My husband of 16 years has left me for an old girlfriend he found on a high school reunion site. What do I do?

Question

I am so confused.  After 16 years of what I thought was a very happy marriage to my husband, my world is falling apart and I'm not sure which way to turn.

He was in the U.S. Navy when I met him overseas (in the U.K.) but we fell in love and I gave up my life to join him in the States and helped raise his sons to adulthood, who were then 12 and 10 years old.  We also had a beautiful daughter together and our family life was very happy after the initial bumps.

We've traveled all over the world together because of his career.  His last duty station was Hawaii, and with just a few months to go until his retirement we decided together that it would be a good idea if I returned to Texas with our daughter (now 13) where we have an old house.  The idea was that she and I would get settled ahead of him coming to join us, and our daughter would finally get to be in a school where she wouldn't be forced to leave her friends after a couple of years.  I would start work - and start work on the house - and put the house on the market so that we could eventually buy a little piece of land and a home where we would spend the rest of our lives together.  That way he wouldn't have to do much when he arrived here.

Now all of our plans are in ruins because my husband decided to reconnect with an old girlfriend from high school on the internet.  He'd actually been in contact with her two months before we left Hawaii, although I didn't know it at the time.  

Two months ago he started to act strangely.  Sometimes I wouldn't hear from him for days and then I realized he was switching his cellphone off so he could avoid our calls.  He also took a chunk out of our savings account without any explanation, and when I emailed him to ask why, he said he needed some time to think and was looking at jobs throughout the U.S. because "didn't know where his life was heading right now."  I was in complete shock.  This was coming from a man who had told me he loved me every single day and had sworn undying love and loyalty to me.
  
Of course I realized there was something badly wrong, so I did some research. I found him on one of those high school sites.  His old girlfriend was listed there as his only friend and there were a few flirtatious notes on his page from her.  They were exchanging pictures etc.

Long story short:  I was heartbroken and still am.  He left Hawaii 3 weeks ago and went to another state to be close to her.  He had asked me for a divorce by then, so I figured I had better take action to protect myself and my daughter and so I filed for divorce in November.
He received the initial petition but refused to sign the paperwork. He now has his own apartment (the rent costs more than our mortgage) and sees the old girlfriend on a very regular basis.  He's also running up a large credit card bill.  I emailed this woman a few times to find out what was going on and she insisted they were just friends for now but maybe they would have a happy future after he and I were divorced.  I told her I still loved him just as much as ever but she said he had told her he'd been very unhappy in his marriage to me for the past few years, which was news to me!  She also let me know that he was relating ancient old arguments he and I had had in the past, and was blaming me for making him stay in the Navy for all these years, which is completely untrue.

Our daughter has taken this very badly and is very angry and confused.  I have had to take her to counseling to help her cope.  She has gone from being a happy and secure girl to a very angry and sad teenager.

Now I'm more confused than ever because I spoke to my husband yesterday on the phone for the first time in two months.  He said he was trying to figure everything out and wasn't sure what he was going to do, but said I'd be the first to know when he had made a decision.  He still

grandmawise130 · Accepted Answer

Aww honey you can do so much better than him.  He sounds like a wet noodle to be even thinking about leaving you after all these years. Not much of a man. I don't even care that he's a veteran.  There are many heros in the military but he sure ain't one of them.  Seems guys like this sometimes realize theyre no good after hidin behind a big ole career for so long and then when the light of day is on them they run under a rock or disappear with some tramp rather than face up to reality.  This woman that he's run off to.  What kind of a woman must she be to be behaving like this towards a MARRIED MAN on some skank web site?  I dont care if she's some old GF the past is the past and she had no right interfering and trying to win him away.  Shes no good either.  She had to know he was married and now is trying to make you the evil one when really it's her right along with him.  Maybe they deserve a lifetime of misery together cuz believe me that's all theyre ever gonna get.  You deserve more sweetheart and so does your daughter.  He is failing her as a father and failing you as a husband.  Hold your head up and know you did nothing wrong.  He's the loser.  One day he will regret everything and try to come running right back to you.   My advise is to shut the door hard on his stupid selfish face.

J90 · Answer

Don't wait for your husband to make a decision on who he wants to be with. He's playing with emotions and wants to see what he wants more. What do you want more? Someone who doesn't question himself I hope. Answer his troubled mind and get a divorce. It's not healthy anyways because you will always wonder if he's cheating, or changed his mind again. It's also not healthy for the kids. 
It's ok that you still love him, and you'll have a lot of memories that are ok to hold on to. Just get out there and find someone better. Don't be with him because your afraid to be alone either.
Also, on the debt matter, don't stay in an unhealthy relationship because you are worried about bills.

