Should you keep secrets from your partner for their own good, or is secrecy always corrosive to relationships?

Well you have to know that SOME secrets could destroy any relationship. I guess it would depend on if the secret is one that "keeps on "giving: (hurting)" or one that someone is remorseful for and regrets ever happening and has no significant potential to come back to haunt you.

Frankly I've never done anything I feel the need to keep secret so I wouldn't know how to answer this one.

I do feel though that there is no point in revealing past transgressions for the sake of "confessing all". Everyone has done things they aren't proud of, and you should live and learn from these things.

Some of the things that my husband pops out after 20 years of marriage stun me frankly. I would never have associated the things he's done on the past or has happened TO HIM in the past (as a teen and his early 20s) with the person he is now. Frankly I AM THE ONE who just gives him "the look" and says you know what? I don't think I want to know more about that!!

Who knows, I may have things in the past I dont consider a secret necessarily but maybe if I started discussing them they could be hurtful. So it's a matter of perception on some issues.

If we are talking sex and relationships, I really don't want to know. I got a few general answers and we discussed relationships long before we married, and that's the only time those issues ever came up! I guess I'm lucky I have a good guy and great kids. It's not that way with everyone as I've surely learned after 20 years of watching friends split up.

REMEMBER:

"What is done in the dark ALWAYS come into the light"

"Lies are one of those things that DEMANDS to be heard and Will find a way to do so"

~ Fact: Everybody tells little white lies, it is human nature, you can't change that, however, there is a major difference between small lies and big lies. Furthermore, there is a difference when you intentionally keep a secret from your spouse "for there own good" Personally, I hate that phase "for there own good" because you are already taking the person choices away from them and building up walls of what they should or shouldn't know about you, in which, they are really not falling in love with the true you but the perception of what you want them to see and know.You really can't have total intimacy without compete trust those two things must go hand and hand. Besides, it is better to be open when you first meet someone and tell them instead of waiting until they fall deeper in love with you because YES the truth does hurt but keeping it hidden from them intentionally and knowingly hurts even worse once they find out! If you expect a true honest to goodness relationship, everything has to be put on the table, because in love it is all or nothing, not half truths.

I think people put to much emphasis on the downside of finding of revealing the truth, because they think the truth always is going to lead to pain and heartache but they often times forgets that the truth can lead to redemption and forgiveness as well. And in life, people often surprise you, what you make think is a big, terrible dark secret or lie someone else might take it in stride and think its not all that bad because people's perception and reaction to things varies.

Keeping Secrets In Relationships

It depends on the secret, and the person, and the situation. if ur just dating and don't plan on going anywhere with the relationship, maybe almost all of the examples I stated could be omitted.Some secrets affect the partners lives together. Some secrets will only have a momentary effect, and some secrets are just better left unsaid. The unsaid, the cute neighbor example, that doesn't have to be said...it could lead to needless heartache. The need to be told parts, if a partner has a mental illness or something. The iffy ones-sexual pasts. Some whom are virgins might feel uneasy around a partner who's been there n done that a few times over.

I think there are really only two ways to look at secrets kept from each other.

1. They are very personal secrets that have been buried deep within their soul and feel that is where they should stay and have no real corrosive effect on the relationship.

2. They are secrets in which the partner is hiding only to gain for themselves and could have a corrosive effect on the relationship (or are secrets like what they got for your birthday and if they are planning something for you and they don't want you knowing, so they keep it a secret. But those are exceptional.)

If they are secrets that was something they were embarrassed about during their school years, something that they tried once and have never done it again, or some other form of secret that happened long ago, then they should keep that secret because it was there business back then. You are now in a relationship and everything that happens from that point on you enter that relationship, you should share anything that can or will be harmful to a relationship, such as job loss for one example. Even a medical illness or addiction to something.

However, when it comes to medical, job loss, financial stability, etc., and it has happened before your relationship, even during, it should be told. Hiding things like that are not smart. It will hurt in the end.

If it is a secret that is something like having an affair with another person, or that your sexuality is not what you thought/lied about, then it should be out in the open. Something like that either will be found out or you will end up feeling guilty enough at one point to tell the person. Though they may be hurtful, it is necessary. Obviously if you get away with a double life without telling your partner who stands by you through thick and thin, that just makes you a schmuck.

Of course there are more deep dark secrets than the ones I have here, but you get the picture. Bottom line, if you have a secret that has developed after the relationship has begun, you should tell your partner or it will most likely be found out and worst thing will happen than just hurt feelings. If they are secrets that have occurred before the relationship that are deep secrets hidden within the dark corners of our souls that will have no real effect on the relationship, then no, you don't have to say anything unless you really want to and are prepared for the reaction whether it be good or bad. As stated above, if there are secrets that happened before the relationship and will effect it, then you should tell them, out of respect and courtesy if for nothing else. This has nothing to do with secrets that are minor, but as Mrs. Gray has said, the deeper secrets only.

There are a number off problems with your question..

One, is that there is no objective answer.

Two is that the subjective answer is ambiguous, with relation to the people involved.

