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Poem 1 of 2. Rate please and give me honest opinions?
The bleeding heart beat like
a drum on the football field and the
grass was wet when yonder showers
rained like the bullets in the war
that tore the city apart
much like the earthquake.
they rushed him to the hospital
after the accident
that was actually on purpose
but they shook the evidence from his fingertips
that grazed her reddening cheek
as she said goodbye and saluted her soldier
as he left her for the service.
and the woman on the phone says
"i'm sorry for your loss"
but the lie comes straight from her tongue
and the little boy licks at his melting ice cream
watching as the clouds form wonders
and imaginations come to life.
i close my scrapbook
and cry a single tear
wishing life could stay forever
and breathing wasn't such a daunting task.
2 Answers
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
I can see what you are going for here...you have a way with words, but one thing that would help is to break it up into smaller verses. Instead of one big chunk, figure the lines that go together and then put spaces between the verses. Read it out loud and actually pause between verses, pause where you want dramatic effect, this will help you figure out if you have it structured properly. A reader reading this as it is now, such as an experienced poetry reader as myself, will breeze right through it and miss some major points. When you put in spaces, it directs the reader to the emotion in the verse. It's such a simple technique, but very powerful.
