Men vs. Women vs. the Short Story?

remember the book "men are from mars, women are from venus"? well, here's a

prime example offered by an english professor at southern methodist university:

in-class assignment for wednesday:

"today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. the process

is simple. each person will pair off with the person sitting to his other

immediate right. one of you will then write the first paragraph of a short

story. the partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph

to the story. the first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back

and forth. remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep

the story coherent. the story is over when both agree a conclusion has been

reached. the following was actually turned in by two of my english students,

rebecca [last name deleted] and gary [last name deleted.] "

at first, laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. the chamomile,

which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too

much of carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. but she

felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off carl. his possessiveness was

suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up

again. so chamomile was out of the question.

meanwhile, advance sergeant carl harris, leader of the attack squadron now in

orbit over skyline 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses

of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty

night over a year ago. "as. harris to gestation 17," he said into his

transatlantic communicator. "polar orbit established. no sign of resistance so

far..." but before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of

nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. the jolt from the

direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

he bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one

last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had

feelings for him. soon afterwards, earth stopped its pointless hostilities

towards the peaceful farmers of skyline 4. "congress passes law permanently

abolishing war and space travel," laurie read in her newspaper one morning. the

news simultaneously excited her and bored her. she stared out the window,

dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with

no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent

wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "why must one lose one's

innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. thousands of

miles above the city, the au'udrian mother ship launched the first of its

lithium fusion missiles. the dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the

unilateral aerospace disarmament treaty through congress had left earth a

defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy

the human race. within two hours after the passage of the treaty the anu'udrian

ships were on course for earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the

entire planet. with no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical

plan. the lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. the

president, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor

off the coast of guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized

laurie and 85 million other americans. the president slammed his fist on the

conference table. "we can't allow this! i'm going to veto that treaty! let's

blow'em out of the sky!"

this is absurd. i refuse to continue this mockery of literature. my writing

partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

yeah? well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing

are the literary equivalent of valium.

a*shole.

B*tch.