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Would you be kind enough to give me your true opinion of my poem "The Cold"?

“The Cold”

Cold as a sunny winter’s day

Cold as a computer’s friendly user screen

* * * *

I am like my grandmother

One minute laughing, the next minute crying

My grandmother speaking in Yiddish to my mother,

turned to me for one moment to say “get married”

I didn’t marry

* * * *

The computer and the cellphones are the new love and sex objects

When the cell phone rings, I rush to answer,

in ecstasy, the song of an orgasm

I gaze onto the computer screen with a lover’s intensity,

a lover’s thrill

Who sent me an email

Who answered my question on Yahoo Answers

And yet there is a great detachment

as if the email was written by itself

as if the people who answered questions on Yahoo Answers really are avatars

Another online friend disappeared today

I don’t know why and I don’t care to investigate

A vague detachment has set in

as if that communication was not with a real person

as if that person existed just to entertain me like a computer game

As Bruce Springsteen sings 57 channels and nothin’ on

So we in the computer age are free

to have instant communication with almost anyone in the world

Then why I am so lonely and forlorn at home, hugging my cat

Perhaps the cold computer is the same friend as the TV was

Remembering how it keeps you company

Never succumbing to loneliness when high tech help is always here

The winter scares me

The cold becoming colder

The people rushing to get out of the cold

The darkness with the bare trees

and the traffic lights flashing without warmth

The winter fear is reminding me that life is so cold

as cold as online friendship

even when it suddenly turns passionate

as I type in words that mean so much to me

proving to the other how clever and compassionate I am

and proving to myself once again that I am a talented writer

But then the words are cold too

Placed on a cold screen to an unknown quantity

Amazingly, this unknown quantity continues to respond

to my quick wit masquerade

The cold winter killing the green life

and the lifeless computer connecting me to other lives

These frozen lives live on, unnatural to this word intimacy,

and without my ever feeling their breath on my face

14 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Its really very good and very descriptive, if I were you however, dont you hate it when people say that? I would edit it and make it shorter, and avoid repeating the same idea but in different words.

    My editor was always on me to edit and he was always right ! But it is VERY good and I mean that sincerely, you do have a lot of talent. If your writing can evoke an emotional response in your reader, you are a good writer !

  • Anonymous
    5 years ago

    Beautiful imagery. The sentiment is clear, but not overdone. I like it that she doesn't hit you over the head with her feelings. She needs to tighten up a bit on the form so that with a bit of editing, she can have a perfect poem. I especially like the way she has engaged all the senses and brought everything together to equal love, companionship and safety.

  • Miz D
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    "Cold" has many interesting thoughts. You voice some of the same things I've considered. Our connection through a computer screen does seem like a fiction instead of reality. Nothing can match a real live human for eye contact, touch, smell ....

    I'm not an expert on poetry but I do like what you have written. Thank you for sharing.

  • 1 decade ago

    I think it is very good if a tad long. I feel you could have ended it at - Never succumbing to loneliness when high tech help is always here.

    That is just my taste but I feel you had said all there was to say and any more was just overdone. It is a good poem though...very well thought out and just a little sad. Which is a good thing for a poet...we do our best work when we are sad.

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  • janey
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    Wow. It gives me a melancholy feeling. I think it is very good. Are computers becoming our only friends and our only connection to the rest of the world?

  • 1 decade ago

    You're very good it's really an emotional piece you should keep this talent up good luck keep writing

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    The computer has the opposite effect on me.

    It's brought me laughter, tears, and fun.

    That's warmth, the way I see it.

  • 1 decade ago

    I think poems can be good therapy. Good luck and best wishes as you continue writing.

  • Milou
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    Truly wonderful, I hope it doesn't get removed. Mil

  • Diana
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    Wow!!! By George, I think you've got it!!! Very deep! You are good!

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