Deereman · Answer

Before filing for divorce, you should have looked a little deeper into the laws of the military. I believe there is something in there that states if a spouse cheats on another spouse while still active in the Navy, they could loose their pension and get discharged. This comes from a former Navy wife who's husband did the same as yours.

caraohara · Answer

This is very sad and very hurtful for you and your daughter...the only thing you can do now is get yourself a lawyer and make sure he doesn't get his hands on anymore of you savings...this other woman is more than likely just playing with him . He is going to come back and want you to accept him back into the marriage. In the meantime you must protect yourself with regard to financial security...or else this woman will help him spend anything you have. Don't let him  walk all over you..he needs to be brought to his senses and the only way to do this is to..take a very strong stand against his terrible behaviour, it sould not be acceptable at all.... tell him you want a divorce and you want it fast...you can be sure he doesn't want that ..but he wants his bread buttered on both sides..don't play this game with him. He has not given any thought to your young daughter because he is to busy thinkingg of himself.

Anonymous · Answer

We men are generally selfish and self centered individuals an would come up every excuse to justify the worst thing that we can do to others that might may grant us some kind of gratification........ Men are just users and they'll use a woman until he can find a better one......it's just the way we are when we are at our "animal instinct" best.

I am sure you do love him but he has already moved on.....no use fighting yourself........he is just saying that stuff like i am confused n bla bla to make u feel better......the bottm line is he has moved on...........n i know u cant help it but you should move on too.....just let go.....because the more time you take to move on ......will hurt you more......i know u r strong.....you will do fine without him

Trevor S · Answer

We all think that relationships are forever and ever -- and we plan accordingly -- but the reality is that the overwhelming majority of them are only temporary. 

You are doing the right thing in attempting to protect yourself. Inform your attorney that he is running up credit card debt. I suspect that is an attempt on his part to siphon funds to himself. He possibly believes that he can make purchases on joint credit cards where you share the debt burden after divorce but that he (or perhaps his girlfriend) will get to keep the ill-gotten goods. 

NEVER go back with someone who has broken up with you. It's over. If you want to regain control of your life then the decision is yours, not his. You should not be waiting for him to decide anything. Inform him that it's over and there's no going back.

Anonymous · Answer

You need to cut off all (except about your daughter) communication with him. Sounds like he is keeping you on line just in case this new relationship doesn't work out. Don't let him use you. If you take him back after everything he's done to you, he'll know he can do this again and again. It will be hard for you and your daughter, but to take him back will be giving your daughter the message that it is ok for men to do this to their wives. You don't want her to go through the same heartache as you are. Time will heal.

Please don't continue to be his doormat.

Good luck to you and your daughter.

2kool4u · Answer

Sounds like a mid-life crisis situation. There's not much you can do except be decisive, take legal steps to protect your interests and those of your children, and don't be a doormat---ie don't give him the impression you'll be there with open arms if he decides to change his mind. In other words, cut the ties, get a new social life and look on the bright side of independence.

Hope things work out for you :-)

That stuff about "in love" is bulls**t. "In love" is for teenagers and is the way that nature brings us together to propagate the species. It usually lasts only a few months at best and anyone who expects it to last their whole life is living in fantasy-land.

I repeat, do not be at this guy's beck-and-call. Cut the ties mentally and get on with your life.

Mynd B · Answer

I can understand your devistation. It effects each one of us differently and for the most part people do move on with time. My suggestion to you is to stay very strong. Always keep your heart open for forgiveness but do not do it weakly. It seems he has you where he wants you, waiting for him to make a decission. My suggestion is to say you have no options at this point and its not his decission anymore. Its your decission to move on. Understand your going down a path of the unknown and its very scary and lonely. Stay strong and close to your daughter. Do not run him down in front of her or talk bad about him to her. Let her make her own mind up or it may bite you in the *** in the end. Wake up and pretend your starting a new life. Everyday you have to do this, every min you start to relapse you have to tell yourself somebody has it worse off than you. Be strong, feel free to email.

megamom · Answer

divorce this selfish jerk and take him for everything he has.  if you let him treat you like this you will be his doormat forever.  divorce him, get him for abandonment, adultery and whatever else you can.  get half his pension and the house.  
get everything you can to take care of your daughter and be an example to her that you can be a strong independent women and aren't dependent on this cheating dog.
focus on you and your daughters needs and emotional health for awhile then move on with your life.  
good luck
and remember that although it may hurt it will get better and if you allow him to treat you like this you will make it ok for him to always do it if you ever take him back.
walk away with your head held high.

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My husband of 16 years has left me for an old girlfriend he found on a high school reunion site. What do I do?

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