For example, if you were at first disgusted or offset in anyway by my stating that I THINK there are errors in this question, and someone else may not be, then you can see how the truth as I perceive it has different effects on people when they are exposed to it. In this way, some people may be able to handle the truth or, more specifically, their partner's "truth," while others are not.

There are also several variables to consider. The first is what the truth is. If i am about to turn myself in about having an emotional or sexual moment with another woman, then i think we are taking things a little too seriously, for my relationship preferences. Which brings into play another variable- the type of relation preferences between the two people. Its all about finding a person who suits you, and compplements you, in every way possible. You don't necessarily have to be complemented in the ways you're similar, but even through differences.

Lastly, there is the way in which the truth is conveyed to the other person. What sort of day (s)he had, how sensitive (s)he is about this particular truth, and with what tone the truth is delivered by. All these affect HOW the sentiment is received by the other person.

But honestly, I believe that people would do best to work in this way...

Realize that the people around you may have lived life longer, or gone through more things than you, but that NEVER means that that person can ever fully know what to do or how to be in every situation. Relationship advice is relavtive, it depends on the person's current view of you, whether they are 100% about you, or even 96% about you can change everything. Please just recognize that we underlive any ability to real wisdom, life is what you make it, relationships are what you make and put into them, and learn to forgive. If someone feels sorrowful enough to apologize forgive them on the spot, they shouldnt even have to state their reasons for sorrow. And if that person was lying, then they surely feel sorrow now, for how forgiving you were. We're all figuring it out together, there's only one viable manual for life, and that's the one YOU write.

From personal experience I can say that everything should be out in the open. Your lover should also be your friend and that involves excepting a person for who they are. Especially deep secrets, these will eventually be found out or they will bubble up to the surface after years of being repressed. This usually ends an otherwise loving relationship.

White lies are just as hurtful because they can stir up resentment. Your partner should feel secure enough in your relationship not to mind you noticing an attractive neighbor. If they become jealous, you should sit down and talk it over because it is probably pointing to an underlying insecurity. Working on these issues when they are small can make a relationship closer, and resolve insecurities. Waiting until these issues become overwhelming can make a white lie just as hurtful to a relationship as a deep secret.

Everybody tells little white lies, it is human nature, you can't change that, however, there is a major difference between small lies and big lies. Furthermore, there is a difference when you intentionally keep a secret from your spouse "for there own good" Personally, I hate that phase "for there own good" because you are already taking the person choices away from them and building up walls of what they should or shouldn't know about you, in which, they are really not falling in love with the true you but the perception of what you want them to see and know.You really can't have total intimacy without compete trust those two things must go hand and hand. Besides, it is better to be open when you first meet someone and tell them instead of waiting until they fall deeper in love with you because YES the truth does hurt but keeping it hidden from them intentionally and knowingly hurts even worse once they find out! If you expect a true honest to goodness relationship, everything has to be put on the table, because in love it is all or nothing, not half truths.

Nope I dont think anyone should.

But I think everybody does that anyway.

It takes a lot of courage to be 100% open and share everything with one person. They might not understand, they might feel hurt, they might even break up the relationship.

However the secrets are not secrets forever. One day they will find out about it.

And what then? Well I end it every single relationship where serious secrets were kept away from me. I felt that I was no trusted and as a result I did not trust my partners anymore.

But I dont agree with white lies under nu circumstances. better say nothing then I lie. I never forgive or forget lies.

The word "always" corrupts your question. Secrecy is not *always* corrosive to relationships. For example, if I am playing a game of cards with you, I keep my hand secret from you while playing. That might be a trivial example, but it holds true in general. If you have an agreement that secrecy is OK between you, then secrecy is OK between you by definition and the relationship can thrive inside of that. However, if you have an agreement to bare every truth no matter how hard, then hiding anything from the other will be a betrayal and trust might be lost. I believe that a relationship is not founded on honesty; it's founded on integrity and love. If you honor your word without fail, and you accept and welcome your partner for who they are and who they are not, you could lie to them all day long and the relationship will work perfectly. On the other hand, if you tell the truth all the time but your word does not carry any power, you are doomed.

Tell some secrets can be just as corrosive to a relationship as keeping them might. Some people are just into sharing to much when the info they are sharing might not be important, this tends to stress a relationship. If the secret you have is important, then share if not move on...People dwell on things to much in my opinion, if you did something stupid when you were young just live with it and stop reliving it...the past is the past and that's where it should stay.

Also intimacy does not thrive on knowing secrets, it thrives on what the now couple develops...plus who the heck can remember everything are you suppose to say "oh yeah i remember something else" its senseless and a waste of ones time.

Oh and just a little piece of advice...Never, ever share with your lover they are part time and the ammo you give them will be used against you at a later date. Committed/married couples share what you wish, still can be used as ammo during that divorce hearing in your future.

And never say never because that's when it happens :)

Secrets are like a mystery, open all the pages and there is nothing else to give...A little mystery in any relationship keeps it alive, or go ahead and read the last page of the book and be done with it...Its all up to you.

No one person can give all of themselves to anyone, you have to keep a little of you for yourself.