Can wood preservative cause any lasting damage to one's intimate parts?

Calm down my dear, as an expert in wood polishing I can help. Let us deal with the symptoms. First, the burning sensation. This may be alleviated by dipping Mr Happy in something moist. As for the colour stain, this may work in your favour, as many a lady enjoys some dark wood.

I believe that you may even qualify for compensation by Ronseal. They have most certainly been guilty of poor advertising standards. It does exactly what it says on the tin? I do not see anywhere on the container the phrase "will make Mr Happy burn and stain". Most remiss of them.

Ronseal?

What are you, mad?

Everyone knows SealRx and Velvit are the greatest brands of tinted sealers in the world...guaranteed for 25 years!

Since you used this cheaper brand, I'm sure it won't last more than 5.

When Barbie next sees the full monty you, however, she may put an end to the sordid affair, be prepared for that. She may wonder about your mental health and stop coming round!

Boxers, my dear. Made from latex paint.

Hope this helps!

10:34 am Wednesday, February 27th 2013. Salt Lake City

Oh dear old boy most distressing. "It does exactly what it says on the tin" isn't that what the advert states. Although I don't believe it mentions anything on the tin about giving a gentleman's sausage a nice shinny gloss. Well at least woodworm won't be a problem now. Fear not though old boy I'm sending the twins over to buff you up somewhat that should take your mind off things, do be gentle with them though I don't want them getting splinters don't-ch-know. Tip top.

Lord Charles, may I first say that this was rather careless of you. However, the problem has occurred.

I have found that linseed oil is particularly good to combat this. The only drawback is that it takes a lot of gentle rubbing in (rather like a cricket bat) but I have found that the gentle touch of a woman's hands usually does this task much better.

Hope this helps.

This is actually a rather serious situation, you need to vigorously apply a cheese grater and thoroughly remove all of the aforementioned chemical contaminants and compromised flesh... I'd suggest morphine - and a mild hallucenogenic such as Penfolds Mankini, which should be sniffed, rather than applied.

in for a penny-cover your whole body in the stuff and change your name to pinnochio.You might get some work in disneyland.

In any case, I imagine the stuff has dried to form a seal-my advice is not to drink any water ever again.I can't think of anything more disturbing than your insides exploding.Good luck with the pinnochio thing though.

From what I heard from a certain acquaintance known to both of us that if you dipped 'Mr. Happy' into some Ronseal it would have had to have been in an inkwell or the tin lid, haw, haw, haw, guffaw, snigger, snigger guffaw.

I think its water soluble so just just give it a very thorough rinse whilst rubbing it good and hard. There may well be a bit of dryness afterwards from skin burn so to cure any small irritations that may occur, take some massage oil to it and stroke vigorously, that should sort it!

Actually thinking about it you may need a dash of Vim on there to lose chestnut and restore to whiteness.

....................OK well then be more thorough with your rinsing, come on man! Get rinsing then and rub rub rubbing..........faster now faster............FASTER AND HARDER COME ON DAMN IT!!

Only if you try to remove it. A sad mistake. One should always use protection and Ronseal was perfect for you.