individuals are trying our best to help alleviate this sickening disease of closed mindedness and ultra-materialism which pervades through 40% of the population but it takes some time to enlighten the poor and ignorant masses. : (

Cheers! ^_^

Filipinos are not a racist nation at all and it just goes to show how little you know about other cultures. They are a very proud nation, but to insult them or belittle them as in any asian culture is like slapping them in the face. You will suffer the consequences As for the Suzette Nichlas incident, that goes way beyond the realm of right and wrong. Politics and saving face had more to do with that situation than anything else. You should learn what is accepted in other cultures and what is not. Mr. Smith suffered somewhat because of his american upbringing and his belief that as an american (and marine indoctrinated persona as being superior) he can get away with whatever he chooses. When in the Philippines, LEARN TO DANCE TO THEIR MUSIC.

Hope that you don't mind an ole timer butting in.

I've been married to a Filipina for 8 years now. Met her her in Taiwan and saw that she was a decent sort. After 2 years, we went to Philippines and got married. Her family accepted me (I haven't met some of them yet, because she seems to have about 300 relatives) but there are good ones as well as bad ones. Maybe you have a black sheep in your family.

Anyway, I agree with you that 'all foreigners here are rich', but that seems to be a part of the Asian culture. In Taiwan, instead of being rich, all foreigners are smart. Maybe the problem here is that there are so many poor people - and I'm sorry to say, it's their fault. I keep telling them if one stand makes good profit, 50 stands side by side all selling the same thing won't.

Now about the women... You will find gold diggers in all countries. You will also find many honest and loving women. Personally, I think that you can find the right woman without too much trouble. Many are just looking for love and security. Part of the culture here is giving 'pasalubong' to everybody in sight after a trip anywhere. Word of caution - leave a bit of space in your suitcase for yourself, and buy the cheap gifts. Remember your wife or GF is your #1. after that come her parents and brothers and sisters. Control any money going to relatives (because you're NOT rich).

Guess I had my say.

Personally I do not like to live in one place all the time because none have everything I want. The RP is definitely not the best place to look for middle class western-thinking friends. But the food is great, everything is cheap and you can find gorgeous ladies who will date a foreigner ( hard in other Asian countries). I have never dated so many good looking and respectable ladies ( I treated them with respect, too)

For intellectual friends, I go to Argentina or Quebec- try it ( but you need to speak Spanish and French). You will make friends for life there. Or try Switzerland or something.

I have learned a long time ago that you just can't get blood from a turnip. You cannot get it all in one place. You need several countries to live a complete life.

By the way I have helped some ladies whom I met online or even in places where they should not be. I got them out of bad places and situations,have paid for their schooling ,and some have already gotten degrees. Some are still in school studying hard. One girl is now studying to be a photographer. They all have one same thing to tell me- "you are the only one who has helped me. No one else has."

Don't know about looking for friends to make me feel better and happier, but I have been trying to ** be** a friend and help them out in very difficult circumstances.

This way several girls have been saved from a shameful lifestyle and are now in honorable jobs or schools. I cannot think of anything better than this that I have done in my life for others. And it fills me with joy. I have been a true friend to them. It feels great!

i sympathize with your dilemma, that not only happens to foreigners but also to expats, my family and i are now living in california and our family back in the philippines think that we are just picking up money from the streets. they ask to help them go through college, help them buy a house, fix up the house, buy them a psp, etc... they think we can afford to buy them anything they want. and we tell them how hard and expensive everything here is. we are barely surviving, we live from paycheck to paycheck. we needed to tell them that we're not rich and we can't afford what they're asking. then they stopped asking...

i agree with luosechi and ling ting tong. don't show them that you're rich. and if you want to assimilate, learn our language, learn our dialect and dress and act as locals do. how long have you been in the philippines? if you don't have the money, don't give it to them and don't promise anything. have you ever heard of the saying you can't buy good friends? yes, filipinos think foreigners are rich, why wouldn't they? when buying a plane ticket and applying for a visa is so expensive to filipinos and compared to them, you are a tourist who can afford a plane ticket, a visa and a vacation?

tell them the truth - that you're not rich and you just want to meet new friends. that will at least ward off the gold diggers.

You keep writing these little melodramas and whining about how much you hate it here.

People want you money. People stare at you.

People talk behind your back.

You are so homesick it stinks.

Why don't you go home? No friends there either? Consider yourself as the source.

I simply made it clear to everyone when I got my gal that I was not a rich American and didn't have any extra money as I needed it all for my Sweetie. Any thing that got from me they take from her.

If her cousin needs help with school I help. Big deal and little cash. One is graduating and going to Dubai.

When the five year old needed the hospital I paid 10000 and his Mom payed me back. Ever offer a loan in place of charity?

I might have some sympathy for you if you weren't such a whiner.

Go Home.

Elevate your taste in trolls; my friend. Birds of a feather flock together. You need to hang with a better educated crowd in the filipino middle class. Being white will get you accepted there easy. And you will find they are not near as money grubbing as the poor.

Don't get me wrong, I know some wonderful poor people in the Phil's. Yet, 1 must always chose their friends wisley.

Quite often I will turn the money grubbing game around on those kind of people and stick my hand out and pronounce, "HAPPY NEW YEAR!!" to me with a big smile. Hehe that gets them everytime.

I am a white guy and I have spent years studying Tagalog and Visaya. I can speak them pretty well now. I speak to my Filipino friends in those languages only. They start treating you differently. Your acceptance increases a thousandfold.

One girl I was dating was surprised when I referred to myself as a 'banyaga'-a foreigner, in a text message. All of my text communication is in Filipino languages. She sent me an almost offended letter that she " did not consider me a foreigner" . "You speak Tagalog, so I consider you my "ka-dugo" - blood relative. I have also received texts from people- "You are a Pinoy to me in speech and action" . Then, I remember I was in Butuan speaking to locals in Visaya. A passer-by asked them ( in Visaya)- "Can he speak Visayan? " The people answered to the passer by " He ''is'' a Visayan".

On another day I sat under a door way while it was raining and a middle aged man addressed me "Hi ,Joe". I told him- "Hindi ako si Joe". ( I am not Joe), "Oh, Tagalog ka!"- he asked ( you are a Tagalog, then)

By the way, some light skinned Pinoys told me that people would also call them "Joes". To which they would reply- "Hi , Cruz!".

How is your mastery of Philippine languages? Are you fluent in Tagalog now? Or Visayan? Are you trying to learn?

How do you dress and act? How do you behave? How close are you to a local in those terms?

But beware of one thing- the more Filipino you sound and act, the more the locals will treat you as one and it may not be such a good thing. For one I have noticed, girls would no longer try and act American with me and imitate the west to please the "porener". They were now treating me with a bit of haughtiness and expected me to act quiet, shy, modest and respectful, same as a Pinoy would. And then I would have to mano-po everyone and suck up to older people and then a whole bunch of very uncomfortable things too numerous to describe.

Be careful what you wish for.

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