How should I handle this?

Question

My ex hubby lives 6 hours away. Our son is having surgery on the 24th of this month. He told my son he would come down for the surgery and spend the night at the hospital. I was willing to politely go home, since he doesn't see him often. Anyway, now he said he can't make it because work won't give him off. Yesterday he calls me to say goodnight to our son, and he voluntarily tells me he "had" to take the night off because his new wife was drunk. He is constantly letting our son down and I am sick of having to give excuses to him for cover for his dad's bull. I have a fiance' and he is even taking off for the surgery. Any opinions?? Thanks to all.

Mom · Accepted Answer

Honestly, I would tell him exactly that.  What you said here.  And make him explain to your son why he can't go.... no need for you to be the bad guy.  I'm not saying badmouth his father... but you don't need to always cover up for him either.

So sorry you are going through this!

merillo5 · Answer

It sounds like he needs help from an Al A Non meeting. He can go in person or on line.Then he will learn to put himself and his child 1st. Try explaining to him that you understand his wife has an illness but she and him both have to understand his priority is his child right now. Tell him if he cant make it now when his son needs him the most just stay out of his life all together.Yeah its mean to give him an ultimatum but why prolong what is the inevitable.The less he is involved with your son the less heartbreak for your son.Give your fiance' a big hug from me, he is the best father in this kids life and your son will see that in the future also.

jcsaint · Answer

i agree that your ex needs to get to al anon regarding the drunk wife (if that's really the reason he can't come). 

and while it might serve justice to make your ex tell your son directly when and why he's letting him down, that may not be the best thing for the boy. a child doesn't need the inevitable stresses of surgery and recovery compounded by direct-and-personal rejection from his father.

as tough as this situation is, i think you're already doing the right thing by sacrificing your own satisfaction for the best interests of your child. you're so fortunate to have such a wonderful fiance supporting you!

lynnepeterpan · Answer

i can understand you make excuses for your son's sake but from now on  have your ex tell him why he can't make when he calls  hand the phone to your son and let him tell him  why   it is great that he has a step father who cares your son will tell his dad that at least so and so could be there and then that will give your ex a wake up call 
just be there for him when his dad backs out evently he won't care any more

Lily · Answer

well it's good at least a father figure cares
you should just keep trying to tell ur ex that if he doesn't
come and see his son he could only see him once a month or something
to put him on the spot

csscmom -- Mom of 4 · Answer

I would tell ex-hubby that it is his responsibility to tell his son why he won't be there.  If he refuses, let him know that you will tell your son the truth and then do it.

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How should I handle this?

6 Answers