What is the alternative to adoption then?

"To these people - what would you suggest the alternative is for children whose parents don't want them or can't look after them?"

Permanent guardianship by a natural relative. Permanent guardianship (NOT adoption) by someone else -- who has been EXTENSIVELY screened and checked -- if a suitable, willing family member is not available.

"Is being racketed around from foster home to foster home preferable?"

Of course not. I don't think anyone is suggesting that. At least, not anyone who has 'been there'. But, to be honest with you, it's hard not to imagine that it WOULD have been better FOR ME. I was adopted by abusive people who HATED me by the time I was old enough to be aware. They blamed a lack on bonding ON ME. At least if I had been in foster care, I could HOPE that the 'next house' would be less abusive/not abusive...and that I might escape the hell (however temporarily) BEFORE I was an adult, or they killed me.

"I'm genuinely interested in this as I always thought that once I had had three of my own children i would consider adopting an older child (4 or 5 years old). Would this be really such a bad thing?"

Not for you. Although, I doubt it will be the bed of roses you might be picturing, either. It will be "such a bad thing" for the child who has lost everything -- no matter what you have to provide in replacement. YOU will not be the family they lost. YOU cannot 'love away' the pain of that loss -- no matter how good you are as a parent. YOU will have 'your own' children -- and that will ALWAYS hurt. I was raised in a family that had one child "of their own" and it sucked rotten eggs.

I work with a woman whose brother-in-law died leaving behind a daughter (10) and a son (12). She was asked to adopt the children, but refused. As the only other relative is a grandfather who is dying of cancer, the children were placed in foster care. Yeah, I think adoption is a good idea for those children – provided the children get to approve the prospective parents. In my state you can’t choose permanent guardianship for a child who is adoptable, but older children do get a say in who adopts them.

That’s the thing. We have to work with the system we’ve got for the children who are stuck in care right now. I’m all for extensive reforms for both the foster care and the adoption system. But that will take time and the children who are in the foster system right now need the best option that’s available right now.

Before we did our adoption I spoke to people who had been in foster care. The concern among them wasn’t whether or not adoptions should happen but how to increase the number of prospective adoptive parents and foster parents. After weeding out the bad ones there would still be enough for the children to choose from, rather than the current situation of not enough homes of any kind and some children living in group homes or hotels.

So I would say that if you are willing to adopt a four or five year old whose parents' rights have been terminated, who is in the foster care system, and who agrees to it, it would be preferable to staying in foster care - provided you're a good mom :)

I have not met anyone on this site that is against foster care adoption. Now most of us do prefer Permanent Legal Gaurdianship, so the child does not lose his identity.

Stick around

Botz pretty much sums it up.

Adoption is final - and that is the problem.

Are you the same person you was 10 years ago? How about 15 years ago?

I know that I am not.

Lets assume that a bio parent cant or doesn't want to bring up their child - it doesn't really matter why but lets take the worse case and she is a addicted to crack and social services remove the child.

Should that woman suffer for the rest of her life? If shw becomes clean should she have no rights? What about rehabilitation? Some people in dont get a true life sentence for murder but that is what we give to some women we dont deem able to look after children at that time in her life.

What about people who reliquish their rights because they have no money and are young without the support of their parents - society does not care about them but can you say your finances at 25 or 30 are the same as they were at 17? Mine where a hell of a lot better.

To me adoption is not about the needs of the child in most cases - it is about the needs of the parents. WE cant have children ourselves but WE need them to make OUR lives complete where can WE get them from?

If long term/semi permanent foster care was advocated then the career would look after a child for as long as was needed - in some cases that would be as long as an adopted child (from birth until college) but for others it may only a few years or somewhere between the two.

That is about putting the needs of the adopted child first.

I am for adoption when their are no willing relatives to take care of the children, and the parents CAN'T parent, but in many cases the parents think they can't parent. The better alternative is to create a social system that will PROPERLY assist parents to keep children together. And do this at the first sign of trouble, not intervene once crisis has occured.

As for people who do'nt want them...I don't think people don't want their children, but for whatever reason has chosen adoption, then I think if at all possible keep it in the family or same cultural background.

legal guardianship with a family member is good but not in all cases. Not all foster kids are moved from foster home to foster home. some stay long term. some foster parents only take kids for short term till they can return to parents or long term care is found.

I was adopted and they do try to put you with family/blood relatives first.

I think their main concern should be the safety and well-being of the child primarily and as long as there is someone willing to offer a supportive, loving, caring, safe home then that should be best.

I think they are saying the best thing to have is your parents, second best is relatives. Then followed by a random family, then foster families.

guardianship. there s no reason to legally erase a child's past.

as a matter of fact, even FAFSA passed new law to include such circumstances when it comes to getting the child a college loan.

If a child is not able to be raised by his natural mother, and there are no family members able or willing to take him in, the best choice is Legalized Guardianship. The child would have a stable, legal home with people who have his best interest at heart, and they would have all the advantages of parents. However, the child would not lose his connection to his name, culture, background and heritage.