Reposting this. I didn't realize Y!A cut it off earlier!This is long, but you need to know the background...?

Question

Some of you kind of know my story.  I've been on Y!A in the Newborn and Baby section for over a year now (lost track, LOL) and I've asked a lot of questions and become "sort-of" friends with a few of you...
	
Anyway, for those who don't know me, I am a 31 y/o single mother to a beautiful almost 9 month old baby girl.  She is the light of my life and I am truly passionate about her well being in every aspect.  I make her baby foods at home from scratch, I have read every book there is on Immunizations or anything I can find that may affect her well being down the road.  (Yes I have a lot of free time as I am a disabled veteran and can not work).  

My big problem is her father.  Well, that's not fair, honestly, things could be a lot worse, but I still want what's best for her.  He insisted I have an abortion when I found out I was pregnant (new relationship - our 2nd timd sleeping together - the condome broke).  He got downright mean and threatening for a while and honestly scared me quite a bit.  I, at 30 y/o was not about to have an abortion, and I already knew I loved her so much in my heart.  He made my life extremely difficult for the entire 40 weeks I was pregnant.  He didn't want anything to do with me or the baby.  I told him that was fine but he needed to make a decision.  He could sign his paternal rights away and never be heard from again, I would never ask him for a dime, and our child would be raised thinking she was conceived from a sprem bank or whatever I decided to tell her in the future.  OR... he could be her father, visitation, child support, etc.  Well, he was wishy washy the entire time.  One week he told me he wanted to sign his rights away to her, the next he wasn't sure.  Finally, a week before my scheduled C-section I called him to ask for his final decision (becasue in CT a father can not sign away paternal rights until at least 48 hours after the birth of the child) and he shocked me by saying now he thought he wanted to be a part of the baby's life.  (99.9% of me still believes he was waiting to make sure she was born healthy before deciding - which makes me sick to my stomach just to think about!)  Anyway, our daugther was born on April 9th, a beautiful, happy, healthy little girl I named Avary.  He told me he wanted a paternity test (even though we knew the exact time and date of conception - he knew he was/is her father) so I did not put any name on her birth certificate as her father.

Since her birth he has been visiting her about 2 times a week and paying some child support.  By his own words, and by my experience and the words of his sister and mother, he is irresponsible, immature and unstable.  He has never initiated a paternity test and still has not persued getting his name on the birth cert.  He lies to me continuously about all kinds of random things... but I do believe he loves our Avary.

Well, he has been doing apartment share/ house share situations for the past several years (mostly to avoid the IRS and other debt collectors).  About 2 months ago he moved out of his last house share and for about a month was homeless - he bounced from firend's couch to friend's couch, then a few weeks ago he moved into the same home with his sister and mother (something he swore he would never do becasue "someone would end up dead").  He told me it was temporary but I had a feeling there was more to it becasue all his family relationships are strained... to say the least.  Throughout the past 9 months of Avary's life I have heard countless stories from him and his sister - even his mother about how horribly they all get along and how everyone is always yelling at eachother, not to mention the fact that the other brother, who visit's occasionally, molested the sister who lives in the house.  The sister and the mother are both on medication for bipolar disorder and Avary's father may soon be as well.  Needless to say, it is not a stable, safe, secure environment for my daughter to spend any time in without me. (I do bring her down to visit them quite often, though).

Well, today, Avary's father sprung it on me that he wants to start the process of overnight visitation.  (I know this is also being prompted by his mother and sis who want overnight visitations too) I told him no, she is too young to understand that and we actually managed to have a civil conversation about the whole thing.  I told him most of my concerns (I laid out most of them here in this question - I know it's long, sorry).  I told him I had planned to start this Spring allowing him to take her for a couple hours to the park or something like that to give him some time alone with her but definitely no overnight visits yet.  She has never spent one night away from me (we co-sleep) and I do Attachment Parenting and I feel it would be too traumatic for her to all of a sudden stay overnight with anyone besides me.  Besides, he could not co-sleep with her becasue he has terrible sleep apnea and also does not

~~Daniel&#39;s Mommy~~ · Accepted Answer

I found this article...you might have it...I didn't read the whole thing, but I think it is pretty good from what I did read.
 http://www.attachmentparenting.org/support/articles/proffox.php

Hope it is helpful.  I totally agree with you by the way.

Anonymous · Answer

Well I read all your post.. let's see... I wouldnt let my child overnight with anyone! She's almost 2 and sleeping in a non familiar surroundings wouldnt suit well with her. 

And in your situation -if I were you-I wouldnt let my daughter no way, now how over my dead body to go overnight with her dad. He might have the best intentions however he is not a stable person and neither is his family as you say. 

