My husband of 16 years has left me for an old girlfriend he found on a high school reunion site. What do I do?

Question

I am so confused.  After 16 years of what I thought was a very happy marriage to my husband, my world is falling apart and I'm not sure which way to turn.

He was in the U.S. Navy when I met him overseas (in the U.K.) but we fell in love and I gave up my life to join him in the States and helped raise his sons to adulthood, who were then 12 and 10 years old.  We also had a beautiful daughter together and our family life was very happy after the initial bumps.

We've traveled all over the world together because of his career.  His last duty station was Hawaii, and with just a few months to go until his retirement we decided together that it would be a good idea if I returned to Texas with our daughter (now 13) where we have an old house.  The idea was that she and I would get settled ahead of him coming to join us, and our daughter would finally get to be in a school where she wouldn't be forced to leave her friends after a couple of years.  I would start work - and start work on the house - and put the house on the market so that we could eventually buy a little piece of land and a home where we would spend the rest of our lives together.  That way he wouldn't have to do much when he arrived here.

Now all of our plans are in ruins because my husband decided to reconnect with an old girlfriend from high school on the internet.  He'd actually been in contact with her two months before we left Hawaii, although I didn't know it at the time.  

Two months ago he started to act strangely.  Sometimes I wouldn't hear from him for days and then I realized he was switching his cellphone off so he could avoid our calls.  He also took a chunk out of our savings account without any explanation, and when I emailed him to ask why, he said he needed some time to think and was looking at jobs throughout the U.S. because "didn't know where his life was heading right now."  I was in complete shock.  This was coming from a man who had told me he loved me every single day and had sworn undying love and loyalty to me.
  
Of course I realized there was something badly wrong, so I did some research. I found him on one of those high school sites.  His old girlfriend was listed there as his only friend and there were a few flirtatious notes on his page from her.  They were exchanging pictures etc.

Long story short:  I was heartbroken and still am.  He left Hawaii 3 weeks ago and went to another state to be close to her.  He had asked me for a divorce by then, so I figured I had better take action to protect myself and my daughter and so I filed for divorce in November.
He received the initial petition but refused to sign the paperwork. He now has his own apartment (the rent costs more than our mortgage) and sees the old girlfriend on a very regular basis.  He's also running up a large credit card bill.  I emailed this woman a few times to find out what was going on and she insisted they were just friends for now but maybe they would have a happy future after he and I were divorced.  I told her I still loved him just as much as ever but she said he had told her he'd been very unhappy in his marriage to me for the past few years, which was news to me!  She also let me know that he was relating ancient old arguments he and I had had in the past, and was blaming me for making him stay in the Navy for all these years, which is completely untrue.

Our daughter has taken this very badly and is very angry and confused.  I have had to take her to counseling to help her cope.  She has gone from being a happy and secure girl to a very angry and sad teenager.

Now I'm more confused than ever because I spoke to my husband yesterday on the phone for the first time in two months.  He said he was trying to figure everything out and wasn't sure what he was going to do, but said I'd be the first to know when he had made a decision.  He still wants the divorce to go through he says, but asked me if it would be OK if he came to visit after the New Year!  He also admitted he still loved me but wasn't IN LOVE with me.  I am so confused.  Should I give him the time he says he needs to get his head straightened out, or should I cut all ties?

In spite of everything I still do love him very much and would still be willing to work on our marriage even though he has hurt me more than he will ever know.

jude · Accepted Answer

unfortunately when a man connects with someone new he will rewrite the whole marriage,say he's been unhappy, and the wife is last to know. if he is still talking divorce u need to go through with it, if he's not in love with u, why invest any more in it, why keep getting hurt. cut ties why keep being humiliated. he is keeping u on the back burner just in case things don't work out.

reddevilbloodymary · Answer

I am so very sorry for all that you and your daughter have been through.  I think perhaps he is having a mid life crisis.  He's been military for YEARS and now he's embarking on something new.  It can be scary and sometimes it forces people to self-evaluate.  So he's evaluating his life, his relationships etc.  This old high school flame, he's seeing her through rose-colored glasses.  All relationships have ups and downs, why he's seeing mostly the negative with your life and the positive in the past could be because he wants to feel young again.  I don't think you have much of a choice here, and despite all that he'd done to hurt you, what I would have the most trouble forgiving is the fact that he's hurt your daughter so much.  In her mind she's wanting to know why she isn't enough to keep him in the family. 

If it were me, I would let him know just how disappointed and disgusted I was at his selfish behavior.  He's a grown man and he's struggling with life choices and at the same time he's breaking his daughter's heart.  He should be man enough to sort through his issues while still being the best father he can be.  You need to let him know in no uncertain terms that he is FAILING as a father and the only reason he would be allowed to come visit would be to try to mend things with the daughter.

