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Would you be kind enough to give me your true opinion of my poem "The Cold"?
“The Cold”
Cold as a sunny winter’s day
Cold as a computer’s friendly user screen
* * * *
I am like my grandmother
One minute laughing, the next minute crying
My grandmother speaking in Yiddish to my mother,
turned to me for one moment to say “get married”
I didn’t marry
* * * *
The computer and the cellphones are the new love and sex objects
When the cell phone rings, I rush to answer,
in ecstasy, the song of an orgasm
I gaze onto the computer screen with a lover’s intensity,
a lover’s thrill
Who sent me an email
Who answered my question on Yahoo Answers
And yet there is a great detachment
as if the email was written by itself
as if the people who answered questions on Yahoo Answers really are avatars
Another online friend disappeared today
I don’t know why and I don’t care to investigate
A vague detachment has set in
as if that communication was not with a real person
as if that person existed just to entertain me like a computer game
As Bruce Springsteen sings 57 channels and nothin’ on
So we in the computer age are free
to have instant communication with almost anyone in the world
Then why I am so lonely and forlorn at home, hugging my cat
Perhaps the cold computer is the same friend as the TV was
Remembering how it keeps you company
Never succumbing to loneliness when high tech help is always here
The winter scares me
The cold becoming colder
The people rushing to get out of the cold
The darkness with the bare trees
and the traffic lights flashing without warmth
The winter fear is reminding me that life is so cold
as cold as online friendship
even when it suddenly turns passionate
as I type in words that mean so much to me
proving to the other how clever and compassionate I am
and proving to myself once again that I am a talented writer
But then the words are cold too
Placed on a cold screen to an unknown quantity
Amazingly, this unknown quantity continues to respond
to my quick wit masquerade
The cold winter killing the green life
and the lifeless computer connecting me to other lives
These frozen lives live on, unnatural to this word intimacy,
and without my ever feeling their breath on my face
14 Answers
- isotope2007Lv 61 decade agoFavorite Answer
Its really very good and very descriptive, if I were you however, dont you hate it when people say that? I would edit it and make it shorter, and avoid repeating the same idea but in different words.
My editor was always on me to edit and he was always right ! But it is VERY good and I mean that sincerely, you do have a lot of talent. If your writing can evoke an emotional response in your reader, you are a good writer !
- Anonymous5 years ago
Beautiful imagery. The sentiment is clear, but not overdone. I like it that she doesn't hit you over the head with her feelings. She needs to tighten up a bit on the form so that with a bit of editing, she can have a perfect poem. I especially like the way she has engaged all the senses and brought everything together to equal love, companionship and safety.
- Miz DLv 61 decade ago
"Cold" has many interesting thoughts. You voice some of the same things I've considered. Our connection through a computer screen does seem like a fiction instead of reality. Nothing can match a real live human for eye contact, touch, smell ....
I'm not an expert on poetry but I do like what you have written. Thank you for sharing.
- dragonrider707Lv 61 decade ago
I think it is very good if a tad long. I feel you could have ended it at - Never succumbing to loneliness when high tech help is always here.
That is just my taste but I feel you had said all there was to say and any more was just overdone. It is a good poem though...very well thought out and just a little sad. Which is a good thing for a poet...we do our best work when we are sad.
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- janeyLv 51 decade ago
Wow. It gives me a melancholy feeling. I think it is very good. Are computers becoming our only friends and our only connection to the rest of the world?
- irishladyLv 71 decade ago
You're very good it's really an emotional piece you should keep this talent up good luck keep writing
- Anonymous1 decade ago
The computer has the opposite effect on me.
It's brought me laughter, tears, and fun.
That's warmth, the way I see it.
- Granny JLv 41 decade ago
I think poems can be good therapy. Good luck and best wishes as you continue writing.