Is it true that some people choose not to adopt children because they don't want to deal with...?

I understand your sympathy for the older children and I agree. However, there is much more to the issue that you are overlooking.

I don't think you really understand the severity of the problems many of these children have. I used to license and supervise foster homes so I've seen them first hand.

It's not the child's fault, of course. It's just what happens from living in an abusive and/or horribly neglectful environment during their formative years.

However, I've seen horrible things happen to good families who are just trying to give these children a fresh start and a good life. I've seen children who have tried to start their foster homes on fire, made false allegations of being hit by their foster parents leading to police investigations and ruined reputations, children who have molested the family's younger biological children, children who have killed beloved family pets, and I've heard of (none of the children I worked with, thank goodness) a child a county away who killed his adoptive parents.

There are many people who do not want to risk bringing any of this into their lives. I don't condemn them for that. It's a huge responsibility. Anyone who is considering fostering or adopting children in the state system needs to know the risks and they need to have extensive training in how to deal with all of these children's issues. It takes a very special kind of person to work effectively with these children, and believe me when I tell you that it takes a whole lot more than just love. They are going to have to be thick-skinned and have a whole slew of behavioral management training and experience in order to be an effective parent to these children.

Many people have thought "these children just need love! I will give them love and a home!" While their intentions are good, most of them end up failing and giving the children back to the state in the end after the honeymoon period is over and the behavioral problems start to pop up. And that causes more emotional damage to the child than never having taken them in in the first place. Most of these parents have no idea what they are getting into and they are not prepared. They don't realize the amount of time and work they will have to put in. And they don't realize these kids usually have deep emotional and behavioral issues that they will need to deal with everyday.

I say if they are like the lady that only wanted a newborn, don't let them anywhere near these older kids. Only people who have the special gift of knowing how and being trained to really nurture and help these children should have the privilege of caring for them. Those are the types of parents these kids really need, not the people with delusions of butterflies and rainbows and the "just love them enough and they will be fine" mentality. That is a recipe for disaster.

It isn't the GOVERNMENT... It is the special interest groups that are all racist at heart... There is this whole "Conspiracy Theory" that the whole adoption process and social services (When the children are removed from the home) is set up specifically so that black children are adopted by white families to... I don't know... Take the black out of them or some stupid bullshit like that... Those that spout such hateful nonsense and humbug are also those that think that there was an orange soda "Bottled by the KKK" that included ingredients to "Sterilize Black Males". With all of the children that need a home… With all the suffering that there is in this world… I find it nothing short of disgusting that so many Americans need to go to China, Africa, and South America to get a child… I don’t care if the couple that wants to adopt is a pair of gay, albino, dwarf’s with turrets syndrome! If they have the resources and hearts big enough to take a child into their homes then GOD BLESS THEM! (And I’m an atheist!) If I had the financial and emotional stability to raise a HEALTHY child… I would take one in in a second! Actually, since my hip condition is genetic and if I had a kid it would most likely inherit the condition… I will not breed… so I have been thinking about adoption for a VERY long time… I don’t care what the color of the child is… I’m not even sure if I would care if it were a boy or a girl… As long as I would be able to put that child in to a loving and stable home, I would do it in a second… I don’t care WHO says it… ANYONE that says that *Blank* children should only go to *Blank* homes should be beaten for their sheer stupidity and for convincing stupid people to not adopt!

You're decided these people are selfish based on made up facts. Like, you seem to be assuming that abandoned children become serial killers. Also that these potential adoptive parents want an infant so that they have a "fresh start". It could also be that the idea of having children usually starts with a baby. I don't think someone who is opening up their home and hearts to a child that is not biologically theirs needs to defend what they opt for. Imagine if someone who did not want a child known to have problems felt obligated to take one. Would that be good for the child? No, probably not. Besides, anyone who doesn't "want" to deal with that probably doesn't have the skills to deal with it. People who adopt ANY child and raise it as their own are heroes in my book.

I would assume that the reason most people prefer to adopt newborn babies is that they can then raise the child from the beginning and therefore feel more as if the child is actually theirs rather than someone else's.

Adopting an older child is obviously going to be more difficult, and is probably less appealing to prospective adopters. There doesn't seem to me to be anything particularly surprising about this. I would imagine that older children are more likely to be fostered rather than adopted.

