bilbo b

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowboys, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sasparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."

The two blonds looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.

Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied,

"Not now, I'm busy."

Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."

Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."

But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians. Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . God . . .

...we're going to be millionaires!"

"Where you headed?" the taxi driver asks. "5th street and Main," the nun replies.

Considering the long distance to where the nun wanted to go, the driver asks the nun, "So if your a nun what would it take for a man to have sex with you. The nun thinks about it and says, "He would have to have no kids be single and a Christian." The taxi driver then says, "Well your in luck because I'm all of those things. The nun looks around and gets into the front seat.

After they have finished, the taxi driver says gloating, "Haha, I'm married and I have kids and I'm a Jew!" The nun replies, "Well that's okay because my name is Henry and I'm headed to a costume party.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the

teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven

first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God. The teacher

praises the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand. The little boy says,

"I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love." "Very

good," said the teacher.

The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no", she thought,

"I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think

goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet."

The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied,

"Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet

up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned

about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

To which the blonde replies.....” Early this morning I got a phone call saying

that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why

don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off

to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep

my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual, saying "If you need

anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks

out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to

her, asking, "Are you gonna be ok??"

"No," exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that

HER mom died too!!"

My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March

for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees

and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was

somewhere around $60.00) I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January”.

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still

apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to

the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank:"...excuse me ....?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being

dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January”.

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still

apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: ".....(stammer)"

CitiBank: "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure”. ( Fax number is given )

( After they get the fax. )

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing

her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"

Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?

Brian: Yeah, sure.

Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ?

Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.

Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?

Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that.

Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !

Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it

O.K. for us to call your wife ?

Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?

Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say

hello.

Sharelle: Hi Brian.

Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we

asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?

Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8: 00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle

?

Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?

Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.

Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.. just

tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the *ss !

This old couple walks into the bar, and the husband goes over and starts

flirting with some young women. And the bartender says to the wife,

"Doesn't it bother you that your husband is always making passes at the

younger women around here?"

“ No, no, not really,” The wife says. "I mean, dogs chase cars, but that

doesn't mean they know how to drive."

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning

till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.

He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He

drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his

lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it

just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack

in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.

When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a

minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him,

he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so

consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why

he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and

disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about

how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in

agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No, come in”.

They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest

breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred

bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a

hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got

to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see

the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives

Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the

table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird

friend Chris came over”.

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200

bucks he owes me?"

remember the book "men are from mars, women are from venus"? well, here's a

prime example offered by an english professor at southern methodist university:

in-class assignment for wednesday:

"today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. the process

is simple. each person will pair off with the person sitting to his other

immediate right. one of you will then write the first paragraph of a short

story. the partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph

to the story. the first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back

and forth. remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep

the story coherent. the story is over when both agree a conclusion has been

reached. the following was actually turned in by two of my english students,

rebecca [last name deleted] and gary [last name deleted.] "

at first, laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. the chamomile,

which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too

much of carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. but she

felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off carl. his possessiveness was

suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up

again. so chamomile was out of the question.

meanwhile, advance sergeant carl harris, leader of the attack squadron now in

orbit over skyline 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses

of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty

night over a year ago. "as. harris to gestation 17," he said into his

transatlantic communicator. "polar orbit established. no sign of resistance so

far..." but before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of

nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. the jolt from the

direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

he bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one

last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had

feelings for him. soon afterwards, earth stopped its pointless hostilities

towards the peaceful farmers of skyline 4. "congress passes law permanently

abolishing war and space travel," laurie read in her newspaper one morning. the

news simultaneously excited her and bored her. she stared out the window,

dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with

no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent

wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "why must one lose one's

innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. thousands of

miles above the city, the au'udrian mother ship launched the first of its

lithium fusion missiles. the dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the

unilateral aerospace disarmament treaty through congress had left earth a

defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy

the human race. within two hours after the passage of the treaty the anu'udrian

ships were on course for earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the

entire planet. with no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical

plan. the lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. the

president, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor

off the coast of guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized

laurie and 85 million other americans. the president slammed his fist on the

conference table. "we can't allow this! i'm going to veto that treaty! let's

blow'em out of the sky!"

this is absurd. i refuse to continue this mockery of literature. my writing

partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

yeah? well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing

are the literary equivalent of valium.

a*shole.

B*tch.

There's this man who's taking a walk around the red light district until he

passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "The Hooker with Three

Breasts...” The man gut’s just a little interested and thinks "well... that

could be a once in a lifetime experience". So he goes in and walks up to the man

behind the counter. "I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts" he says.

"Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand dollars" the

pimp replies. But, the man is too exited; pull's his wallet and pays him the

money. So, he's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house

and when he opens the room... there she is. The room is dark but as he comes

closer he sees it... three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of

his life.

The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night

before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand

dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of

the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.

But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong... "Hey!

You had three breasts yesterday..." he says after which she smiles and says

"What did you expect honey... you can only suck out a boil like that once!”

Monday morning little Johnny came to school with a black eye.

His friends ask him what happened. He tells them, "I was in church yesterday,

when a big fat lady sat in front of me.

When we got up to sing, I noticed she had huge wedgies. I couldn’t stand it

anymore, so I pulled it out, and she decked me".

The following Monday, little Johnny came to school with 2 black eyes. His

friends once again asked what happened. He told them,"I was in church yesterday,

when the same fat lady came and sat in front of me. When we got up to sing, she

once again had the huge

wedgies. The guy next to me pulled it out, but I knew she didn’t like it out,

so I pushed it back in..."

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was

relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in

the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into

the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up

and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the

next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got

dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the

druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very

concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them.

As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening

all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this

had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door

holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the

young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door

and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flow. We're going to the

show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their

way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty,

we're going to get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay

too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started

off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her

husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next

husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally

together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you

mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"

A man sobering up from the night before was sitting through the Sunday sermon,

finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nodded

off.

The priest had been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and

was disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decided to make an example

of him.

He said to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven,

please stand." The whole room stood except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher said even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a

place in hell please STAND UP!"

The weary man caught only the last part groggily stood up, only to find that

he was the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he said, "I don't know what we're voting on here,

Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing up for it!"

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a

round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his

wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming

around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and

phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the

phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle

Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an

Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone,

run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to

Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside

the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes

back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran

around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went

out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was

all scared and he jumped out the back window into the

swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you

took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of

the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about

cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought, "Why bother?"

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this

year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if

it'll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in

love.

THE CLINTON Virus... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.)

THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old

floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer,

then emails your best friends about what it did).

THE RONALD REAGAN virus... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON virus... (Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus... (Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then

slowly expands to restabilize around 200.)

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files)

THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't

care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be

back) and last but not least...............

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy,

then discards it through Windows)