How would you address this issue with your mother and husband?

You need to address it with your mom. She wouldn't go over to a friend's house and do that would she? Say something like, "Hey Mom, we understand if you get hungry or thirsty but we'd rather you tell us instead of just helping yourself. Sometimes we have food or drinks in there that are for special occasions."

For those who are saying that you didn't have to ask when you were growing up...you LIVED there, therefore you didn't have to ask. If she LIVED with you, it would be a different story. But since you live in separate houses and lead separate lives, it's common courtesy for her to ask to look through your fridge. If she's looking through your fridge, soon she's going to look through kitchen cabinets, then bathroom cabinets, and where does it stop? Is she going to start going through your bedside table? Your underwear drawer?

That is a tough situation. I don't know the answer. I would go by how often she does it. If she really has no food at her home and works then she should take care of getting food for herself. Maybe you could go grocery shopping with her or help her plan a budget. However if she is like my mother, who chooses to eat out all the time, then that may be the problem. She might have to budget better or get some assistance.

How sad, your mil has the usual problem with the loss of their child to another person. I too, feel a jealousy sometimes when my son in law is with my daughter. It makes me ashamed and I hide it well but it is still there a little bit. It is just a natural feeling to "lose" the child you have loved since the birth. Unfortunately your Mil is not taking it well and there is little you can do about that. The problem is hers to resolve and you don't say how long you have been married so I can't offer any advice, such as it might all go away with time, which it probably will. Your husband is the one who can do the most good here talking to her. Some reassurance from him to her might help. When you have children that will help too......good luck with her, she is a lady with a problem who is not facing it.

Next time walk into the kitchen with her. Smile when she is looking through everything and ask her very nicely, maybe with a hint of a laugh in your voice.. Are you done snooping yet? Is there anything you'd like or i can get you? Then smile at her. She'll get the message.

It is odd she goes through every cabinet and fridge. She may be concerned you don't have enough food in the house. Which is probably why your husband is annoyed. He probably takes it that she's looking to see if he is providing enough.

If you wanted, you could do something totally funny. Like stick a box of condoms and your diaphram into one of the known cabinets. Or get some pornography. Smile and tell her that you just wanted to make it interesting when she was looking. She'd get the hint there as well.

Or do what someone did to my grandma. They put marbles in the medicine cabinet when the church group met. When grandma went in to snoop (she says to look for a q-tip for her make up) the marbles all came crashing down. Leaving grandma embarassed and never wanting to open up someone else's stuff again.

I'm more laid back like you and don't care much if someone helps themselves in my home. Though, this has backfired on me as one friend's kid thought she could run into my bedroom into my night stand to get my stress ball to play with. I made the mistake of saying, it's in my bedroom i'll get it in a moment and then not watching her. Well, she found stuff i'd rather not think about. UGH. hahahaha!

You can also just go over and visit you rmother and have a heart to hert with her. This is how i think you should truly handle it. Tell her that neither of you love that she goes through your cupboards. Don't put it on your husband or it will be her against him... and that would be harder to deal with. I'd make it a we thing. Tell her you don't mind her getting a drink or something, but you feel invaded when she goes through all your cabinets and fridge like that. Ask her if there is a purpose and listen to it. Then just go back to saying that you wish she wouldn't do so. Yes, she is your mom. But many things she had were off limits to you when you were a child. Her mom probably wasn't coming to her house and rummaging through her pantry. That you woudl happily feed your mother if she asked, would be sufficient pay back for her raising and feeding you. Her going through your stuff isn't right. As for your husband, tell him you completely understand what he's saying and are working on it. Tell him to give you time to work it out, tell him it will take a month or two after the talk to truly get it through to her. But stay on top of it and work through it nicely with both of them.

Best of luck!

I'd say, "sit, sit, let me get you something!" and lead her consistently to the kitchen table. If she doesn't get the hint after a few times you'll have to be honest with her. If it bothers your husband it's an issue that needs addressing, and she needs to have respect for his feelings.

All families have their own dynamics and I am 50 and don't go into my parent's pantry or fridge without saying "I'm getting a few cookies ok?" so it's not fair to say "she's your mom so it's ok" if maybe his family is different.

Next time she is over, beat her to the punch as soon as she gets there. "Mom, can I offer you anything to eat or drink?" If she says yes, serve her, if she says no, let it go. Should she wander into the kitchen, I'd confront her. "Mom, what are you looking for?" Ask her to please stop rummaging.

Yes, she fed you for many years. That was her job as your mom. It doesn't give her carte blanche to rummage through your cupboards or your fridge now, especially if your husband, whom she didn't raise, and whose food it also is, is irritated by it.

Your first responsibility is to him. Period. It's that leave and cleave thing. Treat your mom with respect, but respectfully put her in her place, which is, a guest in your home who is not entitled to snoop through things that do not belong to her. (By the way, the same thing is now true for you in her house. You are no longer her responsibility and are a guest in her home as well.)

I really don't understand why it frustrates you, unless you and your mother aren't that close. If that's the case, then I guess it makes sense to treat her like she's company. If you grew up with her all your life, and you have a loving relationship, then its only natural that she feels comfortable to raid your fridge. She's your mother! Do you ask for a drink of water when you go to her house?

i think its awful that anybody would make their mother ask permission around your house. ok- bedroom i understand. but not kitchen! its food for crying out loud! what is your husband so afraid she will do? if she eats all the food so what? she birthed you and raised you. its a total lack of respect from your husbands part. now its causing u to be annoyed to, which is so sad! tell your husband she can do as she pleases in your kitchen and if he really puts up a fight ask him if he would be the same towards his own mother? i guess to compromise maybe you can say u will pay for the food she eats.

god- who cares? its a freakin kitchen. maybe your husband keeps his stash somewhere? 420

she's your mother and fed you without condition or frustration when you were young. how in god's name do you have a problem with this? what kind of husband do you have that he has a problem with this? who cares if your mother comes and goes through your fridge for food. wow, you and your husband sound snooty and selfish. glad i'm not related to either of you.

You and your husband just need to deal with it.

She's your mom, not a stranger.

I don't think she made you ask for food when you were living with her, did she?

I think her actions show that she is comfortable with you as her daughter and that she does not draw lines (which is a healthy thing between mother-and-daughter). It's a beautiful thing, don't ruin it.