I do recall reading about a case a few years ago in the UK where the foster parents of a girl wanted to adopt her, but she didn't want to be a dopted, because, although she was fond of her foster parents, she wished to retain a link to her natural mother. So her foster parents rejected her. I thought that was terribly cruel.

Yes, people really think like that. Which is why there are so many older kids languishing in the foster care system. It's really a shame. But there are some people out there who are more than happy to help an older child, and IMO these families are heroes.

As for this:

"What about the crimes they commit after they are legal adults?

If you said yes, how can they be blamed for their crimes if no one ever stepped in to help them?"

Having a crap childhood is awful, and it damages people. But they are still responsible for their actions as adults. They still know that it's wrong to boost cars, to deal drugs, to steal, to kill, to abuse, to rape. They know they shouldn't and they do it anyway. Using a bad childhood as an excuse for being a criminal is a cop-out.

I'm not interested in kids period, but I would have to agree that if I were, I would be more interested in a baby. People usually don't adopt to save the world, they adopt because they want a kid. And they want a well-adjusted kid, not one that is already messed up.

For the questions under your additional details: Yes I would hold those children responsible for their actions. Yes I would do the same after they were adults. They can be blamed for their crimes because they chose to commit them. A sad childhood does not excuse someone from being a criminal. There is such a thing as personal accountability.

I'd like to mention that newborns don't always come "undamaged". They could be carrying genetic tendencies towards certain undesirable behaviors that they could have inherited from their biological parents. I recall reading the story of a 7-year-old girl who was raped and killed in a Nevada casino in the late 1990s while her father was gambling. She was not being supervised and allowed to run loose. Finally, she was lured into a restroom where she was raped and murdered. It turned out that the young man who did it had been adopted at birth. His natural father had been a convicted rapist. This story caused a lot of controversy at the time because the man's friend, who acted as lookout, didn't report the crime and showed no remorse or concern. They were both identified from surveillance tapes by some of their friends.

It's only been recently when experts in this area are beginning to recognise the frequency of an entity called Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) that has a very high prevalence in these children.

Parents who abandon a child whom they've recently adopted yet find they simply can't handle the psychological issues that the child has are terribly stigmatized by society. Researcher in this area are just beginning to recognise that these parents may be sparing the child potential harm (physical and otherwise). It turns out that although many abortions go perfectly, a large number simply don't work out no matter how hard the adoptive parents try.

Rather than go into a lengthy discussion, please allow me to refer you to Joyce Sterkel and The Project for Kids Ranch where so many of these troubled children are cared for until they become more comfortable with this difficult adjustment. It turns out that adoption is far more complex than we initially understood and parents who are having trouble with a child whom they have adopted should not have to endure being stigmatized because we now see that it's not all that infrequent that these things don't work out.

"An estimated 15 million American children are diagnosed with a mental disorder, but only about a quarter of them are getting appropriate treatment... Many more children are at risk of developing behavioral disorders. And the problem is only going to get worse unless the health care system changes how it delivers services, according to a task force of the American Psychological Association.

This is especially true for low-income youth, for youth in the juvenile justice and child welfare systems, ethnic minority youth, and those with drug/alcohol problems." The task force concluded that evidence-based practice is essential for addressing the needs of children and adolescents with myriad mental health problems."

Their needs are being ignored and without treatment they will get worse, not better. When they become maladjusted society will pay... and pay and pay and pay...

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People want to adopt a B-A-B-Y, not an older child.

Many of the kids get shuffled between foster homes and/or abused and they become 'f*cked up as a result. So much hangs on baby's first year: the presence or absence of "secure attatchment" (look it up, its very important).

Nobody wants the damaged goods.

They want a fresh B-A-B-Y instead (no disabilities, no chronic illness and preferably white).

Of course it's true. That's the main reason people want newborns.

Honestly, I can understand it, but it still makes me sad. And the newborn trade in the USA, which is effectively what it is, is just creepy. Adoption is rare here in Australia and managed very differently. The fact is, abandoned children often do have a lot of issues, and often it takes extra time and money to overcome them and they have to put up with stuff like the foster child setting their house on fire or whatever. It can take more than just a stable and loving family to stop a criminal child from being like that. I get where they're coming from, but I do think foster care adoption is better than newborn adoption.

Also, a lot of people just want a baby. We're wired to like the baby stage...and I think a lot of people don't actually want a child, they want a baby. (Of course the baby grows up, but they're not thinking of that.) They also want to think of the child as theirs, not as second parents while the child remembers the first.

Harriet