Anonymous · Answer

I can understand why you are having a hard time giving up on your marriage.  I'd been married 17 years when mine collapsed.  I couldn't conceive of not being married to my wife, and tried to save my relationship.  But, wrecked was wrecked.  I don't see any hope that you could ever trust him again.  Without trust, there is no hope of repairing your marriage.  It'll take time for you to accept that it's over.  But it takes two people to make a marriage work, and only one to destroy a marriage.  You can rationalize his actions all you want, but the bottom line is that he HAS made his decision.  He's not just some silly kid that stormed out because of a minor tiff.  You can try to deny it to yourself, but he has been having a mental affair with an old girlfriend, and deliberately got you to leave with your child so he'd be able to act like a single guy.  I can only recommend you don't play around.  You should file for divorce asap, to protect yourself and your child.  Now, he calls after two months, and wants to visit.  That's fine.  It's reasonable to visit his child.  But, you shouldn't bother letting him stay in YOUR home.  He can get a motel room.  BUT, before he visits, you MUST go to court, and get custody of your child, because he might simply TAKE the child and disappear.  I strongly recommend you get a restraining order to prevent him from just taking the child.  If your child has a passport, make DARNED sure he can't get his hands on it.  Do NOT trust him one single inch, and don't bother listening to him.  You can't know what's going on in his mind, but in your own best interests, you should not give him any opportunity to try to talk to you.  Yes, I'm telling you to be paranoid, and suspicious.  I only hope you are paranoid and suspicious enough.  Edit.  I've thought more about your situation, and while I may be misjudging your husband, he is used to travel, and may well have friends nearly anywhere on Earth.  I wouldn't allow him to leave your home with the child.  Period.  I'd also give the local or county cops a heads up.  I

just jude · Answer

Sweetheart, this is too serious for Yahoo answers. But let me try. You clearly are feeling alone and confused or you wouldn't have written all this, and of such a serious nature, to Yahoo strangers......so that being said, you need to listen to your heart but.........I have lived a long life, been married three times, with one marriage lasting 25 years and based on your story..........

I would get that divorce and not look back. 

I do understand what your husband means about "loving you, but not being in love with you". I have been on that end of emotions and, well, it isnt good news. He may want his cake and eat it too, but if, and I say IF he is feeling like I felt...... "It's over on his end". So, why should YOU settle for less than complete attention and devotion? When I felt this way toward my x-husband, from my HEART, I wanted him to find another, one that could love him more, or in the needful way better than I could. It was long over for me, but it took 10 years to bring it to an end.

Now 7 years post divorce, I am happy. He is happy. And so......life goes on. Im not saying its easy, cuz life just "ain't" that way.

Find resources for you and your daughter to rebuild your new lives and move forward. Do you love him still? YES and you always will. Trust me on this. He is the father of your daughter and you hold 16 years with him as a partner, lover, husband and friend. However, those days are gone. Sorry. He is now, a betrayer. I have no doubt that he loved you and will always love you, but it sounds like he NEEDS something else in his life. Let him go.

Cut contact for some time. get a good lawyer. Get a divorce and rediscover yourself as a woman and an individual.

Now, my advise may not be so good, I have been married 3 times, but, this is my thoughts based on my mind and experiences. 

You seem to be a good person, mother and wife and YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS AND A FAITHFUL HUSBAND.  God bless you, may you do whats best for you and may it all work out as soon as possible.

Anonymous · Answer

without reading the entire story thats one reason i dont like those reunion sites.

someone looking at that cannot help but look up old flames, maybe investigate their marital status and location and try to hook up with them again.  people on those sites are in love with their past for a reason.  one of those reasons is an old gf/bf that they'd love to see again.

lynn · Answer

See a LAWYER,...get your options...alimony and child support...cut all comunication with this man and his new girlfriend...do not stay and wait for this midlife crises to be over...he will respect you more if you take care of your relationship legally and cut all comunication with him! Show him that you are a strong woman and that you are not willing to be disrespected and put on hold.

No More Abuse · Answer

Seek legal advise and maybe seek out some counseling to get yourself some support and solid advise on how to handle this

Shmooks · Answer

You want to work on it, then do it.
Time won't stand still waiting for anyone.
Don't put blame, just move on.

You wanna wait, then wait.

But for heavans sakes, don't screw with your daughters psych.

(**)

Anonymous · Answer

please dont EVER take him back!!!! x x x

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My husband of 16 years has left me for an old girlfriend he found on a high school reunion site. What do I do?

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