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You Need A Good Laugh!?

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:...

*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a ********?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better*.

*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."*

*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget about it.*

*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan!, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!*

*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

*While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.

*I was working in an aquarium, when some new guy who was recently hired was given the task of feeding the fish. He started throwing in friggin peanuts! I walked up to him, looking angry, and said to him, "Damn it! They can't digest that! All they can do is lick your nuts!". Needless to say, I quit.

9 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Thanks! i needed a good laugh, okay. =) Okay, so i was at my dad's house and he was teaching me how to grill steaks...when i did that my mom texted me on the cellphone "Oh really? I want to see a picture of your meat." I laughed but she didn't get it...poor mom...oh well

  • 5 years ago

    A humorous one and I supply you a celebrity. Here is a humorous(!!) ghosts chat. Two ghosts met and each chat approximately how they died. 1st ghost : How u died? second ghost : I died of bloodless. 1st ghost : How does it suppose whilst you are death in bloodless? second ghost : Actually, I was once by accident locked within the fridge. Initially, I was once shivering, then my entire frame began to freeze, later I felt the entire global was once darkish and I died suffocating. 1st ghost : Wow what a terrible solution to die.... second ghost : How approximately you? How u die? 1st ghost : I died from middle assault. second ghost : I see, why did u have a middle assault? 1st ghost : Actually, I discovered that my spouse is having an affair with one other guy. One day, whilst I got here again from paintings, noticed a couple of guy sneakers external my condo. Then, I learned that the man was once in my condo with my spouse. When I rushed into the bed room, my spouse was once by myself. I have got to discover in which that bastard is hiding. So I searched the bathroom, I ran downstairs, regarded within the storeroom, however the bastard was once no longer there. So, I ran upstairs and searched the cloth wardrobe, however I located not anything. Because of all that jogging,I acquired a middle assault and died. second ghost : Why you certainly not seem for the bastard within the refrigerator? The bastard was once hiding there. We each possibly alive now!!

  • 1 decade ago

    LMAO Thanx for the humorXD

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    funny but i dont get the first if u post it again space the letters out so i can see what it was

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    your son sounds like a version of me when i was that age..........my mom used to hassle me bout crappin my pants but my *** was always clean too

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    thanx

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    hahh

    thanks ;]

  • 1 decade ago

    are these all in the "gutter"

  • 1 decade ago

    I got a few chuckles, thanks

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