As for backup well you dont need any, he's not really her dad - in the legal sense-. He never took paternity testing, he never decided to sign the birth certificate,he pays SOME child support as you say not what's stipualted by law, so you owe him NOTHING. 
If you want to make things legal, I suggest you contact your local DCFS office I've seen that in some states they do help with paternity test and such. So then he could be on your daughter's birth certificate and then once paternity is established you can prove that he's unstable. 
Begin with asking for child support and telling all the story you've told on here.

But right now, he has no rights legally. Even if he goes to a lawyer he is not on the birth certificate and until that is done you can do whatever you want. You can move across the world with your daughter tomorrow for all you care, and he wouldnt be able to do ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Im not saying you should but in terms of rights, so far you're a single Mom.

Hope I helped!! I wish you the best of luck and keep doing the best for your daughter.

MommyMandy · Answer

Wow, you sure have your hands full! Im so sorry about all of that. The first book I could possibly think of it maybe Dr. Sears? I still havent gotten around to pick up his book, but I always hear good things about it. 
I definitely agree with you about the overnight stays. My son is 3 1/2 years old and he still hasnt stayed a night away from me, expect when I was in the hospital having my 7 month old. I couldnt imagine not having my baby stay with me, we also cosleep. 
Also, about the other brother who molested his sister, I wouldnt want my baby to be in that enviroment if there was even a slight chance he would show up. And with them being Bi-Polar, that would make me to nervous.
I sure hope you find a good book on this and that this all works out for you and your baby girl. You seem like a very caring mommy and shes very lucky to have a good parent to watch over her.
Good luck and God Bless!

Mel · Answer

I just could never let my daughter in that sort of house unless I was there to make sure nothing happened. 

Legally, with the situation you are in, he would never get unsupervised visits, and I doubt that he would pursue it in court if the IRS is looking for him because they can find him through the court system quite easily. SO if you know in your heart it isn't a good idea, don't let her go with him for overnights until he gets his act together.

The Unconnected Child
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T110234.asp

Child neglect and brain damage
http://www.snapnetwork.org/psych_effects/how_abuse_andneglect.htm

Dangers of children witnessing adults fighting
http://www.littlies.co.nz/page.asp?id=684
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,184400,00.html

They focus on parents fighting but watching anyone fight is similar really. Hard to find info on this though...I'd be interested to read what you have found. Good luck and congrats!

mommy to a princess · Answer

I'm sorry that I don't have any articles but I agree with you.  No way in he** would I let my daughter ( I have a 1 year old ) spend the night in a house where there could be a potential child molester.  Just keep taking her there with you but you should allow him to see her and not wait till the spring.  Why can't he take her to the mall or whatever just for daddy and daughter time?

Heather Y · Answer

During a rough patch a few years ago my husband and I ended up in a counselor's office who, long story short, recommended our son not spend overnights away from Mom until at least the age of two.

If you aren't already, you should look into articles dealing with attachment disorders.  Here are a few to get you started:
http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/915447-overview
http://www.attachmentdisorder.net/What_is_attachment_disorder.htm
http://www.center4familydevelop.com/understandingad.htm
*a lot of the information may not apply, especially because you (the primary caregiver) are not abusive or neglectful, but you may still be able to find a lot that will help.

? · Answer

i read the whole story LoL u shouldnt let ur baby girl sleep at that house. if theyre always yelling and fighting then NO! 1 of them might get super pissed and hurt avary. n while she sleeps in his bed he could accidently push her off and if shes cries men dont know what 2 do. they dont know how 2 make bottles or put kids 2 sleep. if she spends the night, he will probably bring her back because he cnt handle it

Ian · Answer

I don't have a clue why you'd want to give him visitation rights period. I'd move to a different state. Odds are he isn't going to bother getting the paternity test and working the legal system. Just tell her the sperm donor story.

Anonymous · Answer

Does she nurse through the night? Norma Jane Bumgarner's "Mothering Your Nursing Toddler" has a bit on the trauma of abrupt weaning (and I would view a night away from the breast as ditto).

Anthropologist Katherine Dettwyler on why babies are designed to sleep with Mum:

"Human children are designed to be sleeping with their parents. The sense of touch is the most important sense to primates, along with sight. Young primates are carried on their mother's body and sleep with her for years after birth, often until well after weaning. The expected pattern is for mother and child to sleep together, and for child to be able to nurse whenever they want during the night. Normal, healthy, breastfed and co-sleeping children do not sleep "through the night" (say 7-9 hours at a stretch) until they are 3-4 years old, and no longer need night nursing."

http://kathydettwyler.org/detsleepthrough.html

Anonymous · Answer

hey our children have the same birthday only my son is 1 year older lol. anyway i don't have much info on thei exact situation but you can show him the effects of cortisol on teh brain in stressful situations. worse comes to worse, if he wants to take you to court- the courts wouldn't allow this

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Reposting this. I didn't realize Y!A cut it off earlier!This is long, but you need to know the background...?

11 Answers